Well we just came back from visiting my grandpa. He isn't doing very well.He looks so pale... We ask him how he feels and he says that he feels fine but we all know the pain he is in. It's so sad to stay there sometimes that we can't contain our tears at least I can't at times. For moments I think I can be ok but there are time that I just can't hold them in. Poor thing he can't even get out of bed anymore, he has to constantly be drinking liquids because his mouth gets dry. I spent most of my time in there in the room. The one thing that he dies good in is keep his humor. I think that is what has kept him with us for this long. I guess he has been fighting with this cancer for 7 years. Well it was detected then but after all those operations and chemo therapies I guess everything that was able to be done was but it's too late now. The colon cancer was spread through his body and now his insides are going crazy creating new sicknesses and since there is nothing to be done they can only put him on oxygen and up the morphine every time he feels pain.
Today I got to see 2 cousins I hadn't seen in ages. Well I saw my cousin hector about 8 years when my grandma and grandpa had their 50th wedding anniversary but I hadn't spoken to them really since I was a ittle girl. A lot of shit happened in the family and well like many families there was hatred and chaos... and lack of family unity and the pointing of the finger. Well when I saw my 2 cousins at first I still felt that they were upset but I never really knew what happened. I know my uncle had left their mom but we didn't had any fault. My cousin, he, is about 10 years older than me and she is 9 years but there is one more Evelia.... I am not sure but they are the eldest from the cousins in my dad side of the family. I know my grndpa hadn't seen him in years also well because of the distancing... When my grandpa finally asked my cousin who he was from he said from my tio Lupe and my grandpa looked a little worried or concerned. I know he paused for a good minute but who knows what he was thinking. Then my grandpa finally asks if he is the one from the marriage. And well my cousin says yes... because my uncle left their mom for some other lady and has another family and kids and grandkids also but without divorcing or marrying the other lady. My grandpa then says I don't understand how this could have happened. We never demonstrated this example... It was one of those things that no one could have said anything.
I got talking to my cousin and I found out that he and were very similar. I know it took a while to loosen him up. I had to find a way to get in... which music was the gateway. He's a composer... writes his own music, loves his guitar... and well loves Art in general. I think that was what got us to start the conversation. he allowed me to hear something he was working and he allowed himself to eat and socialize a little. I know we probably talked for like over an hour and it was nice because we had intelledtual conversations. I found ot that he majored in Japanese when he was in college which is pretty amazing.
I guess sometimes we really just need to get to know the whole family to see why you are who you are. Sometimes I wondered where I fit into the picture but I am starting to see more and more how things are. Although it's quite sad at the circumstances why we are being united but the fact was that tragic as it is, my grandpa is bringing us together and making us a little more united as we should have been from the beginning. Just as my mom's accident my cousin's mother... although she had had a lot of pain and anger towards the family and my mom she called and made amends with my mom by calling her in the hospital. It's weird how someitmes thinngs happen. They are unexplainable but God finds a way. Like the saying goes, God doesn't close a door without opening a window. I think God is giving us an opportunity to fix things that just couldn't be done without aide.
I remember the story of the last time my grandpa told me and my sister when we went to visit him right before he was condemmed to bed rest. He told us of the time he was trying to get away from something I think there was a fight or something going on in Mexico so he would have to be enlisted to the military. So I think he was 20 and to be exempt he would have to be 25 so since he still didn't have his birth certificate he went and got one done and well with his he added 5 years to his age so he became 25. He passed the age limit and they let him be. So now, when people ask for his age he says that according to his birth certificate he is 86 but then he says he is actually 81. He was born in July, 1927. He is I believe 4 years older than my grandma but I am going to have to ask again. I am almost sure she is 77... Can't believe they have been together for 58 years now. I just see my grandma suffer so much. They have been through so much and this will be the last thing they fight through together as husband and wife. My aunt Angelica, she is the youngest of their kids and the one taking care of both of them, that my grandpa worries so much about her. It just brings tears to my eyes. After so many years they have truly become one.
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