Lately I have feeling and sensing that I am going towards a wrong path... it's like one of those that you know that sometimes you can help it but then again you can't. At times I think about it but I come to an endless conclusion it will go away... you know like a phase. I am sure people can tolerate it for a while while I figure out what to do...  The funny thing is I feel heartless... almost a puppet like. Almost as though I am being handled and I never exist... It sometimes feel as though everyday is a whole different life. It is hard to explain... but sometimes I feel as though I am not myself but of course this is stupid because as much as we feel otherwise we will always be us in a way... whether body, mind or soul... There is this attachment that is leading me towards God and there is my boulder blocking my path... I know I am strong but I am too darn weak... As I get ready for bed I contemplate on my daily thoughts... actions ... and heart... I sometimes think if I were to die at this very moment would I repent for the few sins I have committed and to be honest I don't I would burn in hell, right? It's interesting how sometimes the things you regret so cmuch hold you back so much... I do eventually repent but it takes me a while and it shouldn't although I cannot lie to myself. How many of us are perfect and there are zero to none... No one is perfect! I guess I don't really know what I am saying all I know is I am writing and letting out nothingness that fulfill my every day blah! If I died today would I be saved? No... Sometimes are much as we try it's hard to keep it up. So, I go to mass every Sunday and I listen to what the priest says... I try my best to understand it and I have even bought my self a bible and some prayer books... I guess I am gettting better at leading the rosary and I am happy that I know I do it...  Yes... I am Catholic. I some other denominations say things like it's repetitive but it's not about the repetitveness it's what you feel when you hear those words coming out of people's mouths... sometimes I get chills down my spine and others butterflies... See for a while I feel into this theory that my son's father gor me into believing in Atheism but even though I fell into it, a little agreeing with many things to said, I realized that God never let me go and fall down the path of infinite emptiness. It's weird because I know I have had huge doubts and many questions but when I started reading my bible many questions and doubts left me... almost as I was fulfilled for a while ... then again here I am. I am not doubting there is a God because someone is watching... prayers get answered so what I want to know is how? What can I do to make myself happy or well happier to be myself without thought of wanting to punch someone in the face. Why is it that it doesn't affect me when some people say some things... How can I cut this string that sometimes holds me back from doing/getting what I really want in life? What do I really want in life? School? Well what major? Teacher? Masters? Willt hat fulfill what I need? What about career? Massage therapy? I am going to be enough of a strong back bone to support my son and not have to think of asking for help? Those are all a few questions that enter my head on daily basis... Can I make it on my own? Can I make it on my own? Can I be my own woman without thinking about the help from a man? Will I ever be accepted for who I am where ever I am? Can 3 fit in a life of 2?