This is just not working out... I don't know what to do ... I just feel so weird.... so tired... and this weird feeling inside of me... It's almost as if I have something yet I am stilling missing it. I don't understand what it could be but it's bugging he hell out of me... my right arm is hurting right now and everytime I breath I start coughing. So, weirdly enough, I cough with my mouth closed and I am able to control the chest pain. Or, it controls that I don't have to keep coughing more and more because it hurts.
It's weird because sometimes I hear the wedding bells ringing and then I just hear them turn to funeral bells... the melodious sound of happiness to the distorted sound of minor 2nd bells ring in syncopation. It's weird sometimes I just have all these thought and I start thinking but still I remain blank without thought. It's like sometimes I just think so much that I don't even think.
Just like Sally's dong...
just that the corporate is unknown to even me...
I sense there's something in the wind
That feels like tragedy's at hand
And though I'd like to stand by him
Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend
And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?
I think it's not to be
What will become of my dear friend?
Where will his actions lead us then?
Although I'd like to join the crowd
In their enthusiastic cloud
Try as I may, it doesn't last
And will we ever end up together?
no, I think not, it's never to become
For I am not the one
Sometimes I feel as though something wants to be revealed but I am a little scared to find out what it could be. Have you ever had a feeling that something is going to happen... not necessarily to you but someone close to you. I am not sure but isn't just anybody. I almost feel though some one out there feels just as I do. Almost as though we just a piece of the puzzle. Can it be that many of us have of pieces that can solve many misteries. Well actually I am sure many people always have pieces that complete others, I guess that's why we call it life but there is something more. And I mean let's be honest we all know that the vilains in soap operas (novelas) they always seem to know more than they should or they easily obtain info. Can a person still be good and know things or does that automatically make them bad? Somtimes I wonder if I am good or if I bad. I don't know there have been do many things... I know like everybody else we are all corrupt but I guess it's how we use information. But, are thoughts as bad as doing an action? I think so so how can we tell if a person is truthfully at heat nice. And if a person has changed so much what in their life has caused them to changed so much in thoughts, honesty and purity...
Why is that sex corrupts the minds of the young? The very neccesasity to fornicate as we have learn is bad but has it always felt so good or in some cases ...bad...
Can it be for some one to have a connection yet not be meant to be? Why is it that Sexual intercourse cause that supposal bond... well it is a crime of passion but then why is it condemned in many cases. It's so werid. Our society just seems to confuse many. Everybody just has their opinions and no one's are valued and in many cases prefer to listen to the one that benifits their certain circumstances... but is that fair?
We all have learned the lifeis not fair ever and we must subcome to it... we are weak and yet there are those few who defeat the supposal creed of life yet their are considered much less...
What in life is actually right and what is wrong? What are the differences and why...
I'll give an example...
Ok, so we all believe killing is bad, right?
Killing is bad but I still believe that the death penalty should be kept. Sometimes I wished that instead of having to keep paying taxes to keep them in prison....
On the opposing side, I could very well have my father, brother, uncle, boyfriend, husband, son in death row... who would want to see their loved one die...no one...
Sure in many cases people commit crimes...
Let's use this intance also...
BABIES
We all know killing is wrong...
Why is it wrong to kill a baby after they have been wrong?
But, sometime it's ok to kill an unborn child?
What's the difference? Freedom...
ok, so I finally had the opportuniy to see The Dark Knight awesome movie. I can't believe i had to wait this long to get to see it... I know I shouldn't have had to but seeign as plans were changed, not on my end but it happens... I want to see it incase I missed anything... I love watching movie... now I have to eventually get the first m ovie and this one... Somtimes it's those kinds of movies that just give me a little more ump to go on more... I don't know...
So I am still very sick... I can't stand myself... sometimes I just don't feel like getting up but the happy thing is that it's finally not over depression... I am happy because I still feel sane but I still have a lot I have to talk. There is so much on my chest that I need some attention. I almost need an unbiased opiniated person... just like Chris... he was good to talk to... Sometimes those training to be thrapists are better than actual ones... At that moment I only spoke of the immediate family issues and separation factor that I had within but there was more to speak but an hour a week was never enough... with a total of 10 hours in a semester of hearing the same crap I released painful agression towards my parents but I am still left at times with other agression. Some feeling if unfinished business... I don't know why I feel this way. I have fulfilled and finished many chapters in my life... Have you ever heard of how some people can't live in the present because the past lingers in the present/future...
I never really understood how that relates to me but I need to make since of why sometimes I want to break something or bite through something ... you know like biting through meat as it sinks in but not cooked me... I jusr want to bite something... it's weird... I know I am starting to look weird/crazy... but I am not. You know many of us never notice that our thoughts just happen and if somebody paid attention to our every thought we would all be considered crazy...
I live such a dull life yet I have no time to be some one... the weird thing is that I have been changing so much and the weird thing is that I am noticing the change. It's almost as I feel I have this control... tthis power... I almost felt I lost a little this past weekend but I need to let it go otherwise I am going to loose it and I cannot have that anymore. I am cannot be the controlled...
Oh yeah and since we're talking about things that controll us or we control... I have bladder problem... I guess since I have little and they never go away. Ugh... my mom says I have always had kidney problems but they have only hurt a few times that I recall... this is so stupid.
My parents made it to Kentucky today, Thank God, and they were on their way way this morning at 8...*sigh* Everything that I have been doign this week although they are not here are not in the job description of big sis but I would have been doing them anyways... I don't have a life. People assume that I have fun doing their every need... But what about my need... Oh it's a favor to watch over their nephew because I have to take their mother somewhere, or their other sibbling somewhere else... What wouls happen if I just said no to it all? hmmm... I am intrigued!!!
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