I know it's almost 1am and I am so tired but I can't seem to go to sleep just thinking at the fact that I have to get up early to try and prepare things for Dinner. We don't even know what we're going to do and it's bugging the bejesus out of me.  Everybody always sleeps without worries or at least I think they do and here I am just thinking about something so insignificant. I mean it's not like I am really going to stay here all night. Every New Year's I go to my friends house. It started because we never do anything and it's usually the only times I get to spend some quality drinking time with them. I usually take the baby and put him to sleep there so I can get wasted... I know that sounds bad but I dont' really have any support to go outo ever. O am allowed but I usually have to carry my bundle of joy. I mean I only get to see all my friends together for the most part (since after College) once a year maybe 2 and if it's a good year 3 times but rarely. That goes to show how bored I am. I love my son but I spend every single day and minute with him pretty much. I sure would love a little time for me for once. I know it's not always a lot to ask for but when you're trying to ask it, it sure is a lot to ask for...

Lately, i have been thinking about taking that "Fuck off" sign from my forehead. It's weird but I know I have it. Leas to say my mother has mentioned it. I guess you can say that when you had a boyfriend which lasted 3 years and he has been your only boyfriends and then you have no communication with boys for over 4 well according to them.. I guess they worry. I mean I guess if I was them I would too. But I am not worried. I know what I did and I did notice when there were guys that liked me but I either pretended that I had a significant other or they assumed by the way I acted. It's weird but guys know how girls with a commitment talk, walk, act... I mean everytime my mom had a friend who had a son interested in me she always said I had a commitment. Well she would mention it was my son but she would say it was for the nest I didn't get involved. I think the time has come that my childhood dreams and aspirations are starting to come back. You know when you start dreaming of your "Prince" even though we realistically know it's not true but just dreaming sometimes satisfied the wish. I can't help but smile at the thought of another baby in my arms. I know I hate the idea but in my heart I yearn once again for another child. It's weird because I didn't think I would find myself in this position.  Although, I kind of like the fact of being a single mother. I know it's hard at times and I wouldn't want another child without the father as support but I like that I am free to be with my family at all time... that I don't have to clean, and cook for another person. I love just cooking for my family and they don't judge because they know what I can do but what garantees that a guy I meet will feel the same. Every once grows up with their own dishes but it's so hard to please...

I guess in my life I have always gotten what I have wanted for the most part. It's not that I am selfish I guess I have realistic goals. Well at times, there are other times where we have to set the bar a little higher otherwise we wouldn't be going any where...

I keep thinking a lot about how my birthday is next week... I am going to be 24... 24... Now that it's not a fun age to think about. I am 24 , a single mother, and single. I graduated a 4 year college in 4 years and I have no job.  I hae an education but there is nothing in my field besides I don't want to really do that anymore but I want to go back to school but I have all those school loans and a bad credit now. What do I do if I want to go back. I can't! IT's not easy anymore... I should have had my head on straight but sadly that doesn't always happen. *sigh* I guess we just have to wait and see what happens...