ranting....

I am so happy I just finished the whole translating. It took me quite a while but I completed my task. I know it was no easy task but I sure learned a lot. You know what, I think the thing I enjoy the most about translating english to spanish is that as I do it I learn more spanish.  Translating at time isn't as easy I make myself think is it or as I make others feel like it comes to me. Sometimes I make some things sound too easy other times I don't know how I get mys self into things. It's ridiculous, I don't know.

So Danny's been more actively talking on his imaginary phone. It's cute seeign talk to no one and be interetained but I don't know. It's so weird because sometimes Danny looks at me and he says weird things like baby stuff. Sometimes it feels as though he is asking me for another baby, you know like a brother or sister and it freaks me out.  I hate the thought of more kids in an unstable life. It's so adorable he just came and gave me a huge hug and as always he pats my back.  It's so weird because I hate the thought of another baby because I still remember all that pain but on the other hand I feel as though I am ready for another. I see my self in the future/ near future but I know I can't and I am not ready. I think I would freak out if within the next couple of years I do end up pregnant. I'm scared at the thought but weird thing is that I am more scared at being in a relationship and it's weird because I don't know why. I have been thinking more and more about relationships and I remember that even though in the past when I was talking to guys I just was the one who put the stopped and never made them work. All those guys who I was talking to/ dating for a small while are all married and the thing is I feel so stupid well it's not like i ever saw myself long term with any of them except one but that deterriorated in the last few years. I think I put my self in this box and now I can't get my self out. For a long while all I would see in the future was getting married, having kids, being happy in its own way. Now I see all the disfunctions that happen in marriage. Everybody fights too much, they're not truyl happy, the divorses, all the cheating... it seems like it never ends. I feel like I would love to trust guys but they're just not worthy of it. I would like to respect them but there is no use anymore. Even my closest guy friends I feel as I see them differently and I don't like them for them anymore.  I guess I finally threw my self back to reality instead of living in my little fantasy world I use to live in. It kind of sucks though. 

So my mom worries about my memory. I know I spoke to my aunt on saturday about maybe going to  pick something up at her house but that's it. So Today or sunday my mom told me when I wokr up that my aunt had invited us to go eat with her at her house. My mom told me that she had already told me the day before but I do not remember. I mean I do worry about it sometimes but sometimes I just don't care. Sometimes I wonder if I should really be worried or I just forget the unimpotant things to me? I don't know but I tend to remember some very random things... Is there something wrong with me or it is just an illusion within my self? But what can it be? At times I wonder how things would have been if that second chance when I was preparing for solo ensemble festival should have just stayed that way and I would have just concentrated on my music and nothing else. Music... well here I am anyways. Althogh the one thing I only here in jazz is the Barri -sax...  I don't think I love my music anymore as much as I use to. I feel I have lost some passion in my life and I don't know where it has gone.  It's weird because jusy right now I actually feel sad. Not sad sad but I feel pity for my self. Kind of like sorry for being stupid ...

I am stupid!