It is so weird but the day is rapidly approaching where a different number will be alongside my first digit of 2(*) and soon enough it will start with a 3- but I am not 29... lol not that soon... I don't know if I am the only one that feels this way. Time flies and I am the least to notice how swiftly it goes but i am afraid that one day I will look into the mirror and realize that my skin is wrinkled, my hair highlighted with sheers of gray. my son all grown and I realize that there is not much worth for what I've done and I am still lonely. I hate to think negatively but as years comes I can't help but to feel depressed. Sure every year has it's moments but are 5 months of a year worth it when 5 of the time you were crying or when 4 of the months are memories you can't really have... I am still til today happy and sure I am still living with a few memories frankly because sometimes just remembering some moments of this year of 2010 are far better than just the current present time.
I can't believe I still feel like I haven't aged since I was 19 which is what scares me the most. I see 17-19 year olds and realize that they're the age of my youngest siblings and then it starts making me feel of age. And then I think of how fast time has flown by and here I am 4 years under my belt with hardly anything to vouch for. Yea, Sure there are a few accomplishments without a doubt but not big enough. Maybe the end will have to go with a bang to make up for all the lost time but by then what will be the point.
People keep telling me I am young and blah blah blah... sure in comparison to them probably but I may be but I still feel the time is closely coming to an end... and I don't mean this in a morbid way but it is.
I feel I have missed out meeting people and frankly there are things that are my fault and the dreams and goals of a lil girl full of dreams come in 9 days from today will be completely unfulfilled. There is no control in life... and I've always have had a difficulty getting to know the men...partly bc I am what they say a little different. I bring in curiosity but I don't think anybody has ever seen me as more than a second of their lives... I see people and I feel as though they can't see me as something else...Meeting people is not easy. Friends have suggested online dating... but I don't want to... I've talked to people but I get bored, annoyed and it's not fair to people... I guess I don't know if I am being a little shallow, I'm not that pretty, I do have a good heart but that isn't always enough.
I guess I wish I can truly make this year for my birthday is that I at least have someone who loves me and I can cherish by the time I turn 30 without having the aides of dating sights. I mean sure I have talked to a few people who I have come in contact but weren't total strangers through FB but we'll see what happens. I guess life and things are hard enough than to add a completely stranger to the chaos I cause...
But, I guess that through it all I will at least have those friends who have walked side by side throughout the years... We've all had our hard times in life but none the less we're all still there. For the first time this year I took a guy to a party with my friends and still I continue to take none to the new year's party... but it's ok... I realized a lot of things... "beggers can't be choosers" well they can right... I don't conform to less than what we both deserve... and I don't mean this in a looks column but attraction always comes into play... mine is intellectually... Only one person has challenged me in every way which happened to also be in this year of 2010 but that's the past also. And most can't handle... I hate when people call me smart or always right and can't seem to take the challenge. I don't act or pretend to be right to stay right.... Anyways... I've rambled about god knows what here...
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