Better late than never...
Sometimes in life there many misunderstanding and misinterpretations on people. We are only human and well human nature says that we'll make many mistakes and misjudgments... simple, simple
Now, Attention...
This is mainly about whether I like or dislike attention... not for you to pay attention to what I am writing which either way it has something to do with attention... go figures... whatever...
I am trying to distinguish the difference, Which I will fail miserably! and which ones I like, I guess... but like everything in life it's circumstantial so ... what's the point? Well this was originally suppose to be written to a person (like an assignment... hahaha! I know but I know!) but now it's more as for my informational purposes... which in reality it's all over my blog anyways just not specifically dictated in that sense. So this time this is the focus and I will try not to go off on many tangents which I will probably will do anyways.
Where to begin....
Childhood
At a very young age I started to develop. I was tall and had curves... so I was never a lil plain girl...I can't say I was pretty but I think I was somewhat... because little boys had crushes on me... there was one year where a lil boy (a year younger) tormented me and bullied me bc he liked me... yeah, gotta love the love I was getting! And then another boy names Eder...gave me a pair of scissors... so sweet ...oh may I add... he stole them just to give them to me... wow! That's true love! I didn't like him but I thought it was sweet so I took them and you know what I had them up to maybe a few years ago. Oh I didn't mention in these years.. I was a very shy loner... which honestly it never left. I guess I still am a loner... haha!
Anyways, those were year prior to 5th grade and I started to get out a lil from my comfort zone. I always felt like everybody and I mean everybody was always looking at me. So for me to play sports a little but a big pain to do. Which I don't understand because not playing made me more noticeable but I didn't care about that one... weird!... In 5th grade I don't know what happened exactly. But, the boys were a little more afraid to play with me... And I didn't understand. They were a little frightened that some might hurt me. I was a little tomboyish so rough play at that point was fun but I still kept within my comfort zone. We were in 5th grade and I loved to play dodgeball... my gave game... I was effin good at it too... So I remember this one instance (a light bulb moment, in a sense) where we were standing in line after recces and there was this boy names Nick he had the ball so I told him to throw it at me and he said no, that he couldn't. And I was confused so I asked him "why not?" And he had his blue jacket which he had wrapped around his waist...and unwrapped it and like used it to show me in a whip like motion to my body... he was referring to my breasts. That was the point I fully became aware of me. At that point I felt people starting to look at me again... It felt like I was a target and all eyes were on me... and people were laughing at me... I became even more so self conscience. I started wearing sweaters... If you remember me from middle school and high school and part of college... sweaters and jackets... my shield of protection.
In middle school we were Uniforms but I still wore big clothes and sweaters and big t-shirts. Anything to hide what I had. I didn't want people noticing me. And the hardest part was always walking home... And people looking at me... I was a lil and completely innocent girl with a woman's figure and a lil girl's face. People were always turning to see me and there was nothing I could do... I felt helpless and I hated my body for attracting attention... I would even wear a jacket over my sweater or tie a sweater on my waist and wear my jacket. Yeah, that's how bad it was... I started to slowly gear into wearing black... When nothing I did and I looked horrible (thinking of the way I dressed my self for the not wanting attention) yeah a bit hypocritical in a sense. black became my comfort zone... I always had a circle of friends... but the thing about of the friends... is that even with them I created shields... I had some smart friends, and the average friends and then the dumb friends too... all in a sense... So to say that I always had somewhere to fall when something failed... and to be honest these were groups in middle school prior to fontana... and they were people who didn't know each other. I always made sure that my different friends were in different clicks... For some reason when I had some friends I always liked them to be apart... i don't honestly know why but it eventually became interest conflicts with those decisions but I felt they would never get along so I just never found a way to have them... meet. I guess I just needed to be a different me in different times of the day. Besides in some I would just be in the background and in others I would talk and or not talk... I hated to be noticed but I didn't want to completely be a loner but I didn't want to have to say anything...
7th grade I was already suffering depression... and was quite unsure why I was so unhappy. But, that was the first time when I felt like wasn't worth it any more... I felt more alone than ever... And I did have those friends and one specific friend always helped me out Dulce but I was caught in between worlds... My fantasy world and real life... the background kept me in a dreamlike state... 7th grade my grades suffered and I struggled... Even my passion in music even though I was doing great ... I had no one in there... So alone I didn't even go to Six flags on my last year because I didn't want to walk alone.... to this point all I could correlate attention to was that it lead to my loneliness... or isolating my self in fear...
I'll call this prior Fontana or 8th grade years...
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