You know when I was pregnant I use to think well being depressed is normal I mean I did go through a lot of shit because the Danny's father but I thought well maybe I will get over this and once I am with my family eveything is going to be all right. They are supportive and they love me. Unfortunately now I think I prefer living alone. I feel that just as much as I have support I bare burden. All I feel is guilt because they take care of Danny while I am at school. I feel sadness b/c  even if I try to have a few hours to myself I can't b/c I am a mom. They are not really willing to help like they said they were. I think they said they would help when I was pregnant so that I would feel a lilttle ease but now I have to give them a schedule and be home by a certain time or I am going to have to pay more money. Where the hell am I suppose to get this money to begin with?!?!  Yeah if I had money then I wouldn't have an issue the the reason why they are caring for my baby is because I didn't have the money to pay. NOw that is onmy back. It's so hard to see the possitive things in life when everything else tells you differently. I know many people have to go through the same thing, they have to but how do they leave with out having money. I almost feel that if I just leave they are going to be upset with me but not realizing that they are the ones that doing the internal harm. I know they don't realize that I have always been deeply emotional or the fact that I am depressed. They just think other things and it's sad. My mom told me she can't trust me. She told me that ever since I had Danny even I want to do something I can't b/c I am a mom. She was like I don't know if you're out there having sex, like I am some kind of a fuckin whore to be sleeping around. So I make one lil bad choice and the world fall on me. And pissed me off more was the fact that last night she told your sister goes out does whatever she wants because she has no commitment, only she has are her cats and babies are not like cats. Well no fuckin shit. I wish I could say that I agree with the fact that my sis likes to go out. She goes out to stay away from all this shit. She has always done whatever she pleases b/c she doesn't care what they say, she'll do it anyways. She was my mom's favorite I know! She told me if you were single without a chikd you could doing the same( BULLSHIT!!!). I don't believe that for nothing. I have never been allowed to go out, clubbing. The only reason I was even let out before is because I had a boyfriend. They have consistantly tried to shelter me and not allow to me to experience nothing. Well how the fuck am I suppose to know that she was saying the truth when all my life I have been treated different. All their responsibilies they put on my back. Oh Reyna can you do this payment for me, today is the deadline.  You know I love my parents to death but I can't wait to leave so that they realize that they need me and that they abused a lot of the things. Yeah I didn't have a job this summer I still took my mom everywhere and she hardly pitched in for gas. I am suppose to take them places, to their payments, and now school and work on top of their shit. Nah I think I almost prefer being on the streets to this point .I ask God to give me some strength. I really do need it. Being a single mother with supportive yet very unsupportive parents is like living in a small hell, you just can't get away from. I have been in Hell for the past hmmm I don't know know 10 years. Tell me did they even know that I was depressed, no never noticed. How about 8 years ago when we moved here. They didn't know I was depressed, that I had some issues at school, In '99 when I started high school they didn't know that I was suicidal and very upset with this world. in '00 or '01 they didn't know I did weird thing and then at that point was when I found a boyfriend and he helped me find myself. He was my support system by lover, my bestfriend. In '03,04 when my relationship was pretty much over;I was a cutter, they weren't about pain, they felt better than sex, it was pleasurable to see blood trikle out, I bet they my parents didn't know about this either. You know I notice that they just go on life doing what betters their life but forget about everybody me. I am the one that needs them but has never really had them their. They think they are for me but no to me they have never been there. I don't know how bad my depressions were in the past but I knwo they were not fun... I hate being alone with no support. What did I do besides having my baby that made them treat me like this. I can't even tell them what I feel because then I Am going to feel guilty about how they feel about my situation.Then it's going to be my fault all over again. See my cousin Vicky mentioned that I might have PostPatum Depression and I refused for a few months to believe it but I am thinking I do and it's starting to get worse. Yeah I know I don't show it when I am around a lot of people. But my insides tells me I'm dying, very slowly dying, or just losing the will to want to live anymore. SOmetimes I think my baby would e better off without me and that would teach my parents to stop talking b/c I wouldn't be here. WOuld they appreaciate me more if I was gone or would they feel I am more of a burden b/c I die... I don't think it's right to feel that way because  I have such a beautiful baby whom I love to death. I just bared a child for 9 months, fought for his life so that his father didn't kill him and now I am trying to fight my own battle against myself to keep myself alive for my Danny. There is times when I just see my self putting my car so I can cause a huge accident, or run off something.... You know that is not normal. I might be developing mild postpatum psychosis... Everybody tends to see me very serious and in some cases very strong but I just can't. I have fought so hard and as much as I fight I feel I get pushed to the floor more and more. My first day of classes my fam was already complaining. Is taking care of Danny such a burden, then tell me no and I will find a way. I almost think it would have been more supported for them to kick me out than making stay with them...  I am juat one girl , one mother, the oldest daughter, with so many emotional issues... When I was suffering during my pregnancy my mother knew a lil and would make me feel better telling me that he was no good, I guess that was the only support I felt but now I have the baby and it's ok to BAsh Reyna she doesn't have feelings. She'll take our advice and warnings and just live life by our rules I don't have feelings, call me fat everyweek. Tell me I have to loose weigh b/c I wont be found attractive, tell me that, tell me that I am only going to find a stepfather for my baby and Danny is never going to be happy. I Am never going to be happy Tell me alll fo that. Tell me that because I am a music major I wont amount to anything. I don't have a future unless I do what you did... Well I have been told all of that. Yeah ok, so I am fat how the hell am I suppose to get motivation if that is all I hear, Then she tells me well you need motivation b/c you wont do anything at all, well thanks mom with you motivation fuck having enemies put me down. I think I would far too strong for anybody to mess with me after you. But then again will I survive you???
Yeah so life is not fair. I don't have to be a genius to realize that. I have known that my whole life and so far I have been able to own pretty much everything of mine. I thnk I have accomplished quite a bit and then here comes my brother's asking for everything. Well what I want is for them to be more contiences of what is going on. Just like I knew all their problems at 11 and knew out financial status well I suggest they get informed also. They are fuckin 14 a year older than the age I was when we moved to Fontana and they yet don't know half of the stuff I knew back then. Then again they have many friends, my sister always had friends as well. I was social outcast that had to work hard for mine. It wasn't easy, let me tell, I struggled so much because of loneliness, lack of friends. I had nobody to hang out with. It wasn't like I could go sit with people I didn't know and just appear with them. I was always to weird for them. They didn't deserve me anyways. What am I going to live for if not my son? I need help so I can be there for him. I am trying not to let go of reality but sometimes it's so hard. I wish I could lock my room door and not let body in, just stay in there in darkness and relax, ignoring everything!!!! I am so tired, my head hurt, my eyes are so puffy I could barely keep them open, I am cold, and I feel pain, I am just so so sad....