Alone

Well here I sit in the heat of the outside of a Starbucks... I came since there is no where I can really go and well it's fresh in there but guess what?  it's full inside and it doesn't seem s like anybody is leaving anytime soon....

Unlike what people may think ; I am here Alone and yet again... alone... I guess its the only thing I can truly rely on- being alone... it seems likes its my only company. Every where I go... it's weird but I am not one who does well making new friends but I am truly loyal to the ones I have. They might feel as though the years have made us all grow apart but quite honestly they will always be the ones I would drop what ever...I guess it goes back to the point where  I try for people to rely on  me but not all do...  and therefore I am stuck a lone...

I can't really find anybody for my self because its selfish and somewhat of a betrayal. How could I think of my self in these hard times. It would be abandoning those who love me or had given me what I have and have helped in my moments of despration... I call it manipulation that I can't get rid off bc I would be an ingrate... you know where I am gearing towards... a single old lady with nothing to look forward to in life. HOw does it feel to have to sneak around to finally have the change to meet  somebody and talk to them. How do I feel having to create lies and not feel it's enough to have a child and be housebound forever. Is it bad to feel I should have privacy and if I want to stay 2 days locked in my room... I should be able to. I think that I've earned at least that...

I am told they they do everything for me but I see it the otherway... I guess different point of view. Life is hard all around... I don't even own my real car... everybody has more time than I have in total. I've had my car for 4yrs and 1/2 and only have used it for 1 and 1/2 yrs... yea 3 yrs not me...

You know and I have thought about the whole dating websites but it's just easy to reject everybody there. It really is and well it's easy to reject in person but the thing is I don't know how to meet people. That's my problem and well that's almost not the whole problem... the problem is that I can't leave by my self. I can't leave my son at home because then the question would be where are you going? What time are you going to be back? Why don't you take Danny? ... I can't tell them about dating because they feel like I am already leaving them with a responsibility and I am not being responsible... You see why I get depressed thinking about trying to make something work? 

And you know what at some point I think I will have to do that.... sadly... I don't think it's abandoning my parents but setting them free... I am going to kill my self if I am not out of there by 28. At that point I will not care what I do but I know I will travel or leave for weekends or something because I gained a responsibility I wasn't ready for and I since I already had all the other responsibility... they futher obtained a rope and tide me down.... Yeah, I know it can sound drastic but it's not... I have a lil freedom once a week and that's bc I come down to Fontana to teach and I try my best to relax and forget about it all... but  I am still stuck without being able to do anything with my spare time since no one is available at early times... And the more time I spend time alone the more I depress my self... I want an escape... and I trap my self more and more.... there is no way out and then with that my room consumes me more and more...

Geez, That's why I told him to have patience... but I didn't stop either... I unbalance my self with this kind of stuff... and here I am again feeling lonely... I can be a freakin roller coaster unless you understand me well...

I should like slit my throat and stop complaining about nothingness huh?