Yeah well it's been a really long time since I have logged on to this site ... I don't know I just thought the world wasn't ready to know what I was feeling then. As many of you might know or are about to find our , I am going to have a baby. Yes I am very excited although a bit worried because he is due 5 days after finals if he doesn't come out early. I have never been happier in the world but I am beginning to feel lonely again. I know I have friends and family and I love them all dearly but that is not the type of loneliness I am feeling. I am going to be a single mom and it just hurts me when I think of the baby and his future. I know I will give him everything I can , the world even,just it was promised to me but I wont break that promise. I thought I could get away with just ignoring what the reality of it and keep a strong face well sometimes I just can't. I get tired and pretending that I could do it all. I am tired id being the dependent one , when will I be the one that depends on others. Yes I have everything I need but I need more now.
     I can't wait to hold my baby but I am scared of the daddy's reaction. You know I think what hurts more is that I still love him and everything gets stirred up all the time. But I don't even talk to him or call him. I just can't , he calls sometimes but I can't do it. As far as I know , he wont be involved and I think that is what hurts the most. I gave him basically 3 years  and it's been a year since we've been broken up but how long am I going to stay in pieces. To many it seems like I may have moved on but I can't lie to my heart. My heart just keeps on hoping without a cause or  hope to motivate, it's sad I know but I can't control it.
    Maybe my baby will be my inspiration when he is born but I am starting to get scared. I don't even have money but I am going to do everything for this baby. He is my life and a connection of a love that was once there. I'd cry if tears were made out of money ....!