Don't get me wrong... I appreciate... but

Time is flying and the time is nearly ending since we all know the world is going to end in 23 days. Well haha yea I'm sure.

I'm not like those emotional girls... who... wait... yea I am or try not to be. Many things make me cry. Sometimes I hide it and sometimes I don't. It all depends on my self-restraint or how hard I can hold it. But, my throat sometimes hurts a lot when I do but I can't quite let it out. Sorry I'm not quite writing on crying.

I'm 27 right now. 27 years old. I don't know what it is about the number but it keep striking at me. In about a month or so a the following monday after the New Year has started I will be of a new age. I know birthdays come and go and they're no big deal. Well they shouldn't be a big deal in a sense. Age is nothing but a number and it's truly meaningless but the time you'll been on this planet. Most people haven't even experience happiness or self fulfillment or enlightenment most of their poor lives. Or they lives with many limits. Most people are walking dead zombies. Sad ... As I approach this new year for me. I can't help but to feel depressed. I am now in my late 20s and all I could see is 30... I don't know where the years have gone. But, I feel robbed of the last 10 years of my life.
Everytime I think of my 28 birthday. I can't help but to cry. I feel horrible. I know my life hasn't been robbed. It's been these last 10 years who have made me who I am. But, I feel like a failure. I feel like I have accomplished nothing.
Sometimes I feel like my life has been a prison. So many years wanting to get out that the moment I do I wouldn't know what to do that I've want back in to the only thing I've known.
The worst part is that I don't know where I am going. I don't know what I want to do with life. 10 years ago I was so sure of myself. I knew what I wanted and what I needed to do. Now, I have nothing. Sometimes I feel horrible I'm locked up most of the time in my room most of the day. My mom wont yell at me to do anything anymore. I've mostly done it all so there's nothing to do. I feel blah.
I want a job. I want... after such a long time. I'm sure there is more I can do. But, where I live is where I would want. And I haven't found anything. Sometimes because I feel I can't get anything it makes me hate me because I can't. How can I, if I have a degree, I have some experience and nobody or anywhere I've applied gives me a job or even a chance...
Maybe this is my winter depression time or I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like I need more alone time but that's how I'm mostly alone. I think I need more people around me but I don't think I can take it always.

I do feel somewhat better until I start thinking at a later time.

I'm just cold.

Don't get me wrong. I know there is so much to be thankful for. I should be happy and not to be an ingrate. Everyday is a gift. But, how do you stop feeling like this? How do you get more interests? How do you make yourself be happy? How do you not affect everyone around you until you can figure your shit out? Why does sometimes money make the world go 'round yet most of the world survives without it, and struggle with it and with none. Why is life unfair to most? why

why?


why?



God, gave us freewill. If we're all equal why isn't the system equal? Why is there still class system And why are wages for the hard workers less than those who hardly work and only play?

I guess it's the way it's suppose to be. I suppose we're suppose to learn humility and all that none sense.

Anyways.... That's enough of my ramblings for one night. I do feel much better though. Thank you if you read me... if not then it never really mattered anyways....