It's time for some change

You know it's weird because even though I have everything I want and I actually kind of wanted to move and hopefully far..hahaha! Also, I got the ticket I had been waiting for and no I didn't try my best to get it it was a feeling and it happened so I am satisfied or I have come to accordance with the fact. The weird thing is that I am not completely satisfied... sure on occassions I have my cake and eat it too but nothing's the same. I have everything I have ever wanted and for once I am not happy. Sure I don't have money but money is never an important issue. I feel I am missing something and I don't know what it is. I have been getting closer to God so that emptiness there is being fullfilled but I am still missing another thing. And the weird thing is that for once in my life it's not love. I don't need it or crave for it anymore. It's like that part of my life is completely over and I am glad about it... There is something. It's something I did and shouldn't have ever done it. I shouldn't have fallen into such temptation in life. It being my biggest weakness has led me to this low road. But, it's not even self esteem because it's higher than usual... I know I have always had a weight problem and I think it's just getting a little out of hand. There are some things I am going to have to change and you know what I am going to start tomorrow for sure. It's been killing me for long , long time and I think it's time I do the first step into changing some of my bad habits. I have sunk my self into this hole. I know I don't find my self attractive and why should I? I don't see guys look at me anymore and why should they I don't care about myself to allow them to.  I have made pleanty of stupid choices but I think I start taking my own high road and when everything clears I will be fine. It's not like I am unhealthy but I am not completely healthy as I should be.  I need to look young again... I need to really let my hair grow out and stop growing my stupid little tantrums I occassional leave. Once I start this thing tomorrow I know I am going to have doubts but I must strive for a better and newer me. I have started looking at these pictures and I started thinking why did I allow my mother to drop my self-image. If I looked like I did before I would feel better well I would at least have the attention I always remember hating and now what? Well I know I don't want thaty type of attention but I would love someone else to notice it happening... It sounds stupid I know but it just brings me back to some years back... well, well see... and God help me over come my self and the demons that eat me out every day...