So sometimes in life we all think we're ok and then things turn to worse but we find it ok because we all get through it and we all go through it in a life time no matter what. Well after my mother's accident in late july I couldn't think anything worse could come along but I guess it's one of those things that just happen and things can't change, right? So, on thursday this giel came to us for refuge because she has no home and no one to help her out and of oucrse where one person eats another can too. We have a little but we'll share what we can. So yesterday we go to church and for some odd reason I was compelled to buy my self a bible. I did! Well we came home and there was the argument that there was nothing to eat, of course the usually, coming from one of my sibling. We never have anything and he os oh so starving.Which is bullshit because we do but he is not willing to work with us to make it happen. Anyways, so my dad was able to give them money and they went to buy chinese food which in a way made me mad. I earn a little bit of money but I am the one who is buying the food for everybody in the household. Something is needed and I go fuckin' buy it. And, on top of that shit I have to hear critism. Well fuck man. I don't give a fuck if they're  fuckin' 16. Help around the house, damn it! You're not the only that is suffering. They complain they have no clothes but they get something every once in a while. Well, fuck, I haven't been able to buy anything in over 2 fuckin' years. I invest every little dime I have in my son. People say well it's your fault. NO, fuck you. It's my responsibilty. My son comes first, my family comes first, and I come last. Sure sometimes we have to be a little selfish but tell me is it worth to take away the food for the family so I can have glamour for a mother fuckin' day"? Is it?
Now, to top that off yesterday some people from the bank that my dad had gotten the loan for the house came. And of course I am always the one that knows what is going on. I didn't expect this next thing. I thought it had been resolved and we were going to be able to fix it all... I put a lit of time working out the paper work to try and make it right. Well yesterday this ill-perfect world came apart. Well, just like many people's worlds did. They had my parents sign paperwork and tell us that we have to be out by Nov. 15. That's it they said it's over and the house belongs to the bank there is nothing you can do about it. We lost the house and so far we have no where to live in. Well you know what it's about time. We needed to more change. WE need to realize that in order to improve ourselves we need to make changes, we need to grow up. We need to think of ourselves and forget about everybody else. We have been fucked over so manytimes by friends, relatives... let us borrow money and we'll pay you back with interest. Well yeah, it's gone...

So, I have come up with my own conclusion. Which my the way I have been told my many, many people. I know I am submissive, I know I try to worry about others when I should be more worried about my self. I know, I know but it's time I care more about those in my path than those who have no future in it. It's true. I have worked hard to be ok with the pleasing eye and I kill myself more and more trying to make everything happen. To accomodate everything and everybody and their twisted world. Some just run away and leave the load for another person and that is just cowardly. But, like everybody has issues, problems, pasts there is no asking for help; it's more like taking it by force.

I have been a very, extremely, overtly, patient person. I deal with crap. I keep these secrets that I gave to God now because I didn't want them. I gave up a lot to be at peace with God. I am not the most religious person but I understand the differnt points of view and realize that no matter what He will be there for me. I realize that people use people for their advantages but when help is asked for all you see is the dust form their departure. Sometimes I wondered why did I help so-and-so person....wehere is the help I need when I need to talk, let out anger, cry. I mean I don't have to cry today. I cried yesterday but why it doesn't matter anymore. Today we started packing things. A month goes by like nothing. A moving sale...hey sure why not...this saturday.... Where are we going to go with now 8 people in the house? I don't know. Renting right now is more than a mortage... that is ridiculous.

Anyways, Rest in Peace... senora Orosco... my friend's grandmother died on thursday from cancer. May she be in peace and give her family the strength. And, I also pray for my grandpa who is turning on the corner towards the other world. He also has the cancer soread over his whole body.

Things will get better for everybody. It's just small bumps on the road. I still have hope that some people will change... I still do. But even some big things aren't enough...We strive for change and the well-being of most...