This morning I did wake up a little upset and tired... And slowly been calming my self down. I was a little mad at him for allowing me (yea, allowing me) to do this... hypocritical, I know...bc I asked him to do it and reassured him everything was going to be fine and what did I do I broke the contract at end... set rules... I couldn't abide... So then I started wondering how are guys suppose to look at us in a different way if we already gave them what they usually have to wait for or work for... we give them the bait, they take it... we get upset and they don't know why...I was a lil upset until I realized... they're not going to help it... but then again... he's a smart fish he wont take that bait again... rather keep the peace than go for seconds... a play it safe fish.... So my question was why did I do it? And he asked me when we were there... this was random, what made you want to do this... And bc I knew anything else would be inappropriate to our accordance... I said ... I like sex... yea... something so simple yet complicated...
The weird part as I was driving to our destination... I started to worry and hyperventilate.... I wasn't getting enough oxygen and I was nervous like 5 yr old on their first day of school. Through the day and especially towards the time approaching ... he kept asking me... Are you sure you want to do this? Are YOU sure you want to this... When we just talking and after he asked for my reasoning... he asked, are you sure you want to do this... and I nodded my head in reassurance. And he said ok.... "all you have to say is 'stop', and we'll stop"...
As we were laying on the bed just talking... and catching up... I was a lil tipsy... I had my head on his stomach, looking his way...talking and staring at him... He asked me one more time... Are you sure you want to sure this... I look at him and nodded... are you sure... fixed my eyesight in agreement and nodded once more...
I definately don't regret what happened... I do regret and shame my self for feeling a bit of emotional attachment... I shouldn't have... Actually, We shouldn't have kissed... that's my emotional attachment... I don't kiss unless there is something there... he is the first guy who had kissed me ... in probably 5-6 years... yeah... that long... so at that point it was beyond me... I lost all control...
I haven't had many in my bed... but when the feeling was lost there was no more kissing and making out like that of a relationship... the passion is out... the next ... nothing....just sex... so of course... sex isn't a personal action... well in a sense yes... but it has mostly becoming nothing as the value it once had in my life... Sad, but true like one of my favorite Metallica songs Sad, but true ...
So no kissing... my rule of thumb now for sure... unless there is something else... and the chemistry is right... and the sparks are flying... He is the 5th person to actually kiss me... let me see... I was 15, summer of 2000 when I technically received my first kiss from this black guy named Kar-el and it was a peck on my lips, I was still 16 when I received my real first kiss on a thursday right before band rehearsal, November 8, 2001, it's a blur of the timing of the third... I was in college and would hang out with a friend Rafael and at that time I was still shy and innocent... so I stopped it... And bc I felt guilty I told my bf at the time... the guy kissed me... and with our already dwindling relationship he used the now given ammunition to shoot me... and most panic attack... he was very good at provoking anxiety attack.... And then there was the Spring of 2005 when I had finally started talking and dating this guy... David... After our last good by kiss that night... when didn't speak for a few years... (it was a wednesday) and Sunday I found out I was pregnant... the irony of life... (thank you! sarcastically speaking) and well since then until now July 31, 2010 my last and final kiss... Only 2 have actually meant something... the second... which took time to perfect... we were lil immature and inexperience and I am sure he was a 'horny' lil band kid... so yea... and this last one... all the others didn't quite touch me... so in depth... the 3rd could have led to something ... I was a sophomore in college and working out with him and we spent a lot of time together but he was a senior and graduating that year.... I mean he has a great career now... but it wasn't him that I needed... this lips were too rough too... the guy I dated... it was weird kissing... I don't know... it was making out but like forward kissing... idk ... I didn't like too much but I liked him a little so I expected to get use to it... i guess...
Life is so funny! But I do feel so much better now... My problem is kissing... I can no so emotionless to anything and it wont matter unless it's tied with good simple... kissing... Like I had put the other day in my Blackberry messenger... "My simple is too complicated"... It's as simple as a kiss but to me, it can mean my world or the demolition of my world.... You take me as far as you want to go but without a kiss you mean nothing...
Nothing.... NOTHING!!! Just a side of entertainment...
Yea, You know what that means... that I can do the same thing you do to me...look at me like a piece of meat and an opportunity for escape... yup!
So simple, it complicates everything!
No comments:
Post a Comment