needs to go away

I am feeling this small anxiety and it's not something I cannot control but i feel like freaking out... My outer shell isn't showing any symptoms but my inside is racing...I've never had moments in life where I just agreed to something... let it go so easily and pretended to go on like nothing...which by the way I am doing great at... I am even surprised. Anyways, I usually throw my own tantrums to my self (Only) nobody knew I had any until now! So... shhhh  it's a secret. I know I am not going ever get everything I want, I came to terms with that when I was 5. I know love can't be bought and can't be found any person you like. It has to grow within the 2 hearts. Okay, fine I learned that in high school. Recently, I've started learning that I can have it all and yet nothing at all... damn those contradictions... ok, so back to the beginning! I feel anxious and no not anxious to the point when I'm anxious/aroused, I am actually anxious and I don't know how to handle it. It's also not to the point where I can hyperventilate and feel find. Last week when I met up with my friend as the time drew closer... I was anxious also and was hyperventilating a bit which helped and it went away... by the hard breathing occurred naturally.

I told one of my friends who is working on his master for psych... I just need to talk to somebody... And he knows best probably but we're going to talk soon. I will spare him the details of the names since they're also close friends...life sucks sometimes... and I am not saying I regret what happened or that I want it to happen again. But something happened that changed me in a weird sense. I can't explain/ describe ... the way I handled things was weird too... I wasn't childish. I gave in... but I somehow did lose all hope. I did. And reading more blogs... the guys are right. Sometimes we focus on trying to figure out what guys like and you know that's not the important part. They're suppose to like us first and then we can figure everything else. I've been backwards... I know they're going to like... but they're not going to like me? Sometimes I feel like the whole double psych major in college didn't help and I got worse at everything. Can it be I can't read their signs right... or they're broken and give me signs when there really aren't any. That's what make me so mad.

Maybe I should wait until those guys start acting like they did in high school and college... take any opportunity to talk and spend time... or better yet... maybe a stalker... just kidding on the last one... but this is worst than any other time... At least with the other times... I cry, scream, vent, mope around... idk everything...get depressed. And this time... nothing but I feel as though instead of feeling the sudden quickness of the stab in the heart... or the shattering of the glass heart hitting the floor, I feel like I am slowly but rapidly dying inside... not to an ice cold heart with out feeling... but more is dwindling... I had never felt so unbecoming. I have never had a such urge to want to forget about everything and everybody as I do know. Don't get me wrong I am starting to love the attention... and I love to give attention too... but right when I enjoy doing it... I feel lost.

I know you're to say it's a phase and it will go away... which it probably will.
That I only feel like this bc what happened ... sure... but even when my heart broke or shattered for the first time... the pieces were there and I slowly started rebuilding... I had something to grow from and build... not the same... my eyes water but nothing comes out... my throat hurts like if I've been crying for hours and I haven't been...

All I feel indifference... just blank indifference... and it's not obsession... because when I was younger I have been... almost stalker status... I guess I just need a reason... and please don't say my son... he is a different reason. He saved me on my darkest of hours from my own wrath. But, I need a reason.
I have teaching, it's so fulfilling I love it and will do it for ever but not it. $$$ I have my share when I have it, I spend a lot of time without any... but more or less money wont make a huge difference... just clothes wise and that's it. I need a reason...oh and not from him we talked about everything... I don't know what it bugging me and I guess ranting about nothing is no fun either. I know I'm not going to figure it and I will try to forget about it... but I hope that when the light bulb suddenly turns on... the last drop of my melting icy heart isn't falling... And to clarify, I am not asking for a reason to live, whether day by day... I just need a reason and I wont know to what until it's there. But, I hope it resolves this acute anxiety I feel within... there was only one master at causing me anxiety/panic attacks and he's not on the phone causing them... its me... it's only me now...