Like it but i quit

Have you ever felt like everything you do doesn't have meaning... So I had a lil fun today...  but it was nice and it felt good but it just wasn't it... I wasn't happy anymore... Lately in the last few months I've gotten so (but I mean so) aroused more than usual that I had to get rid of the stress or it would accumulate to my daily life. But, I get everything I need and want and it's no longer enough... I want it so much I don't want it anymore... I have hit rock bottom... I am not fulfilled and I am drawing at a blank... I need more than just a physical or few minute fling... with bozos... it does work that well... 
I am not happy... Well I haven't been happy for a while but I wasn't so unfulfilled... and pleased at the same time... it's not about not knowing the person or knowing them... and it's not having sex bc we're not just messing around. Sex and pleasing is great while it lasts and I always get there ... but it's not... The sex is the same... I don't want anything... I don't want to live anywhere... I just need to be busy all of a sudden... I want to feel like a guy... get busy and disregard what they feel... it doesn't matter anymore... 

I loving the pain and the bits of physical abuse I ask for... it's almost like a fetish I have ...I guess you can say... and at my request... I am starting to dominate a lot more... I get these bruises... these scratches... I am physically worn and tired but that's just it...  no romance... an escape from a daily life of routine.... I lie and leave and come back ... I lead these lives... these escapes and til last week everything was fine... I don't know what changed but it did and now I am blank. The weird thing is I have no tears.... no cherish memories... and just lies... I am also not promiscuous... But I am not going to count or feel the need to judge my self... so what if I am very in tuned with my sexuality and than of a man... I know I am but not the point..

I am one person at work, a different person at home and then the third person... When will I be able to be all three all together? 

I can't analyze my self and I am not gonna... I am going to bombard  my self with work... 

(ok off on a tangent and didn't want to write a separate one... it would stick out too much!) lol

Oh there is something weird... I forgot to add... totally weird but whatev... There is something that has caught my attention...with the whole pain and sexual think... for some reason I've wanted to like bleed (not that simple like be cut... so I can bleed) while having sex... Like that would bring everything to a whole knew level off excitement and sensations... 

I get these urges... and let's not mistaken this...for suicidal... that's stupid.. so over that high school stage on kids making fun of each other and ... ok anyways... Like wanting to to bleed to just to see it come out and feel it... and those lil marks I have to reopen then... I know this is weird... but I've been holding them back and I feel like it's inevitable. And I wouldn't want this done to someone else... Or I wouldn't do it to someone else either... I've been trying to figure things out... within my self... and have uncovered so much more.... yeah, I love the thought of bondage... Being tied or blind folded and not knowing what to expect... or Asphyxiation but I've only done it by myself while pleasing my self blocking oxygen while taking a bath and the shower water hitting my face almost cutting oxygen but not quite... 

ok... I need to give these to my therapist... lol... jk don't have one...  Maybe that's why I can't find some one... I am too weird... Have always looked normal but I'm still weird and my friend's husband who happens to be my son's father... weird, right... still manages to call me weird after knowing him for almost 10 years. seems like he never has gotten to accustomed even though we dated for almost 3 years and even though he met me when I was really weird and awkward... hahaha!