I feel very strange today, rather moody if you might say but more sad than anything else. I just want to cry and let it out so I can be happy once more.  I don't know what is wrong with me but sometimes I feel like nothing means anything anymore. There is still something out there that I am waiting for and for some reason I do not know what or how to obtain it. Well I know that there is one person who I crave attention from but I just bring my hopes up. Since Freshmen year in college when we would spend a lot of time together I just knew it. And the sad part is that some where in my heart the thought of letting that go from me would be just loosing hope in life. Ever since I declared my fascination towards him my sophmore year, to the shame I felt when I confess I was pregnant, to his response "I was scared too..." It's like I just think of him every single day and everything reminds me of him. Someone proposed to me to tell him and I truly wish I could and I would love to but I know better. People say, "What is there too loose?" I guess if we weren't meant to be friends after all the awkward, strange encounters we've had we wouldn't be any more. It quite hilarious  we were at a new years party and well he was a little drunk and I was  there too, you know not really controlling what I say but trying my best knowing our history. Well my friend's mother was a little tipsy but I love her to death and we were all in the kitchen and she just came up to us and just kept asking, "I don't know why you two never became boyfriend and girlfriend. You guys would have the cutest babies." I was quite shocked being put in a tight stop like that. I mean I use to think that as well...lol but not really he is just sweet. His first comback to that question was that I was his God-sister which obviously means nothing because his parents are my confirmation Godparents, and then I mentioned looking into his eyes, drunkingly, "It wouldn't work out, we are friends"... I saw the expression of doubt in his eyes and understood it was not the right thing but we went by it... then a few of my friend's mother's girlfriends started talking to us about just hooking and not having a title and we both said that it wasn't right and the friendship would be at jeopardy but they explained that some of them hooked up with their friends and the friendship was stronger. Obviously we had stronger respect for each other than to agree with that but we did agree that it probably worked for them.
It's interesting because even the ex tells me that I am going to end up getting married to this guy and God only knows that I know I would be the happiest girl in the world but deep down I know it's almost unlikely. I mean not only is he musically incline, he is one of the smartest people I have met and he loves sports. He has everything including the fact that is sweet and he one that makes me believe that chivalry still exist only when I see him. For a while we would go to mass on sunday mornings and it would be nice because we would both dress up, he would pick me up and then go...man how I miss being in college. It's one of those times that takes me back to 1998 and think what would have happened if we never moved to Fontana... I never met such great, intelligent people because I do have to say that my friends are gold! I mean our parties may not have the greatest party atmosphere but when we are together we have fun... what can I say we are nerds like that but that is what I love about it. We all enjoy music but we enjoy being with one another more and just hang out and play guitar here, rock band, DDR, karaoke....  I wouldn't be anything without them and that is a very strong feeling and a true and honest expression. If I would have never have suck to to them like a leach I would have never experience the wonders of wanting to do more academically.  Walking to school and walking home the highlight of my everyday in high until my junior year when I wasn't allowed to walk home anymore... my confusion my junior years and being suck in walls... the life I've had and yet nothing's changed. The need to join a hard class just so that he would help me out, it being his major and all. All I can say is that he is one of my heroes, I admire and look at to him more than anybody else I know, literally! And you know why this dream can never be? Because I know that he knows that our friends know that we both know that I know (this is a put down but the truth) I am not good enough. You might look at him and not think much but with everything he is, he worth all that he can get. I could wish him the best in everything he does for the admiration I hold for him will never change unless he becomes a total jerk...
well not really... All he needs a nice, beautiful, smart, girl with no baby. A well rounded off girl just like him ... well life is life.

I don't know why I felt like I needed to let it out a little. Maybe it's right, it's time to let go of it all completely but I know I have told myself this any times. It's hard because I somehow get attached even when there is no attachment and I end up hurting my self. I don't know how I do this... I am so dumb. I am telling you  I haven't cried since like 3 months ago and here I am sobbing like a broken faucet. This is the cause and effect of nostalgia, the worst sickness there is... the quick sand of all the thoughts. The thought of remorse for not doing something more that would have changed things before you were stupid even to get pregnant and never again learn the meaning of true freedom and happiness unless accompanied.  To never again set one foot forth unless a tiny shadow behind you closely follows  yet to be 2 yet not yet fulfilled with the commitment you have set forth in your journey of life... Can it be to invasive if I say, " I love you!" haha of course, of course I know , I know... One day I will get over myself... My tumultuous  needs of letting it all out in hope that every one yet no one will find out how I think or feel in this world. There have been few to crack this brain and heart but still many lack the comprehension needed to know how one keeps a dark, deep hidden heart from those she loves to feel worthy of some cause..

oh well what ever... who needs anybody anyways. They are only there to weaken you and compromise who you are ... I was a real strange one, I finally completely grasped on that fact, that I became a different person. I compromised who I was and sadly I did not become aware of completely until over six years later when I have methods of comparison... although now I realize that my uniqueness was shadowed by completely insecurity and and the longing to tear my heart out... maybe that was why I fell so in love at one point because what defined my weirdness was no longer needed to mask what I didn't have, it wasn't important... spring was...
I have learned that the little things mean so much more to me than anything else... how is your day? How are you? Would you like me to cook for you? How about a massage? I know that I as a girl wouldn't mind serving be, not that I want to put women back a few decades, I mean I love that I can have a job and work and have my own money but love to give and be rewarded... His happiness will aways be my happiness no matter what... even as it's been in the past, just learn to cope with things and move on...

So how about that for blaberring  about nothing for quite some time... It feels good to just let it out. I am no longer leaking from the eyes... such a weird feeling to be broken for a little while in time, haha! Happiness and the end of the yellow road hear I come!!!