The saddest day...

Well after a long realization I have come to find out the meaning of friendship...
"Don't worry about the people in your past; there's a reason they didn't make it to your future"
I have to get to know the meaning of this quote just last night. There have been many friends of mind that I admire for they are smart, talented, and very strongly opinionated but then I guess I have loss some friends I was not aware were gone.  Last night I was a friend on aim and decided to talk to him because it had been a long time since I talked to him and he never use to write to me well he answered to my surprise. We were talking and then I got serious and asked him if I would ask him a question. He of course said, "k." So I proceeded and asked him how angry he was when they found out I was pregnant and well he said that he was not angry but very upset. So I asked him is upset enough to stop being my friend and loose respect but he said that neither. Well that at least made me happy that he still had some respect for me. But I continued to ask him why things changed so much, why we didn't talk and why they never spent time with me when I was in school. Well I sure got my answer, he said that well they 1. didn't know how to act around me. So I asked, "Didn't you guys think that all I wanted was to treated the same?" and he responded that things were different and that they couldn't. I use to be so lonely in my room and the few second they would stop by I use to to get happy but they would soon leave. I told him that I just needed them and he said that he didn't know. He said someday you will "find someone" and they will make you happy. I told, " I don't need someone, I need my friends back." That was all I wanted to have them back... and he said that things changed and there was nothing he could do about it. Some day I will find "someone"...as in singular. I felt so rejected and segregated from them.  After having this conversation I started to make more connections with friends... I have come to realize that most of the friends I thought I had aren't there. I was relying on  stump next to me and when I turn to see what is holding me up, nothing is there and I fall. Last night was the worst feeling in world to think that I thought I had these great friends that I didn't think they gave up on me but they did over 2 years ago. A hard realization.

I wrote an away message, "I only get what I deserve! I am sorry to many. Things happened and unfortunately I can't take them back but you guys were always a ray of sunshine that use to help lead me in my days of need and solitude. Now I have nothing but my thoughts. I am sorry I am sorry I betrayed your friendship in any way. I hope that someday you will all forgive me and hopefully look at me the same way you once did, with that gleam in your eye." apologizing for not being what I once was. I know I could never be it and I will never be the same as much as I try to go and chill with them... I feel bit of a cold shoulder. In my wet pillow I just wanted to blame my son's father but I just couldn't blame him and I can't blame my former friends either. I obviously did something to offend them and loose respect enough for them to try and stay away as much as possible. Last night was the loneliest night in the world. I hadn't cried myself to sleep like that in months... and I was thinking to think that I was finally beginning to put everything in the right position and beginning to be happy to then find out that I am once again alone and unsheltered. Through all my hard times and days of unhappiness I knew I would count on them but now, I don't know what to do. Last night I cried  my self to sleep and woke up with swollen eyes and I just can't stop... is it back to paper and the drawing board. I told him all I want is my friends back, that's all I want. I can't have them back..."Los illegales" broken by me...  The saddest day of my life. You know it's just so hard to have your heart so sure of the happiness it holds and then from one day to the day to find out your were living in this lie and have nothing. It's the second time it has happened but I didn't think that loosing a friend or friends feels like a break up. I guess I only get what I deserve and obviously I guess it's time I pull out of my safe zone. All my friends have so many friends outside of us and I only have them... they meant the world to me but they have others and I only have them... now I guess like he said I must find someone who understands me, I can't rely on this safe zone that no longer applies to me... My question now is who is my friend and who can I go and cry on their shoulder... Everybody has a limit and now I feel like I have no one... Are they all acquaintances? I use to pride myself in thinking that I had best friends but no I am a loner again just like the day I step foot in Fontana. I guess I am too idealistic...  I'll come back later to write and probably repeat the same things as it feels good ... to get over it and move on. Who needs people who don't need you back... well I do but I guess I don't...