Wow, I have to say my dreams are just amazing... most are so sci-fi... i love them. With the dream I had last time I just wish I could keep going. Location: a hospital I don't know what I was doing there but I know that I was hiding from people. There was someone else and we had a mission we were suppose to complete unfortunately the first half of my dream is vague and can't remember. Although I do remember that we were being almost cornered and so I went into a room and there was a girl who had just had a check up so I told her to leave without making it obvious somebody else was in there.  She walk out and somebody just look a peek at the room but I hid behind the door. I knew I couldn't stay there much longer so I had to make a run for it well my friend obviously thought the same thing so she ran and when I did they spotted me and shot me in the head. But I didn't die, it was like one of those lazor gus that melts but of your head sort of thing, so I just laid there on the floor. And the guy who shot me was Christopher McDonald. My dad found me twitching there on the floor and knew that he had to get a doctor to help. The all the doctor said that I was ok and there was nothing he could do. Specially since those guys were there. Well my dad talked to the doctor and he said that it would cost like $5000 but they had to pay up front. My dad arranged it but I then was able to say something and I didn't want to go through with it knowing that the mission was to kill me... so I wait around so a while hiding behind patients and family so I wouldn't be spotted knowing I would only be able to move slightly. Well my dad convinced me to go through with it but we were walking out of the hospital and it was 8pm so we had to go through the ER. We went and told them we had just stepped out and that I was suppose to have the operation almost at that time and he said sit your name is on the list so it's an hour wait. We were waiting and my dad was helping me... when there was like a few minutes left I saw Christopher McDonald looking for me so I took my dad to take me to another hospital where they wouldn't be looking for me... we walk out just the two of us and walk down and start walking on the side of the gate but on the side walk. Then I tell my dad that he at least needs to inform the family so he leaves to tell him and leaves me behind... I just lay there looking as I am next to a mushy greenish, brown ground well it was a swamp that appeared out of no where. Well then I saw this creature who was talking to me... his feet were eating. One of the foot's (head) was green and the other orange. Well my dad came back and saw the little creatures feet and tied them for some reason. Then the little creature began to bleed and my dad was stained with blood... They saw my had taking me and the little creature told the bad guys that he had killed me and now there was suppose to be a search for him... Weird oh and somwhere between when I was hiding and walking around the hospital when I was ok I saw Cindy and her family and talked to them until I had to go back in hiding... it was a cool dream although when I woke up my head felt so weird almost numb, I was almost afraid to wake up and it not be a dream, lol. But it's a weird dream to explain, you had to be there for all the excitement.

Ok anyways so today I went to this quiceanera and is was super cold it was packed with people and couldn't do anything. Besides I was sinking into the ground because my boots... I was not aware it was going to be at a house until I got there. For the amount of people that went, the temperature there should have rented a place for the day... I mean seriously. Anyways, when it was getting late there was people that were getting there and a group of guys got there and I noticed that one just kept looking and I wanted to put his face somewhere because although he didn't look familiar there was something about him. Well I kept of minding my own business and then a few minutes later my mom came by with a guy next to her. Well it's her Godson as well but I was looking at him trying to put faces and I guess my mom notice's me in thought that she asked, "No te acuerdas quien es?" and I lept thinking until the name Javier popped out and my mom was like yeah. He shook my hand curtiously and we talked for a while. I mean it had been like what ? At least  10 years or more from my knowledge. I asked him was he was doing after high school and he just said work. I guess higher ed is not for everybody but we talked and then he was like, "Do you remember when we use to play?" I of course said yes although there was no specific memory only of them terrorizing my sister and me. But I guess those are the memories that we all get. It was nice to get to see him after so many years, gosh man.

So yeah, today was a good day specially since it started well with my dream! :D I have realized that I only dream when I am well rested. There was only been a couple days this week in which I didn't dream but overall I have to say I am very happy and pleased. So I have been thinking of a lot and I am actually quite happy that lent has come so early. I am already thinking of what I am going to give up so I can get away from bad habits. Last year they really helped specially the movie thing. I am now more conscience when I am looking at movies. It just helped so much. I have this image in me that is crying to be seen. It's a picture that I can't get out, I can't draw it and it's hard to explain, although it doesn't bug me it gives me a little of hope. I am now just waiting for the perfect cue.  As we all pretty much know that our lives are lead but "cause and effect" it's just a web of continuous actions and reactions going forward.  I don't know but I think of my self and I think of this ideal. It's weird because I have always lived in this dream world which is obviously to ideal to what life really is which probably explains why I was always so down about life. All that I have known to make me happy has never existed but now I think it is time to make the dream world a reality. It's the only way it can work and it can all come into place. I see everybody having fun and traveling while I am imprison my self and I know that I can't escape even if I wanted to for a minute the guilt for kill me not to mention the thought about imprisoning others. I just sometimes wished that I would just take the weekend and leave or even more be invited to do more things but it's all known: well she can't come, she'll say no, or not even thought of. How much I use to dream of just taking off for a while no questions asked and relax and chill but no! I can't. I can't leave without mentioning what I am going to do, where I am going or even with who. I just feel like I am trapped in this box in which I need a ticket to breath for a second but only a second because a second is too long for everybody to let me relax. Oh how are you? , can I help you?, would you like to just leave for the weekend and not worry just rest and relax... NEVER! It's mostly I need you to take me here, I need you to do this, pay for this, etc... Are you going to be long but I thought you were going to take me here. Let's go I need to be here right now. What about everybody getting their own fucking car and learning how to drive and leave me the fuck alone. I just want to stay home and not have to go to a stupid quinceaanera, wedding, party unless I want to. Everybody has their own friends why am I the one who has to be everywhere.  Man I could almost guess that as soon as I have my own place I am going to stay away from some people for a while so I can breath and relax and just worry about my priorities not everybody else's. I don't give a fuck what you need, learn to do it your self... once I am gone, I am gone and I don't want to hear anybody's problems. I dealt with mine and I am fine so can they.  AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  I just have the hope that everything will get better. That is my ultimate happiness for me not to have to depend on no one, my parents, family, siblings, baby's daddy NO ONE! just ME! Plain ol' simple me. I don't even want a relationship until I know that I can do it all my self. Then I will be self fulfilled  and if for any reason anything happens I  can just continue my miserable little life without dealing with the thgouht of failure because I need some one else's help. I know I jump around too much but it's the way I need it to come out. Just write, write, and write...  Sometimes I scream and I just feel the sensation in my chest but my mouth doesn't open , and no sound comes out. I would love to one day go deep in mountains with some one so that they can teach me how to scream, how to let it out that way... something different in which I have never known how to express the best way. I keep all those feeling within even when I write, I write but the rage, the anger stays inside.... I need help! But I know I will help my self soon enough. The time is approaching. I am glad it is and it's the best way and the best time. You're coming and that is all I feel, it's growing, we'll see what it is... ?? Don't know yet but it should be a huge impact to my life! I am waiting ... Well that's it for now, I guess I have to sleep since I need to be up for church at 8am... 6:30am AHHH! too early, lol oh well!