So lately I've been having my ups and downs but mainly downs... I'm not going to try and kill myself either... if I was I would have done it a long time ago... lol don't tempt me though...
It's weird because I think that there is a chance in life that wants me to be happy but the fear of me thinking I might be missnig out on something better is allowing me to almost be missing out that is right in front of me. I know how we always talk about someone we want to meet who makes us happy... and blah blah blah... cliche shit but what happens when you're been a dreamer for most of your life and a person who is actually trying to come into your so-call weird world is there but now you're unsure about how to let it come about happening. I am freaked out and I know people tell me to just let it happen... but I don't know... I am ready and have been... I've been seeing people have bf and they break up and continue their lives but I don't find all of that, that easy. We all know life is as easy as we make out to be... so why are my brain and heart set out in different pages...
Sometimes I think I should just go and have sex and maybe everything will feel better but no it wont because I want soomeone there... willing to every single time I want or they want... it's idk know... I think it's come to the point... where I just want to give up on everything... you know just die alone so that I can't hurt inside or hurt them or something... I am not a person who easily can say no...
I'm afraid that if I get into a relationship and I am not happy, I wont know how to get out... I enjoy talking... and maybe even sit there without saying anything as long as there is a presence but I also hate being alone and the feeling of being alone as of a sudden... heart shattering... I know nobody is made of glass... so we can't physically break... But I really don't think my heart cant deal with something like this... it actually hurts a lot right now... from the paseng back and forth... back and forth and all the thinking... endless dark tunnel of uncertainty... I just feel trapped in the cage waiting for the day I will be set free but when they come .... I prefer my lil cage because I already know its safe...
I know I am not giving my self much hope for improvement... and I can pull out excuses and lies like no other just to maintain the illusion of my perfect lil world but I am not happy anyways so why do I stay? I don't know how to break out...
Well it's not that I don't know bc I know I'm given the opportunity but it's more like I'm stuck in between both these worlds. I want to give it a chance and then I think I might be missing an opportunity... No one is disposable and I surely don't want to be disposable either... so it's something I really have to think about.
I need a therapist... If I wouldn't have stopped in college maybe I would be so much better...
I know I ramble on and on... but I am hoping that as I type I will somehow have some sort of an epiphany and my mind clears and I will be completely and utterly happy...
What are the chances of that... maybe willing the lottery twice will be more likely, lol!!!
Sometimes I wish I can know what I was going to be doing 6-12 months from now... just for a day so I would be able to put my mind at ease... and then I think... that would make me more miserable...
So random... I am going to stop before some goes crazy and it will probably be me...but I know a couple of people who would benefit from this... lol... k done!
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