I've been cooking since I could remember. I almost want to say I've
been in the kitchen since I was 10 but sometimes I think it was earlier.
We've always been a big family: my dad, mom, sis, 2 bros and myself
(well before my son was born) but my mom when we were young use to
baby-sit and sometimes from 4-8kids. My mom has always been a house wife
and has alwaysmanaged to know how to make a littleincome from home.But,
since there was so many kids and I was to oldest I had to grow up
fairly quickly. I wasn't allowed to play much bcause it wasn't lady
like. I always had to be sitting and stay put. Myresponsibilities have
always been there without question making sure everything runs
smoothly.. IN fact when it comes to money both my parents trust me more
than they trust themselves which is something I would love to change
because I can't be there P.A. (Personal Assistant) forever if I everplan
toget marriede. i know they can handle their own things but it's easier
I do it for them. I've been their right hand person for as long as I
could remember. I remember being young and knowing their finances so I
felt guilty not havingshoes and not having the guts to tell them (kids
made fun of me in school, I never told a soul until now, it hurt like no
other but I also didn't have the heart to put my parents through more
hardship). My sibling always asked and they received and I would tell
them to wait but they couldn't they didn't know how my parents did their
best and got them what they needed and I still couldn't.
So
anyways, I had to learn to cook at a young age just so my mom would have
enough time to do everything she needed to do. And my sister being 2
yrs younger helped watched the kids. She has always been more a kid
person. So I have been cooking for groups of 8-10 people plus all my
life. Now,there was a small problem when my sister moved out, well it's
been almost 2 yrs and it still feels like it was yesterday. I couldn't
move out for obvious reasons, my mom had had her car accident and being
the oldest it was my responsibility and she still needed help and a lot
of rides which prevented me from holding a job (even up to now but the
time has arised where I can start looking now) With my sister out of the
picture, cooking became a little difficult she use to request a lot of
my cooking so I would make some of what she wanted. One of my bros had a
baby in january and moved out shortly after. Another big change, we all
of sudden stopped cooking certain foods, soups and such he loved. we
tried making some one day we thought he was going to come over and it
went to waste.We decided we weren't making anything of them anymore.
We're currently 5 people, 4 adults and 1 child.
Cooking has
changed somuch that I've lost my inspiration. It feels like no one is
there to appreciate it, to enjoy it anymore. My other hardly eats at
home anymore and my dad well sometimes...well in the evening dinner and
usually rather late. Danny has his own food he picks from what he wants
and he asks specifically. He claims I'm his personal chef, I wish I was
getting paid lol. So meanwhile I'm cooking from 1-3 people at a time
and frankly I'm having a bit of a hard time adjusting. I suspect that
sometime near the future it's just going to be just us 2 and a bigger
adjustment will be in order although really tough, since my parents were
gone the weekend Danny couldn't stop asking for them especially my
dad, "When is dad coming home?" and all I could do is tell him he had to
wait, he loves them and misses them both no doubt it can be a tough
transition.
I'm trying to cope the change in cooking
arrangements, but I'm not feeling it. I guess it brought joy when they
enjoyed it or when I saw them eat it but since we're so little there is
less enjoyment. I can't tell if they enjoy it or just eat because. I
avoid going to the kitchen much except for water,it's even taken away
appetite (not that it's a bad thing) but the kitchen makes me sad and
lonely. I at wished at times I had someone to share it, I think it's my
turn. The family is all grown but I'm still there.My other bro was
telling me he might move out in a couple weeks. He tells me but isn't
going to tell the parents (and he hopes the plans don't fall through)
but all I can think of is more added pressure on my back. (I know a bit
selfish even though no one helps me deal with everything but having
someone else there to take the heat when someone else has a bad truly
helps. I guess I just suddenly feel like all my sibs have abandoned me
and they don't it and well they don't care because they think
the pressure I take is a choice or they can't do anything. I try and
have them be as nice as possible to mom for selfish reasons but because
if they or she get mad they can just walk away. Must be nice. My bro
who is thinking about leaving is the only person I talk to generally and
my mom gets mad when we're talking and laughing (which isn't too often
but she wants to be included, that can't always happen) I guess she
feels left out, she needs friends , so I guess he is the closest person I
have IRL. No other sibling of mine, I've been able to get along in that
mental level. He tellsmea lot about him and I tell him about me. I
think he's the closest person to knowing who i am, the real me. He's a
boy so he tends to be less judgmental will listen and actually hear me
out. He's the only one out side of xanga in person who I've allowed to
see my poems and he gets them. He can be a little protective when I
speak of guys, lol he treats me like a younger sister, I'm 26 and he's
19.
It's never been easy for me to trust. I don't take
friendships lightly which is why friends are hard for me take in because
as much as friends as suppose to be, I don't feel they've learn to
accept. I've met great people here on xanga and so far only one who I
feel has accepted me for me, but life is a challenge.
Times are
chagingm which is verygood, I guess it makes me a little sad at times. I
guess I hoped that the change in my life would come earlier than the
change in my siblings' lifes but then again it did at 20 but but hoping
for more. Suddenlycousins are having families, are married and I'm one
of the middle ones, friends are settling down, getting married and being
happy with their own new families but I'm still just there. I guess
I''being a littleselfish. I've hadto wait,well a decision if you will,
mine. I guess I wasnt ready and now that I am I wish I could make up for
lost time but it never works like that.
The treasure I use to
uphold for cooking is almost gone. Even if it's me and Danny, I wont be
able to cook the same. I guess in my mind when I was young my
"Godfather" told me, keep a man happy in the stomach and he will love
you forever. I know it's a little dumb but I mean it's all I've had.
People enjoy it, but it's not the way to a person's heart at all. I
mean, I don't know what it takes for even embed myself in person's heart
but I'm sure it's not easy. Then I wonder if somebody would ever truly
want me... It's hard to explain. I guess it's tough coming to a
realization that a family of 2, is a tight but broken family and it's
something many don't understand.
Family has always meant the
world to me, maybe more than I actually express it but I seems as though
I care more than they ever did. I just hope one day I can have that
feeling of it falling in place together. Maybe when we all have of
somebody and we can come together and talk in all seriousness but it
just seems so far away like in the 10 yrs plus and then I think I would
be in my mid 30s and it depresses me, lol.
You know the feeling
of sometimes waiting or continuing life and nothing happens. I mean
regardless it continues and it can't stop. But I do wonder sometimes (I
know, it's not good) where I'll in 5 yrs, 10 yrs, 15 yrs... but where
ever the wind takes me should be just as grand not like I have a choice
anyways. I do hope there is a nice strong change in the wind for me, for
the better, of course!
I see my son so happily playing with kids
it relieves me he'll be starting school soon but it makes m think so
much. He's 5 going on 6. He's been an only child. I, at least, got to
grow up with my sis (2 yrs younger) even though she beat me up a lot lol
and got me into trouble (oh well, haha) and my twin bros grew up
together too. Dan's had a different life, not having to share much not
even me (very jealous boy) but he's had all his needs and I think a lot
of love too, he's been spoiled as well but what can you do... Life is
changing constantly. And it's been interesting...
I do hope I
gain some motivation to cook someday again... If I get married it would
be nice but what if the husband doesn't like my cooking? Well, it helps I
love learning new things and dishes... oh well, it's too soon to even
think about that.
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