Unconditional Love -Stage 8

The Eight Stages of Intimacy

[To achieve a successful relationship] 

 [ This is a long post so I am going to separate it into 8 different days or sections which talk about the individual 8 stages of how a relationship is created into intimacy (not sexual) (this wasn't written by me)  and then link them all together]

[Italics is my writing -FYI]

1. Physical Intimacy (Looks, etiquette, charisma)  (Stage 1)
2. Aesthetic Intimacy (Arts, style, Culture, General Compatibility)  (Stage 2)
3. Recreational Intimacy (Shared interests, sports & Hobbies) (Stage 3)
4. Intellectual Intimacy (Hopes, fears, opinions, beliefs) (Stage 4)
5. Spiritual Intimacy (Morality, Ethics, shares Existence, & Shared Goals) (Stage 5)
6. Emotional Intimacy (Feelings, Trust, Security, Safety) 

7. Sexual Intimacy (Touching, sexual liberation, Physical contact, Romance, Copulation & procreation)

8. Unconditional Love (Love & Support without Strings, Expectations and Regrets)

Truly the most difficult level to attain, few couples experience unconditional love. It is the ultimate goal, similar to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, unconditional love is the equivalent of self-actualization. Many people will come close to experiencing unconditional love with their children. Pets provide unconditional love for their owners, loving them regardless of who they are, how they act or what they think. To love unconditionally means that no matter what someone does, says or is, you love him or her fully and without reservation, without ever expecting anything in return.
However, it does not mean that you sacrifice yourself or your own values and morals. Sometimes the hardest part of unconditional love is allowing others to fail.  Commonly we refer to this as "Tough Love".  It is tough for a reason.  It hurts as much to stand back and let the cards fall as it hurts to be the person triumphing through tribulation. In the first edition of this article, I used extremes to illustrate how difficult it is to love unconditionally and how sanity requires conditions.  The intention being that we all place conditions on our love, as instinct and self-preservation.  These conditions help keep us out of danger and safe; unconditional is rather altruistic or utopian, not always wise.  One of our readers wrote in with some excellent observations. This is the example I used: Can you forgive, stand by and accept your partner, without reservation or regret if he/she:

a.  Molested or stole your children

b.  Killed you, your family or someone you love

c.  Robbed you of everything you have or destroyed everything you have

d.  Decided to participate in a homosexual lifestyle

e.  Infected you with AIDS or any other chronic, terminal or fatal disease

f. Committed adultery, arm robbery or any other moral/criminal transgression.

g.  Became a terrorist or spy against your country

h.  Became a vegetable, invalid or mentally ill

i.  Lost everything and became financially ruined

Several readers became alarmed.  My attempt to show how ridiculous unconditional can get, without realizing some people would take my tongue-and-cheek extremism as instruction does cause problems.    What I was trying to do was show good reasons (illegal, abuse) to leave with the common reasons people leave (money, illness) to illustrate how ridiculous the common reasons were when compared with good reasons.  I failed to do this effectively. The following is RM's response to the above question:
As a graduate of Social Welfare at Berkeley and a MFT candidate in graduate school, I disagree with some of your statements.

A. Social workers dread this mistake made by so many parents who are suppose to protect their children. Many women or men stand by their partners who have physically & mentally abused, burned, or tormented their children. A lot of abuse goes unreported because ignorant people want to stand by their loved one. When abuse is reported where social workers step in, it is sometimes too late. You have to understand that these kids grow up never forgetting or trusting people. It is all right to forgive someone who has hurt your children, but you have to move on. It is important to keep in mind, children depend on a parent or guardian to protect them at all costs and sacrifices. If that sacrifice happens to be being without a partner until you find a lucrative, safe, and healthy intimate relationship, then sacrifice!

B. If you stand by someone who has killed your loved one but has never suffered from schizophrenia, bi-polar disease or any other mental illness where they thought your loved one was the boogie-man, then YOU need to admit yourself to a mental institution.

C. Whether a stranger or a loved one robs you and destroys everything you have, it IS a crime, and one must pay for their actions. Material items can be replaced, but having fear and mistrust takes time. It is an invasion of privacy. People save up for their children's future college expenses, home repairs, etc. A loved one is suppose to support your dreams, not try to destroy them.

D. You probably could stand by your loved one if they became a terrorist or spy against your country, but the CIA would probably  question you why. I hope you have a good answer for them. If you do not like the country that you live in or the political system they support, then it is better to leave, than to put loved ones around you at risk. IF the government thinks you are involved, it does not matter if you were not involved. You probably just threw some ideas out there, but most people do not question what is in print. Fortunately, we give thanks to God, Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, and whoever teaches us that you have to question what is wrong, right, smart, safe and conducive for all mankind.

Touché!
Below are several loaded questions and some of our favorites to throw out on a second or third date.  Why?  Because they break through the façade and demonstrate the level of tolerance a person has for others, especially when it comes to children.  Knowing his or her threshold of acceptance and forgiveness early in the relationship gives you the opportunity to decide if you are willing to conform to his/her rules or not. The antithesis of unconditional love is narcissism.
19 QUESTIONS EXPLORING UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
1.  Is there anything that a person can do that you will consider being unforgivable?
What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Tells you about his/her morality, values and what types of conditions he/she places on his/her love.
2.  Do you know any couples that seem to have achieved unconditional love?
What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Points out the type of relationship he/she aspires to and what about it he/she finds appealing.
3.  Do you think it is possible to love unconditionally?
What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Points out the type of relationship he/she aspires to and whether you will both be supportive of your children, regardless of whether they become Charles Manson or Mother Teresa.
4.  You and your family have been invited to the White House for dinner. Your teen-age son shows up with a nose ring, tattoo, and green hair. What will you do?
What Your Partner’s Answer Means:

1) Tells you about his/her morality, values and whether he/she places conditions on his/her love. 

2) If he/she is willing to accept another for him/herself, regardless of what he/she thinks of the choices he/she makes.