I know I've been writing a lot on the same but different subject, it's always been of interest to me. Maybe because I use to want to go into psychology and personalities and sexual psychology as well... Not that I really know because most of you have had more relationships which means you know what doesn't work more than I do... I have just chosen many times not to deal with people or relations because sometimes what's the point if you see at the beginning it's going to fail anyways. I know sometimes you should try but should should know when it's worth it. With only one relationship of almost 3 yrs and actually dated 2 people and talked to one other than who I'm talking to right now... I don't have experience but I do measure what I do... I've made a lot of bad calls but thankfully none have backfired, who wants to get something out of someone who has nothing. I guess that's to my advantage.
Anyways, I guess I'm just talking bs because I have a lot of my mind and yet nothing at all. If some of you know me, which I doubt... you know I speak in a lot of contradiction mainly because that's the way I am...it's a constant tug-o-war fight with my self and this is how I make decisions. Go figures, right? How do I ever really decide.
I don't know why but earlier I became suddenly emotional. I just hate it. I can't explain and even if I tried it wouldn't make sense to anybody. Maybe, but why even try. After all I'm here to make me feel better not to make others feel better, I'm always told I should be more selfish but sometimes because people don't understand being selfless if a part of being selfish... maybe I don't get anything in return but a mere smile sometimes is worth it, or consideration or something....
I'm not sure if I ever understood friendship and if maybe that's the reason why i always feel like I do... I try and make connections and somehow they get ruined in one way or another... I know it must be me because not many people struggle with them. If I knew what it was I would fix it...but I don't know I'm naive or ignorant to it and then here I find myselff. Or sometimes I wonder if I even want to fix them. Maybe I try but not hard enough. I do the bare minimum to get along yet I want to share love with someone. I guess to me sharing is more than what some think of it. I don't want to be alone but with friends you can only share so much. I like my solitude but I don't like to be alone.
It's so hard to explain. I just babble. My mind is cluttered while hoping that one person I'm thinking about is ok. I do constantly worry. I finally got everything done for my son's school... the last thing was yesterday, the dentist. They fixed what was going to be a cavity eventually. School starts tomorrow but it's mainly orientation where we will receive all the only we're missing and get to meet the teacher. I have to be there. And the hard part is that I actually work tomorrow as well. I'm just glad that I have a few kids on the list...
Next week I go to DC .... I'm stressed now about Danny's school and there only being 2 cars and work and picking him and not being able to when I work and not knowing whether someone might. I know this will all get fixed... It has to fall into place... but what will happen when I get a full time which I'm going to because I need the money. Suddenly feeling overwhelmed... I know I need to adjust but we'll see...
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