The Eight Stages of Intimacy
[To achieve a successful relationship]
[ This is a long post so I am going to separate it into 8 different days or sections which talk about the individual 8 stages of how a relationship is created into intimacy (not sexual) (this wasn't written by me) and then link them all together]
[Italics is my writing -FYI]
1. Physical Intimacy (Looks, etiquette, charisma) (Stage 1)2. Aesthetic Intimacy (Arts, style, Culture, General Compatibility) (Stage 2)
3. Recreational Intimacy (Shared interests, sports & Hobbies) (Stage 3)
4. #Intellectual Intimacy ( #Hopes, #fears, #opinions, #beliefs )
Reaching intellectual intimacy is the first true test of a relationship and where you first begin to #trust your partner with your deeper self. This is where you share your hopes, fears, opinions and beliefs without fear of ridicule or chastising. It is within intellectual intimacy you learn how to mirror each other, validate the other’s point of topic and engage in ideas. Your closest friendships will also achieve this level of intimacy. Intellectual Intimacy doesn't really have a lot to do with IQ or relative education, though studies have shown in the majority of successful marriage, the man and the woman are within five IQ points of each other. Intellectual Intimacy is about the core motivations and character of an individual.
You and your partner have solid intellectual intimacy if you can answer Yes to all of these situations:
1. Both your & your partner know what each of you are afraid( #fears ) of and you both make an effort to keep each other from those situations and stimuli.
2. Opinions, even those you don't agree on can be stated, argued and acknowledge without fear of ridicule,abandonment or abuse. Especially true for such heated issues as #politics, #religion, #parenting and #sexuality where you may strongly disagree.
3. Without realizing it, you and your partner often mirror each other's actions, gestures and speaking style.
4. You know what your partner's life #goals, hopes & #dreams are.
What about religion, which is part of Intellectual Intimacy? Seeking your spouse, it is perfectly acceptable to state, "I only date Jewish men" or "I only date Christians". This is not racist and you are not being prejudice; you're being practical. Relationships are hard enough without mixing in different theologies. If your beliefs are strong and your faith is a major center of your life, this is referred to as a "non-negotiable", a value or principle you require in a spouse. We recommend having 3-5 non-negotiables (more than five and you are too picky; less and you are too desperate), which anyone you date must have.
[You start to decide and set your own boundaries. What type of person and what are the deciding factors.]
For myself they were: 1) Christian, (Catholic or Protestant didn't matter as long as he is devote), 2) wants (more) children, 3) college educated or an entrepreneur and 4) highly intelligent. Everything else like height, income, likes, dislikes even race fell under preferences and if he had them, were bonuses. Same principle goes for race when we're talking about your life partner. There is nothing wrong with saying you want your spouse to be Asian, or white or black…this person will be your spouse and the parent of your children. You are entitled to be picky. If race is important to you in the conception of children, then make it one of your non-negotiables; but remember you only get five so make them count.
Below are key questions to ask yourself about your partner. If you can answer all of these by knowing your partners responses, it means you've explored and established physical intimacy. Unlike the first 3 stages, questions pertaining to Intellectual Intimacy should be reserved for people you already know, rather than those you are meeting for the first time.
QUESTIONS TO UNLOCK INTELLECTUAL INTIMACY.
1. What is the biggest misconception people have about you?
What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Allows you to understand him/her from the perception he/she believes others have of him/her.
2. Where do you see yourself in ten years?
What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Clues you in to his/her aspirations, dreams, and goals. Also lets you know if this is a person who defines their destiny or lets others do it for him/her.
3. What do you consider to be your greatest accomplishment?
What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Lets you find out what he/she thinks of as important and what his/her values are.
4. How do you define success?
What Your Partner’s Answer Means: Lets you find out what he/she thinks of as important and what his/her values are.
5. Can you define your principles...what do you stand for and why?
What Your Partner's Answers Mean: Very few people can articulate their principles and these should be easy, off the top of your head in sixty-seconds or less. If he or she can, you are dealing with a person who is not easily manipulated, strong in conviction and thinks critically. Principles can change over time due to new information and experiences. They are dynamic rather than static, yet they remain the benchmark each of us measures our decisions against.
6. Where do you stand on, (pick any hot topic from current events) and why is that your position?
What Your Partner's Answers Mean: This will tell you if he or she thinks critically or if he or she simply parrots the pundits, whether he/she consults both sides of an argument, where his or her values lie and what he or she stands for.
This is the definition of a "loaded question". A well-informed person should be able to argue both sides of any topic effectively and then through an explanation of his or her principles explain with facts why he or she thinks that way. Someone who thinks critically will avoid propaganda techniques like name-calling/characterizations, speaking broadly with no verifiable facts, (a critical thinker will know where the facts came from though he or she may need to do some work to provide them) and filibustering...talking over your points and not allowing you to justify your position.
By the way, an honest person with intellectual curiosity, should it be an issue he/she is not well versed in, (everyone has his/her areas of knowledge and unknowns) will state something along the lines of, "I don't know enough about that issue to give you an opinion at this time. Tell me what you think about it and why you choose that position." This also tells you the person is open minded and willing to learn, which is a good thing.
Pay close attention to the answers to these questions. Serious relationship problems begin with incompatibilities in Intellectual Intimacy. They will tell you more about the real person in front of you and give you a solid insight to the person behind the public image he or she portrays.
5. Spiritual Intimacy (Morality, Ethics, shared Existence, & Shared goals)
6. Emotional Intimacy (Feelings, Trust, Security, Safety)
7. Sexual Intimacy (Touching, sexual liberation, Physical contact, Romance, Copulation & procreation)
8. Unconditional Love (Love & Support without Strings, Expectations and Regrets)
The eight Stages of Intimacy by Laura Lewis
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