(Sensitive subject, please be kind.... ) I'll answer questions, if you have have some, or explain... whatever you want but it might be different than you might have felt in life before or comprehend....
Let's Retract....
(This is personal account, not everybody feels or have felt the same... everybody may experience different feelings, or interpretations on the subject)
In this lovely life we all go through hardships... Many can cope and some of us haven't figured it out. Life is hard and we're put upon trial, many in which we feel are slowly chipping away at our personal life. (You've never felt like this? Lucky!) It's not about hating life ( well, not everybody), it's not about being completely unhappy (sometimes people are but there's more an underlining why...) but sometimes it's about having a control over what you already can't control. It feels like the easiest way to regain what you haven't had for a while... FREEDOM, an escape, and easy way to cop-out... I know, I've been there! It feels like letting go will let you sore in the sky and have the abundant freedom...but, it's not that easy.
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I've been there... didn't do it, obviously I'm here... I've been practically in isolation my whole life, since I can remember all the way to pre-school. Since I have always appeared quiet shy to everybody, that's all they know... I am more distant than some... but when I had friends, I share my moments, its just that time always leads me back to my nature... being alone... I guess it's more of preparing to share my life with somebody than always relying on having friends around. There was never a cry for help with me, actually nobody would have noticed... they only knew me as the sad-eye one... in black, depressing music... and that's it...
That has always been ME!!!
Sure, I even did the whole cutting thing (I know touchy subject, but it's true) .... and unlike what people thought, it wasn't for attention that I did... nor did I do it for other people to notice. Nobody ever did.... I've always been alone with my personal burden!
When you're at point where you feel so much pain, that pain isn't enough for you to feel... you become a little numb... Numb with life, numb with pain/happiness... you're just there( living the motions (although, not actually all present) ... you eyes loose their brightness and you are just empty. There is nothing... (I remember my sister specifically hated when I would stare at her when we disagreed on something. She would say, "I hate that blank look you give me") I didn't know my stare would go right through her but that's how I felt. I guess my siblings always called me "emo" and they still sometimes make fun of me... they would joke around with cutting ... and I of course always denied everything.... (making fun isn't the best way sometimes it's feeding the negativity and even the depressed heart) After, I would leave them with th happy facade they wanted to see... I would go and bury my self in my pillow(sometimes literally)... many times and more distance I became and feeling-less. The thing about people who make fun of people for something it's because they don't understand the feeling. They don't understand the pain one feels. They don't understand how a person can get to that point. They don't always understand responsibility. Those that go through such pain is because sometimes they do a lot, sometimes so much it's overwhelming...
You think it's sad, or you pity me or those who have felt this way... fine. I'm not making you change your mind on how you feel about it. But, When I hear of others having pain as I have in life... I truly with all my heart wish I can take all of their pain away mainly because I've known how it feels. I wish no one would ever have to go through that in their lives... I breaks me apart (and I'm sure thats how some friends and family feel, so I never let them know).... The fact that I'm still here is because I have a purpose... Maybe a purpose to help others later in life when I'm more stable. I've been helping my parents which has been a purpose in itself. With everything they've gone through, I've been at their needs for everything...
You can maybe add post-partum to the depression I had accumulated in me.... it became really bad... really really bad... I admitted to myself when I became conscious... I seeked out help... it's the hardest thing to do... it really was/is... my roomate had no idea... But, it was the best thing I did....
I encourage you to see the signs... you might make fun of... or judge but it's no laughing matter I assure you! It's a life and death situation that can be avoided if you help bring life to a person. To help them realize everything they have to live for... or maybe they need an unconditional friend to talk to about everything or maybe not even to talk ... just to be there by there side by side....
I realized:
You know what I was at the end... I was trapped... trapped in my own little box... trapped in my life... trapped with all the words running at a 100+ mph in my head... I was chained and I didn't have an out... I concluded that the freedom I truly craved wasn't freedom, in reality... (well according to a personal believe, it's damnation... but I'm not here to bring in religion, but for a while I didn't care but it entailed)
When I found the help I needed I was Embarrassed as could be... My sentence, my imprisonment was slowly become less... I found out that the freedom I was actually seeking was not a freedom at all but it was an imprisonment for others - friends and fam... I was trying to bind them to something that didn't belong to them... In reality I wanted all to suffer what I was feeling and that was too selfish...
I obtained freedom... when I let me be me and be happy with who I was... and accept everything, including responsibilities which didn't belong to me, and other's burdens ... I knew I was going to have to pay the price... And, was willing to accept... I knew my thoughts were a false freedom, a true imprisonment... and Thank to probably God, I got the chance to live again. Even though life's circumstance are not always better seeing life in a clear light sure makes them a positive... Times are hard and you know what? There is no other place I rather be than be here right now....
I feel happy, content, My heart sings, and I sometimes cry sure... but never cry the tears of not feeling anything at all... I feel lucky and blessed to be where I am at right now. It hasn't been an easy road but I've surely learned many lessons!!
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