So, it feels as though in the last few days I've been tired... I sleep in and I go out a lot. I try not to be home as much as possible during the day and I think my family is beginning to see the trend. I am always being called... Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? And, I am obviously not home, I am not doing anything and if they really want to know... fine I have a boyfriend. Maybe that will keep their mind clear... Will it? Maybe they will begin to accept but no. I know they don't accept so should I get them to or should I let them see for themselves but they don't trust me. Ok, so i'll come home pregnant again and ask for refuge because I don't want someone to depend on... I am irresponsible...
Well you can't get married....
You can't have a boyfriend... it's not right for your son
He will suffer...
Now how can the unconditional love a mother gives their only child ever compare to another... this love is different. Now, those are things I've heard. Now is it right to be told that I have no right to find happiness in another man? Is it? That I have to live with myself so I cannot find true love? Is it right to be asked to tear out your heart so you can never feel again? Is it right?!
NO! I don't think it's right that I am asked to refrain from being a social being... It is not fair that I have to be by my self to accommodate others' perception... That is foolish ideals... Foolish old traditions that are trying to be implemented on me because like many have seen I am weak... submissive.... Easily taken advantage of for their own gain...
I am a tool... if used wisely, others' can rise while keep me close to the ground.
So for those who tell me I cannot live a life of happiness, love, joy?
Should they have a right to know what I do with my time...
Alright, if you wanna know...
I go get drunk, sure I have my occasional smoke...why not? I'm out already...
Well in reality no I don't get drunk... I've drank socially with friends ... Smoke well sure but never in front of my son... or anywhere near him. I leave him behind and before I see him I take off my clothes and take a shower...
Can I tell you about this sweet man who captures my dreams every night? Who every morning wakes me up with the sweetest words? Can I? I know you want to know but you wouldn't be able to take it...

We all live believing there is a person there for us ready to capture our heart we just have to be willing to let them in... And, also in many instances you even FUCK up some great friendships that could have been more but you were blinded by this blindfold that was created by those who say they LOVE you and all they do is critisize you and demean you as a person, a friend, a lover, sister, and a mother.
We all know that there have been instances in our lives that we regret... well if you haven't had a chance you will have one oppotunity in your whole life to regret... there are those that say that they only learn from the past well they do and they have no choice because they regretted and hurt themselves  so much that they make themselves belive they don't regret anything and what happens happens...

I have lied a couple times trying to be like others and say no I don't regret a thing but that is wrong. I do regret many things. Of course, I can't take them back or dwell on them but they are who I am and who I have become. I have progressed a lot in the last few years... when I met myself in high school I was this paranoid, distrusting, hating person... I hated all because I knew they were going to hurt me... I slowly allowed people to enter my world and guess what... every single person I have allowed into my life has hurt me more than they can ever imagine... You say it is not true but I can say every single person I have cried from... they don't know it... maybe now they do but most likely now... And you know who have made me cried the most those that I loved the most... Those I tried to give a little more to... I know that every best friend I had either became an enemy or was prior an enemy... extremes... People ask me..."Why don't you otrust?" Sure, I'll trust you but what makes you believe you are different than the others? What makes you so special? You love me... Well I guess that is something, huh? You know that Love is only hate upside down? It is a small strand in between then... Some seem to believe that if you loved someone so much you could never hate them... may be possibly but is it impossible to not hate youself?

Oh, yeah... So here today I saw him looking straight at me like he had never seen before...
Those soft colored eyes just sinking into my soul... I just felt like I was falling into this deep, cushioned hole of endless trust...
Here we were just mesmerize that not a single word was spoken to say all that was felt. Knowing that this person was more than an angle sent to protect from this cruel world... There he is an here I am...

Today, here I sit...tomorrow will be another 30 years and I still sit.... And I still ask myself should I tell them?