It is strange but in the last few days I've been crying... ever since Wednesday... I just feel like crying... I feel like I have butterflies in my stomach... I feel like throwing up but most I feel so scared....

Scared?

I almost have a feeling something is going to go down... I can't explain but it's different... But I am not crying for that; I just feel fear. I know what scares me but should it? I have been talking to a few people and emptying everything even my most hidden secrets... Everything in me is being stirred up as I slowly pour out all the contents it comes with. Oh trust it contains what you think and more... everything that has happens since day one which I call jealousy...

I always use to ask my self, "why don't I have friends?"
So I go and ask my mother, "Why did you deny me friends? Why did you tell me I couldn't have friends?"
He says, "I didn't say it like that?"
You said,"You can't have real friends because they are not friends..."
As a little kids we interpret don't have kids because it's bad... I still remember when she told me I couldn't have real friends. So as a result I was a loner... sure an ocassional friend her and there but never a friend I can rely on to say everything to cry when I needed to cry... not a friend to play with or to teach me that playing was fun even though little girls were not suppose to play like the boys because it was not lady like. I needed someone to corrupt this corrupted broken little being form her inner shell... this innocent shell she has to learn the hard way... this innocent protected little girl that learned that when you get fucked, it's over... a girl who didn't know that what felt so good was so bad so you at the end...
She was a little girl who was always told she was fat... until this person came along and accepted her for who she was... the gothic, weird, unsocial,psychotic, pain inflicting little girl... a little girl who just cried out for help and was never received... more criticism... eating disorders... many eating disorders... depression... anxiety... suicidal...
Where is she now? Crying... why? Because it has always just been her.... because she has never been really happy...because she is still crying... Yes, she is still crying...  What is she crying about? She is crying with hate, with love, with pain, and doubt, with loneliness and with everybody sitting right next to her not noticing she ever had a problem... there were many summers she cried every single day... laid in bed and nobody even recognized she was even worth helping just yelling...
"You're a good fro nothing!" "You never help out!" "We need you for this" "Go do this"
Always have to do the needs of others but when she needs something can she go to them? Well no; it's not safe zone. Who knows why life has taught me to untrust... Sometimes I tell people stuff and then I fear they let out what I told them... It's not like  they can hurt me with it but it can ... The sinking heart... the dimishing of a heart's beat... the rhythm of life and the giver of passion... a failed organ...
Sometimes I feel like that little girl in high school willing to give her time for this person so their life would be different although they never knew she sacrifized friends and trustees for a better tomorrow... They still don't know the beggin that occured... the plea... one more chance... one more change... they have some good... I know they do...  "Don't worry I know everything that is happening." "ok, thank you very much"
Sadly I blame this dear friend on mine for something terrible that occured to me my sophomore in college... He also doesn't know what I did. I unjustly blmed him for the pain he caused me... a few months of hanging out and eating together, going places... just keeping each other's company... some sweet moments in a girls life... no deception... just pure happiness... no need for holding hands or any sexual feeling... just bliss... but ended in heartbreak and in the arms of the wrong person... With tears and sorrow I cried and remained in my room. One day consoled and the next day once again left by another... 2 loved and left... 1 broken heart twice in a year... No one is to blame... I realized I was wrong to blame neither did anything... which in a sense that is what causes the heart to weaken into a heart break...One tells themselves I have never seen her with anybody in years... well that may be true. I have learn that the best things in life are kept from the world. I have learned that trust is still not easily given... could I have trusted the wrong people? Sure, but then why is it that I am also not trusted when I am have given it all...? Hmmm... maybe that is why... When you have it set-up so you can loose it all it's the best gamble.... I sat at a high stake table and walked away empty handed with a life lesson learned... Only you can trust yourself to see what's in front of you... others only care about you when you have something they want or need and that's it.  I fold... stand up and get out... No more ... miss little sweet girl that falls into those plump watery brown eyes... she drowned in her tears.

I know this is all bullshit but it's true according to see...hehehe... I feel this power I almost have an urge to poke to come out... let it flow out until I am weakened again why life's lies and pain...