I've finally realized why some people like to write about their personal lives and others don't. Some care whether you do and other's don't. But, when you really think about it, it's more about a factor that what you write can affect a person in a positive or negative way depending on life circumstances. What can be happy for you, can be devastating for another... which happens to be many cases and why most people don't like to involve their blogging with their personal lives. Sure, you have friends who are accepting but how many will accept knowing every little thing... well if they're your real friends then they will[accept] but how many of us have true shallow friends??
We know that IRL people love to judge and compare... actually, if we notice people do that here. If you're skinny, or fat, or talk to much, or don't talk much (which you don't get noticed), or flirt, or blah blah blah etc... human nature. I guess we're not perfect (that's for damn sure) but what happens when people with his superior complex come into your life... well not really your life but internet life in which you thought you didn't have to worry about jerks like you did in real life. originally you would drop off and go somewhere off, you run away. It's easier than dealing with shit. I know I've done but when you meet great people you suddenly feel a connection you just don't pick up and leave... you can, but it's not that simple anymore.
I guess the easiest part of here is the lack of a physical or life appearance yet many have had it and it's wonderful but while some have that to go by other's go by the picture, voice, writing style and the perceived image they have on a person.
A problem I've had in the past is that I don't get emotionally attached. I try and not connect as much. It's what I've done in life (not that it's lead to loneliness but); it's lead to less deception or lack of control. You have control over the little that is involved in your life. The thing that happens is when you actually create a connection and there is more to lose. there is a strong bond you can't avoid and like the light you see when you're dying, it just seems like the right thing to do is to follow. I rarely do... I am bad with remembering (some stuff) not convenience, it just happens but I dislike going past a certain moment in life.
Maybe it's never been easy, maybe i've complicated it enough as a youngster but maybe I didn't have control. Not that I do now but I can pick and chose when I'm strong enough. Even though, there are times when you fall and you fall exactly when you dreamed yet never thought it would be. You want to hold back but it's so much easier to let go, you're scared but you want it. You know that the pain might be worth the risk and you fall head first. You choose day by day as the fall seems more perfect...
You hope that thee floor never comes because the fall is just as perfect and weighless as you've always imagined. Dreams become a reality and sometimes, hitting the floor isn't too bad but it's only by the choices you make on daily basis that will lighten the fall and break you to pieces. We are taught to look out and fend for yourselves... Look out for #1... You are your number 1! but, isn't it better to give than receive? Doesn't it feel better to put others before you? to know that you've been there and helped and made a person smile, made their day, helped them out in their moments of need? I don't know about you but sadly and gladly I've never been my number one not in my life. I've lived a life of serving (in a sense) and helping to their own needs ... sure sometimes it was a beer run (college) but I had the car and they didn't...
Sorry about the tangents and rambling... It's just that seeing my family, knowing who we can rely on and trust, trusting them that I have a boyfriend and not hiding because I feel I will get judged feels so damn nice. I've only ever mentioned that I've dated one person... in my life to my family. It's not that I don't trust them but they're quick to ask questions. I can't answer to their needs but this time everything is perfect. It's easy and I am not hiding a thing. My son knows which is the hardest and he understand and is happy. I can never speak for the day of tomorrow but I know that what ever happens I'm happy that it's happened the way it did.
I do worry about tomorrow sometimes but it's ok... I worry about some pains that I get but I just hope for the best and oh well, right. I live with the moments in life and let myself be led by the wind. I guess I've never been happier and it's the way life should be. When you share a smile with someone... it's not about getting one back but maybe helping their day get a little bit better.
I'm just so surprised how life can change in a spur of a moment, how a person can come and mean so you and you to them. It's a strange feeling not because it's strange but because finally everything feels alright. Like you want to tell but you want to keep it as your own little secret.
When I was pregnant there was tears of desperation and concern, tears of judgement and tears of the unknown.... when he was born there was tears of pain, tears of happiness and love. Now, I still have some tears but they don't consist of pain or unhappiness but still continuous joy and excitement. I'm more than happy... I can't explain but he knows and that's all that matters to me.
Anyways, I just needed to blindly write... sorry i didn't re-read for mistakes and whatnot but I just needed to write and just write...
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