I know I've been doing a lot of searching for quite some time and more defined since like March or actually since before. But then it was when I actually started considering more things and well it changed me a bit. I opened my eyes to know. I know I have my phases but it's something that's continuous. I've been trying to figure out things for a while but finding myself... I know I have times where I fall and it happens to us all at different points. I've been asking questions, I've been going with my doubts and been asking and yes I've been praying. I know a while back I wrote about being agnostic, it was nice to have have some support and then others helped with more questions and guidance in their way which really helped me even more. I have really considered so many things. I have come to realize that even some drinking makes me sick so I have really minimized the lil consumption I ever had. I opened my eyes to so many things.
Whether it might be indoctrination or whether I've come to this conclusion on my own but I just can't let go of the feeling of believing there is more and we can't just be alone. Don't get me wrong I don't believe everything word for word the bible says, science and the evolution of life is very important but anyways... I not arguing for one side or the other... I'll let that fight go within those experts who believe they know more than the other side and never meet and agreement.
I'm not depressed.I've realized that I've never been as happy as I am now but for some reason I can't hold back the tears. No, not denial but I'm just a little down yet oddly happy. I guess I have a mixture of emotions with the contrasting way I feel things are working. I don't know why but it happens, I guess. I've also never quite realize how often I'm getting sick... faster and for longer times but it's something that happens, I assume. I was looking at myself (thinking wise, not in the mirror, haven't use that in a while) earlier today realizing that I've entered the mode I was in a few years back... And it's been going on for a small while but it wasn't obvious, it's something I just realized today. I guess this part comes with feeling. People have show some interest and I just don't care, I just go on my day... it has a logical or illogical reason, which ever you choose.
I got up this morning after going to sleep late (I was trying to fix my play list- very and completely random) and well I slept on the floor. It's uncomfortable but it surely helped kinda... I thought we were going to go to mass at 11:30 but parents wanted to go earlier so we went at 10... I will admit (and I hardly admit this) but I was just teary eyed, a tear one by one just slowing escaping from my eyes. (I think my hormones are out of wack) I had to put on at least Mascara and eyeliner to go to church, I haven't worn make-up for a while but You never go to mass looking like a sleepy slob, so something discrete was good.
We found a place to sit. There was this little girl in front of us, maybe 18 months, I was clearing my tears discretely I was sitting in between my parents, I didn't want them to know, much less ask if anything was wrong. Or they know better to ask now, no one ever talks anyways. But, this little girl was staring and smiling... I moved to the side slightly because I wasn't sure if she was looking at me or someone behind but she was looking at me. She was so cheerful and happy. It brought warmth to my heart. But, seeing so little, innocent little girl made it harder to contain my tears. I don't know why she was looking at me and smiling. I know I was, I was listening and looking up until I saw her. She did make me smile and I did feel peace. But, I decided I wasn't going to take communion this Sunday, I don't really have much reason but I do. I guess when I should have gone, I didn't. Not good but it done.
This is not about religion, this is about me. I know I'm sounding selfish. Some people tell me to be more selfish, so I try to be, at least some, when I write. So, with everything that has happened I can't deny what I have been shown. I don't know about hell or whether it doesn't exist but that's truly not any motivation. It's about feeling peace within and trying to project it. There have always been many conflicts in which I wish I was able to run away and friends have accused me only the ones who have truly known me for who I am and yes some of it is true mainly because I've always wanted a fresh beginning. But it dawned to me that regardless of where I go or when it happens there is opportunity for a new beginning. I don't have to be out searching for it to happen 24/7 or dreaming of it because it will happen when it needs to. Anything that happens in life is an opportunity for a new beginning. For the longest time my parents wanted to send to Minnesota to start new out there with family but I just couldn't leave. I know what I do teaching lessons isn't much but it means a lot to those students and the director. In fact I know I'm going to leave that position open in sometime in the near future. I love it but the time is coming where moving on will need to happen.
so anyways back to what I was talking about, I have not stopped attending mass even when I was having my doubts. In fact, just as people proposed, I prayed even more. I've been dumb to deny how many prayers get answered. They do, and many wont believe but that's basically why. You can't pray without believing or some sort of faith in something. I'm not going to say God works in mysterious way because I frankly don't know and to be honest I don't care how He does his job... Just as I don't like people over my shoulder questioning everything I do about what I know best. I still have my questions and doubts about doctrine but who hasn't in thousands of years. Many religions have come out of it, in fact. But, I do wonder and think about how many people have some sort of faith in something they don't quite understand.... Most call it different names[ Insert name of your religion or belief] I don't know but that's a huge part of the world. Some have one or many (Gods) but the fact that so many people believe has to show more than nothing. I know, I know ... I know what some of you are thinking and truly I'm not trying to convince you of anything, I don't care what you believe or why you don't.
There is no need to prove or disprove anything... what's the point? Only arguments and hurt feelings come out of it. We can let the experts fight all they want we all know there isn't a solid conclusion.
Lately, the writing I'm doing have left room in my heart for so much peace and so many unanswered questions I have that will never get an answer. But, I do have my small joys. My students trust me so much that when they're excited when it comes to their playing practicing or questions they text me and ask. Since their freshmen year I prepare them to become leaders in the ensemble. They make me believe there is still hope in kids to want music. I told the director about what I wanted to do in the city if I was able to move back I wanted to try and get into the surrounding schools like elementary and middle schools... and start seeing if kids want private lessons there. The problem with the music program now is that the programs have been cut mostly and there is minimal encouragement. I want the high school to have students who play at a higher level than beginning. Because either way through sectionals or lessons I have to get them prepared to know how to audition, scales, sight reading. I can do it ... well Anyways I was dreaming for a sec... but I hope I can open doors slowly.
But, this is why I'm believing and why I am happy and conflicted in a sense but it's normal for it to happen I know.
Sorry about being all over the place... and this is why I'm a little crazy my mind is thinking of everything at the same time so I never think straight. It's like when I drive... I'm looking for far ahead that I'm thinking of my strategy on how I'm going to get there and manage to weave myself out of the car on my side, and in front... I'm thinking ahead but I'm trying to figure how to get out of it in the now.
Ok, that's enough.
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