When people read back to my old entries I can't help but to reread what they're reading or what they read. And it always makes me laugh. I've come a long, long, loooooooooooooooong way... When a friend versaxyman introduced to me Xanga in 2004 it suddenly became my public diary. The thing though was that I was already half sane by then just pretty down and confused in life. I had my chance to be a mean "me" ... my friends were kind of mean but I think I surpassed... maybe bullied them a bit, I don't know I was looking for myself. I never found her, but I've it's a process with life. Back when I was younger I was a little strong or my friends were a little weak. When they started getting more strength I started backing down, lol... I enjoyed being part of the group like one of the boys because that meant I could hang out like whatever and they didn't see me as a girl. The problem was wheni started developing crushes... luckily they didn't. But, those were fun times... rough play, hand wrestling, movies, just what ever... and no nothing like the show "Friends" ... I was always good at throwing indirectives? to people, never was too confrontational especially after the boys (that's what he always called them even to today "the boys") got stronger so I sorta fell back into girl mode but still had a big mouth and maintained my shy reputation, just my friends knew me... like 4-6 out of the college campus. I look back, and smile and tear up of all the good and sad, and angry... yes, my friends thought I was an angry person, they thought i needed to be kept happy. I guess it was just moments of trying to have control when I had lost all my control I thought I had. I still remember being in college and friend talk about me from high school. thank goodness most of high was a blur... because if I remember me how they remember me, you'd be having some big laughs.
In high school, I was very competitive especially in music and I wanted to always show I was the best. That's just the best part. I was deathly shy but my clarinet wasn't. I wore all black... I was almost gothic like except no spikes or didnt' hang out with the goths... I was a loner, emo, goth band nerd... lol. I was interested in learning about witch craft then. It was something assuming or for fun. Because I was a little off I had weird nick names... none of which I remember, or knew. well, actually my friends I have now sometimes called me witch... well since I was so shy and they were drama folk as well, hey I joined drama. I was a follower of them (big time) I got a part of Hecate ( A witch, or the main witch in Macbeth) for Shakespeare festival the problem was I couldn't act. I was too nice when I needed to be mean. well I petitioned until they made a Mocktrial in school, I was interested in going into Law and being a defense lawyer... oh well kids dreams. But, I was too shy to play a main role like a lawyer or expert witness. They said I had an innocent face *smiles* so I was the defendent very much like that one trial in Florida... Parental neglect (supposedly) and the child died and the other child was testifying against mother. So since my character's kid died I was suddenly "Baby killer" and I did a pro-life presentation for english and had this ugly poster... so kids from my french class from that started calling me "baby killer" as well and they didn't even know I had that nick name already.
In music, I had blondy (I had this awful streak in my hair when I was 15), speedy... and so many others but I was a small dictator taking over sections and invading nicely just to take over. See then, I knew of friend take overs, they never knew what hit them. Lol I was helping out everybody while being successful with mine. I did it all. I was a tyrant section leader in love with the power I had. I see section leaders and i think whimps not because they are but because they can't handle or manage their section. My successors all modeled their technique on me but they never won section leader of the year... me twice in the 3 yrs we competed... My sophomore year and senior year. Dedication.
I still teach kids leadership the thing is their section whines and they just give up. I didn't. And they're afraid to be mean and that they'll lose friends over it. Business is one thing, and friendship another... I've learned this the hard way. Or making business into friends, it will end bad. Two of my close friends now, they were drum majors and I was rank leader, section leader and concert master... come concert season and we had same authority according to the SOP (standard Operating Procedures) but marching season didn't like them at all... after school we're all cool but class.. all business. See that's how it works or don't fraternize.
There was been many changes. I gone through man phases... I've been made fun of because I was weird, because I had a crush on this boy and he sat next to me, because I wore imitation shoes (and could get nikes) because I would go from wearing all black for months and then suddenly contrast and wear all white once... I never heard the end of that one... Still remember those stupid coloroid pants.
If I have learned anything will looking back is that I should just laugh. It might have been hurting and I was silly but in 10 yrs i will be laughing again. I sometimes go back to my journal I did when I first moved... You wanna know weird... the covers written in blood it was my first form of a release. I was really down, and i just wanted to be put down even more. I was 14...
Here's to 20 more years and look back and laugh at my own self for being silly.
Thank goodness I can pull of the wearing black without giving off the gothic vibe.
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