I'm sorry

I am sorry I really am. I sorry I can't conform to the happiness everybody pretends to be. I'm cynical and selfish. I help out for my own self interest to make you better and sadly I can't feel better. I never have since the age of 11. I know the world isn't going to get better, it keeps getting worse. I had once hoped in my years of pessimism but it has only come to be confirmed, the truth rather than the faith I had to put on humanity. People argue over nonsense, lose friendships over stupidity and people want me to pretend to smile and pretend sometimes my heart isn't suppose to cry tears of blood. Well no, I guess that pain doesn't matter as long as I smile to you and pretend it's ok...
I'm sorry you fix your world by pretending or by ignoring. All I really do is hide it from the world when I can, it does get to a point when it's too much and I feel like I'm going to burst or do something stupid. I don't like to pretend always although I do smile here and there, I just don't always tell all the time. I mean what's the point when you're the only one who cares at the end of the day. Why does it matter if you're the only one that can change the outcome... And no, you haven't been able to yet. Sometimes you seem helpless, not your intention and you know you're no damsel in distress, you can do it but it hasn't happen yet as we plan or how we want it. Sometimes people treat you like that since you don't have anything, they feel they can treat you like that... well who needs charity when it's in self interest to make you feel bad. A few bucks go a long way... always.
Patience, Patience, Patience... is all I've heard for more than 15 years... 15 years of writing and talking to my self and trying to understand why things happen and why when I write I make them sound like a crazy person. Over analyzing and accidently feeling mislead. And why it makes sense to others and I'm still in the dark. And at the time I know it all, I just can't fix it. Or I hold on because deep down I hope and then I feel like it happens always. And it's my fault. I start thinking of when I started asking questions and why nobody is there. People are there, but why can't I open my mouth. Why am I the dark one while they all laugh and drink and have fun. Why it's always been me ... then I figured it's because I'm in front of this stupid computer. I just want to get away from this world but it's where people understand... and once they do, you feel lost again. I've met great people and even had a great connection with a few but I will never get to meet any of them. I wont, let's just be realistic. I would love to... but... it always fades...
I guess what I have to realize that at the end... it will all be what I make of it.
I wondered what it would be like to live in the city with crowds of people all in the surroundings. But,  I see those people and they make me sad. They are exactly how I see myself from the outside. I already live in the deserted city. Everybody is here around but "I" am the same and my personality isn't going to change. I feel the guilt of the world coming down and I can't get them off me. I don't know why...


Ok, I feel better... sorry about the vagueness and sorry about apologizing but it's only fair. I'm sorry you read this. Sorry it was boring. And sorry it doesn't matter to you. I'm just sorry... You can't tell me not to say it...