personal space

Besides many things that I've done in life. Throughout having to share a room most of my life and well actually all my life and it will never stop from here on end... I still cherish my personal space. I don't mind a few to share it but I do push people away when I need it or fall asleep or something.
I've never been so touchy-feely and all... I know I can be but I'm not so big because we're conditioned... so I was conditioned to that. I feel bad at times because I'm a bit distant. My son asks me permission to give me  hug and a kiss... sometimes I feel bad but sometimes I just hate being surprised. He's big enough not  to just jump on me... I will get mad. Yes, it's sweet sometimes but sometimes it's not. I guess since I was little I was picky and I always chose who I wanted to be with. It seems like it was usually not my mother and we all know that mothers sometimes are the ones who are more sweet kind... but since I was more daddy's little girl I preferred more a male to care for me. My dad is a distant type of guy himself. He doesn't really let people get close to him, he's quiet and he doesn't say anything. He's frustrated when he puts him hand on his forehead, he mad when he'll look at you and wont say a thing (silent treatment) ... I'm a little similar to him... Danny interact with me the most and he's a momma's boy (he doesn't have a choice)...  My mom had my sister and favored her because my sister would be with her. She's more loving nature and has a way with kids.
I've slowly learned to tolerate people touching my stuff. I think  I would get fire in my eyes in college because my friend would hardly tough any of my stuff or started asking for permission. We were all close but you don't know how it felt. It felt as bad as being invaded... I know stuff is just materialistic but you don't understand the struggle to finally have something to call my own. The hard part has always been something that is mine. When I own it, I don't let it go. I'll share now but it's me. I know I shouldn't consider my stuff myself but it's hard to gain something. It's the only way I was able to demonstrate my personality for so long because I was too shy to speak out, to show who I was. I didn't let people know because I didn't trust people.
Trust me for is very important. It's very delicate as well. I usually trust with a 10 foot poll in between on... a distance safe enough to ok.
And all of this came out because my mom had a prayer thing at home which I don't mind. We spent the whole time cleaning the house and I didn't clean my room but because I washed I just need to put all that clothes away. So I told my son not to come into the room because I know kids follow and he doesn't understand the whole concept. So I came into the room and he was here with kids. You don't even know how I felt. I felt like I was trapped and had no where to go. Then more and more kids came. He wanted to play video games and they wanted to play... I let them stay for like 15 mins or so(i think less)... feeling more and more uncomfortable... I finally took some charge and told them to go play outside... I couldn't take it. I wanted to pull my hair. I don't have many places I was be calm or my own and my biggest pet peeve in the world is when "MY" room door stays open while I'm in the room. I feel exposed... might as well be naked in front of everybody and it would feel the same. 
So yea, my room my personal space, need to be closed.... Unless I otherwise say... I need my little corner to myself with no interruptions and a door. If I had a small office (someday) you'd know that door would be locked... and I would be in there... yup... well I mean I trust some people or a person. haha but yea...

anything I'm done.

not giving anything up

I had been thinking about giving something up for Lent... I mostly do it every year. And it's because I'm usually addicted to something and it would be a great challenge. Every time I give something up for Lent it really helps me because I am not focused on that after the 40 days but this year I am not giving up anything. My focus will just be to try and be a better mom and look for a job. I think those two things are a sacrifice in itself. I have responsibilities in my hands and things aren't getting any easier. Things are tough but we keep on going.
Danny a few days ago before going to bed, he was itchy and I didn't send him to school, today his face has more  bumps and a little swollen. I don't know what it is but I'm not sending him to school. I am pretty sure they're not chicken pox but it might be an allergy. idk to what...
my phone keep dying so that's crap... my computer charger died... (thankfully my sis let me borrow hers) I didn't get the job I applied for something didn't work out. Oh well. I guess I need to look for something different.
oh well we'll see what happens this year. *cross your fingers* and just pray...

Son's heartbreak and my "DAY of LOVE"

So yes we all know yesterday was V-Day (Valentine's Day , a supposed day of love or to many a day of heart break).
My son, my little 6 year old boy had been infatuated with this little girl Amanda in his Kindergarten class.

For weeks he had been talking about her and how "beautiful" she was and how much he liked her and wanted to write her a little note that said "I love Amanda".
It was so cute seeing him happy and smile about this little girl. To think it all started with a little hug the little girl gave him and it won him over. Of course, I knew that they babies (practically). I'm sure she's clueless and he over analyzed that hug which meant she liked him as a friend to, whoa I liked this. I don't know how boys hormones work but I thought I didn't' have to worry about this so young. He wanted to give her all these gifts and he'd been planning and this thoughts went on and on. So cute!! So I went out and bought a few little things for very reasonable price and made her a V-day gift from him and he was so excited to give it to her. He'd been talking about giving her something for a couple of weeks.

This was the little gift I set up for her and wrapped it in clear wrap. He was so excited when he woke up, we were actually early to school.
(There is a story in between but I'll write that one later...  to not get off on tangents) So When I got home I excitedly asked him if he gave the gift to her and he said yes. And I asked if she liked it and he said yes. And so then he said that she doesn't like him. she likes this boy named Jesse... and that he took her to the Library and he over heard stuff. I gave him a hug and asked if he was ok. He said. he didn't care, it was fine. He was on a sugar high... jumping all over the place...
Fast forward to this morning. For nothing, he wanted to get up for school. He said school was stupid and he didn't want to go. He would keep covering himself in his blankets and trying to school. the sugar high was gone and he had no motivation to go to school. He said Valentine's day was stupid and yea... What a way to start as a 6 year old. But, I'm going to do my best not think that everything is stupid and not lose his gentlemanly ways.  My poor baby!! I gave him a hug and talked to him until I convinced him to go to school. He went. It was sad seeing his like that. 

On the other hand my Valentine's day was interesting... I texted J and he would respond but unlike most time he wasn't really into a conversation mood. Yes, I know he's a thoughtful guy and even though it's just Valentine's day it was weird he hadn't said anything. I don't care about gifts but I wanted to see him regardless... For me just sitting in starbucks is good enough for me.
I took my own innitiative because I'm a forgetful person and now have changed my work days to tuesdays and I was down the hill so I figured I was closer to him and it would be easier for me to move. (Something wasn't counting on ... HA!!! In your face for not talking to me ) I text him a "Hi" and he replied with the same so I decided to cut the chase and just ask him to meet me in Starbucks for a drink. I didn't know if he was busy or not but I wanted to give him a little something and it would be ok with me if it was short time.  He asks what time... his texts were weird and distant... My mind was racing ... I was thinking a lot and nothing at the same time.
But, he met me there. I usually go into the starbucks and wait but I didn't want to. I saw him get there and park. As he walks in I take off my seat belt and slowly get out of the car. He had something in his hand. He comes out as I start walking to the place... he laughs and calls me a "brat" ... well yes, yes I am .... He tries to give me his gift but I just wanted a hug. I missed him. Then I received what he had. It was a little boxed with a pinktiger  stripes, very cute!! When he gave it to me... I said, "Oh was I suppose to get you something?" He of course said no... lol

We went inside and I kept looking at him as I read it... he wrote it  and made it. So he asked me to put it up higher so it would block him my from eye sight ... good thing he did because it was so sweet my eyes were filling up were tears... And then he said he was kidding and puts it down... I couldn't' help but try and refrain from tearing but I couldn't help it. I told him I wasn't but DUH  it was too sweet not to. And then he told me what he had really planned.... He's full of surprises!!
So he asked when traffic would die down... we were in starbucks for a while and just headed to my home.
We headed out and I went to my car to put the little frame inside and I got a card I got for him... then I opened my trunk... I couldn't get him anything... I'm broke, I'm sorry. Whatever, right?! So I gave him my pinktiger well I wrapped it in clear wrapped and other stuff. He has my pinktiger (you better take good care of her. I've had her for like 8 years)

it's nothing to what he had planned when we got home... oh and keep you head out of the gutter!!
He had Dinner planned... he's such an amazing guy, so talented and surpasses anyone I've ever met in the kitchen. I'm the luckiest girl alive and there is no man that compares to him!! NO one!! Trust!! My friends like my cooking and my sibs always expect me to and I've met this man who has skills. I'm truly impressed more and more... he's a dream come true not because of his skills but he has all the great qualities. He has a kind heart, he's patience, loving, funny, he's everything If I ever had a list he's my 10!
He made a delicious dinner. My parents, Johnson @Cucumber_Melonhead and I ate. So peaceful. My mom gave a prayer to bless the food etc ...
Guess what he made...

Lobster... (the first time I tried it) So delicious!!
and


Steak.... Mmmmm!!

Lobster with asparagus and stuffed yellow peppers... and steak was in the middle... we shared the steak. 
oh and for dessert....



Chocolate covered strawberries!!
























oh and P.S. ha as if I was writing a letter... I had the best weekend ever...
It was JC's brother's birthday so we went to a dinner (OMG  the price @ Gyu Kaku... it was amazing food, though. ) but I met his brother and a few of their friends... People can sure eat and drink. His brother got very drunk though, it was a birthday celebration Happy 30th . I met his parents briefly that night and got to talk to his mother more in the morning. She's a nice lady. I think she liked me. She was talking to me about him. She's so sweet. I'm so glad I got to meet her. I was very worried but I feel so much better now. She saw his screen saver with pics of JC, Danny and myself. She said my son was cute which was nice.
Sunday we went to Mass in the San Gabriel mission and then to his friends' engagement party. I got to meet more of his friends, his bff and other close friends and I got to try Korean food. Yummy!! I really need to try more cultured food. Once we have time we're going to go eat authentic Chinese food with his parents. My mouth hasn't had such and orgy of foods in it's entire life. I love it. Life is amazing and going well.
I love you, Johnson!!! 

*sigh* venting... sorry

I am just waiting and waiting... I haven't been this bored in a while. The days haven't been this long in forever. I almost want to sleep because they take far too long....It seems as though they've slowed down specially for me. I'm a very impatient person. I have some things to do but it doesn't take over the thoughts in my mind which keep me preoccupied. It always feels as those moments of happiness rush through like the clock shows no regard for the moments of happiness before they're over, I feel robbed... but we all know it's not true... then comes the other times where it feels like an unsynced broken metronome, I feel without rhythm 1.............................2.........................................................3............................................................
.........................................4................................................................................................. just trying to figure out where the second is going to lie. I'm trying to snap my finger and we're not dancing the beat together. It hates me. i know it sounds so stupid but it's literally what it feels like. I can't imagine what will happen when I find out if I got a job or not.

then other times I just feel so stressed because my son sometimes doesn't want to listen and he gets in a stubborn mood. And I can't help but to feel like a horrible mother. It has to be sometimes I did or didn't do but it's so darn stressful. It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be crying like if I was helpless. Even though that's how I feel sometimes. But, it's my fault... he's had me all this time. At least he's not resentful anymore when I do have to leave when I have to do stuff but the hard part is getting him out of the house when we need to do stuff.
And times keep going, he's getting older and people have told me... well if he acts like a little teen now imagine when he's actually a teen. See, he grew up and was apart of when my brothers went through their rebellious stages and God knows my parents were never able to control them. We lost all three. I think the hardest to get back is the young one but I've slowly taken a lot of bad habits he got which have been a lot of work but it doesn't make the long process any easier, obtaining more things but the schools and friends and wants and needs from what they have. Sometimes I feel so alone and other times I don't. I don't know. And a phrase that I've heard has always come into my mind that I've heard a few people tell me... But, I'm not going to mention it right now because it doesn't change anything. People can say their whatever they want, others can get sparked on why they love kids and the challenge, and others why they never want to have kids. Whatever! Just another person, their life and what they want to do but never let what others think affect you. [What I keep telling myself over and over and over... You'd think I'd understand by now] You end up in a hole where no where to go. A person trapped in an idealistic society and a world that doesn't exist yet one burdening down on your shoulders... Why? Because I know... I've been there. Goody too shoes... I was ... and it pushed me to two ends I never want to see. I was unhappy with both. When we allow others to tell us what is expected or what we do is not good or that we are not good standing with the Lord we never learn to forgive ourselves and only live under the shadow of those that tell us that we're no good or ever will be.
Sometimes they wonder why you're damaged in your heart or why you stopped caring about opinion or why their ideal are worthless and why you don't care or why you don't let people know you or why you don't have close friends...  You wonder why some people have no friends... Because they already watch their backs from those closest to them.... forget about enemies... those probably have more respect than those you at one point thought they were friends. Friends are meant to help you and tell you what you did was good or bad but not judge and help you through it...but those [friends] are the most judgemental. You become judgmental mainly in yourself and you judge the world because every little thing you are judging is what you see a flaw in yourself.
I don't even like seeing the mirror. All I see are tainted red button nose and eyelids of crimson- no need for eye shadow at times... what's the point? That's just seeing my face... not to mention the actually ugly part of my figure. Yes, please give me advice... that's exactly what I'm asking for. Fix it. Some find it so easy to mix the minor issues in life and think that will fix the internal. False. In fact there is nothing to be fixed.
The biggest mistake was growing up so naive in the wrong time era. I don't know how that blind fold was kept on so longwith so much so visible. I see such young kids with so much knowledge of sh*t that I wonder why I wasn't corrupted by that, then at least I would understand everything so much more. I guess it's part of growing up with some innocence or stupidity (the previous doesn't exist-it's ignorance) And why blame something that doesn't have blame when everything that happens in life is but our faults for choices... wrong and right ones. But, shhhh.... the world only sees the wrong ones or at least the ones they point a finger at you.
You know when you get that look and they don't say anything but it says everything and you know what they're thinking.... you just want  to scream at their mind ... "Shut up!!! Just SHUT UP!!!! I don't need you to be saying or thinking it.... I already  know... you think it but I live with me."
It doesn't always feel fair but IS IT WHAT IT IS....
I feel so ungrateful right now... I'm the happiest I've been in life and here I am complaining, whining and crying like a little baby... F*** it!!


I feel a little better... just a little...

I'm not around much. I know I can't help it. I love the community I truly do but I'm working on trying to get my life on track. Well, not really, but yes? lol  I'm mainly enjoying the little moments life gives me. I truly feel blessed and happy.
For the 2 month of celebration which was not titled we just watched the Super Bowl (my first one,well that I ever watched... Call me crazy but football is fun to watch [sometimes] but I just don't get it. the only sport I just don't get... I don't know why.) And we ate home made Burgers by my love and enjoyed a whole weekend together. We went to a concert where 2 of my students made an honor band and it happened to be at my former University and we took my son. It was a lovely concert and so much musical talent.
I'm happy my son Danny actually wants to go to school and looks forward it and is always waiting for the weekends and/or thursdays just like me. . I look forward to the weekends as well. 
Right now the family is working on looking where to go, we don't want to be where we're living. We like the area (even though we're far from everything), we like the house, the quiet, the wind, the peace, the fresh air, but we don't like the landlord much. It's best we find another place and stick it through like a family.
I'm trying to get a job. I don't know yet what it will be but it's something that I need to do. I need money and it's time I grow up. Part of the reason I didn't have a job was yes I had other responsibilities but I loved my flexibility to be available regardless if I had something to do or not. I loved the freedom. People talk about money, and I guess I got so use to living on nothing that I conformed to. Why? I don't know but I want everything to be taken care now... I need to straighten everything out if I want my future to get better. Yes, the fact that most of my life is chaotic and unfixed was a huge reason why I also didn't let people get into a relationship with me. It's an incredible debt that I keep to myself. I hate the thought of causing a burden which is why something serious was impossible.
I know I can do it all on my own but since I expected me to be by myself for so long I didn't care about it and it would resolve when it does. Now, things have suddenly changed and I'm still caught with the uncertainty but it will be ok. When I was young I had dreams. So I went to this beautiful campus. I don't regret going there, I still go because I love the peace I feel there. But, thinking back I could have gone somewhere cheaper and I wouldn't be here but I wouldn't have had those experiences or been with my high school friends in college. I made very few friends but my trouble is I don't let people too close. I don't know why... I guess I feel I'm going to fail them anyways why give them such disappointment anyways. If There is no closeness it wont hurt as much. Just simple. K.I.S.S. (Keep It Simple Stupid) People hate complication and I think I  add complication. It's funny because my sibs make fun of me more than accept me but it's ok I've learned. But, I guess it's time I become normal and do something to fix it. Right now I'm playing a small waiting  game and if it doesn't work then I'll just go apply somewhere else. I don't like applying in multiple places typically. I do one at a time because I hate having to choose. I guess it's always been easier to be rejected, it builds strength, you know? it sucks... sure why not but you learned but to get so attached. I suppose there are things in life you learn. And there are more things people will dislike about you.
Anyways, Ugh... that's why I don't write because i always go into other things.
The truth is that I've met this wonderful man that loves me.... enjoys spending time with me and my family... who has the patience like no other, who doesn't mind being around my son. And trust me, he needs to have patience with me [and my son]. I'm strange/weird, mean, and idk how to describe myself. I'm nice sometimes ... just sometimes. I think he's met the real me [finally] and he's still here. 
My son asks when he is going to come back the day he leaves. They play video games a lot well sometimes. They spend a lot of time together. My son likes attention. It's nice watching my son so happy.  
We are genuinely happy and by "we" I mean "I" am but he can speak for himself. Life is perfect. He is perfect. Life is the way it should be. The next weekend is a new step. I get to met his bro. I'm a bit nervous ...sure, but very excited. I love him and hope everything is perfect. Well nothing will ever be but I'm happy with how imperfectly perfect they are.