a new day

I have grown since the last time I wrote in this thing. It's hard to still imagine myself being so hard headed and stubborn over stupid things I had to realize in life. I learned that dwelling over things in the past just didn't work out and put me in bad situations. I have cried everything that I had hidden within but luckily back in May everything got cleared up and helped me realize my happiness within. The closure, explanation just helped repair that heart that had been torn out so drastically. But, today as I see my past and figure that those tears helped me learn a lot. Although I no longer live life as it pertains to my past but I live life with my past mistakes in mind to better my self as a person and as a mother of one. I know there have been many things that are written from then to now and some of the things just aren't important enough to mention. So many things have happened... so many mistakes, so many changes... Such a new light. One can only learn from one self as their life clock turns because you don't and I don't listen to what we tell each other. I am going to do what ever I want to do and whatever I need to and for this I do thank many of my friends... that for many years kept things away because they knew I was blinded and until I would figure things out my self I wouldn't listen. Sadly, I made many mistakes over and over. I was choosing not to listen even my self. I was weak in for my well being. I threw my self in therapy and dwelled on how horrible life was and at the same time I knew it was all my doing. I have done everything to keep my self away from friends, happiness and even future friends... There is this invisible wall in my surrounding that only a few have breached and even a few that breached it didn't even come close. My wall does not protect me, it's keeping me in and I can't get out. It's such a strange feeling when you are with friends and close ones but yet you are still at a distance. As much as you try you just can't get close. Although some 6+ years ago some came into my life who started breaking at it and for many as well as my self was some accomplishment. I was brought down from lala land "reyna's little world" into reality and a new perspective of so many feeling and emotions one had to experience to be taken away from their deception of life, boys, and need to want to die. One wonders how people at such a young age develop such a type of depression in which one's fascination ends up being mutilating, cuting, and an urge to wonder what it would feel to bleed out as the warmth  just flows out of you and you heart slowly and steadily  skips beats to catch up to the missing blood.  Many factors that  even that young person doesn't understand. All they understand is that the world is full of deceptions and nothing is going to change. Even happiness is a mere reflection that only shadows the light until it turns off. At an early age they learn to think that there will never be anything better and as they grow older they start realizing that life was so much easier back in time and that was their mentality. Just  riveting!  You see flies fly with no worry in the world, only eat, procreate, and die... They never thought of the purpose they hold or how the circle of life functions. They never had the ability to question whether there is a "one" up there keeping them in consideration or whether they are going to go to hell or heaven...life rules. All we must do is think that today is going to be the beginning of a new day and a new life. Everyday there is a reason we still have air to breath, heart to love and even eyes to see the beauty that we hide out hearts from seeing. Everyday is not a deception but an illusion of what we could have if we truly believe and want it. All we need is to want it bad enough to come to us. Life is not a game; life is a jungle filled with unraveled emotions, expression and doubts that one must conquer through to see the light on the other side. We will only see the green grass on the other side if the hill until we travel through that thorny road of life...