hmmm

Hmmm... it's been since Oct. 30th and we're on Nov. 5th... it's suppose to normally be here from the 8th-12th is this enough  or will it continue for another who week... My stomach did weird a lil weird ... I was applying pressure... well a lot of pressure I don't know why... it kind of hurt but in a not kind of way. It's hard to explain... my whole lower back was very weak today and kind of hurting...Maybe with the 7 day bleeding it is a miscarriage... i don't know... But if it is maybe it's better this way. If it is... or even if it's not I am just randomly bleeding ... I don't know if I should go ask the Doctor where I went for my check up to begin with... I am scare to be and not to be... or just to ask what is going on... I hate not knowing but at the same time not knowing gives me the benefit of the doubt... you know? The only thing that makes me not want anything is not going through drama and well ruining his life. Well he has so many goals he would like to accomplish in the city...this would definitely diminish they rule for conquest. He wants the world and it's his right to try and get it. I think we met at the wrong time in life... he thought he wanted to settle and then realized he really didn't, which is fine. If I were in his shoes I wouldn't want to settle down just yet when you can live in the city and live the night life. Idk... if I were single I wouldn't be stuck here but I am not so disregard that... my life is what it is. And I would never expect him to come back with me anyways but for that same reason I wouldn't want to be. I know he would be a great person, a great father above all because that is one of his goals in life. Once he has kids he wants to be there... like the whole wife waking up to send him off to work with breakfast in the morning and kid with the kids in the table. the whole bonding thing... he's off to work... finish getting the kids ready and take them to school. You go to work he picks them up...You know that sort of traditional old fashion family values thing. Something he never had. I guess it's always too good to be true especially living in the 21st century but sadly that is what I use to want also... a 50's style home... it all sounds ideal and we know kids are always getting into trouble but that's not the life... Since he only has his dad as a role model and feels abandoned by his mother by her lack of interest... he really wanted the mother figure in his house to fit this ideal of making sure everything was find with the kids. Something really hard to actually obtain... almost this ideal set to a pedal-stool that almost all average girl wouldn't be able to make especially having a career. But, now a days it's not easy to survive unless both parties work. Or at least live fine in a middle class type home with both. 

Yeah, so anyways... The thought of having him give up some part of his dreams even before he's obtained full freedom which he has to wait 2 years would be absurd. I know most of my dreams but been given up... there isn't much I can't do unless I have the money to pay for everything completely. So I know how these things are. And to be honest if he's not around I can't do this by myself either. I can, but I wont. The struggle are so immense that I don't think I can emotionally handle any surprises like these. And I know he sure can't either. Well if the bleeding has ceased tomorrow. I don't know if to buy a PT and check or if I should wait longer. I don't know what to do at this moment.I am so confused... It's like I need guidance and at the same time I don't know what to do with it. I will try to go to the Doc tomorrow and I don't know. See if they say something about why I've been bleeding for so long. Maybe they can explain something I don't know or at least help me figure something out... so confusing...