I can honestly say that one of the hardest things I have had to overcome is depression. I was never diagnosed but with the cutting, urges to end my life, and the loneliness that was felt I am sure it was more than one could have handled. I was not a social person or easily made friends...with my type of awkwardness... and weird characteristics it's weird to see my self as almost normal.
Since I remember in high school I was constantly inflicting some sort of pain whether it was carving into my skin or piecing something. I was always trying to accommodate the loneliness i felt which something else that really did exist. Boys didn't like me because I was different... I was shy, quiet, but smart. Boys like or liked outgoing girls.
Let see when I was a sophmore this stupid little freshman who played the sax had a crush on me. He practically made my life miserable because I couldn't get rid of him and he would make fun of me, which I couldn't stand. Many kids knew I had a crush on this boy so they would use it against me... to the point I would cry and not to think what I wanted to do to my self just to stop the laughter against me.
Well that year was a waste... I remember that following summer when we returned to band camp all the leaders and the band director got together to set up everything before people came. And I remember one of the conversations was to kick out this person out. I felt bad for this individual and I still don't know because he was annoying. So I tried calling his house because I felt if I spoke to him I could have helped him out. My number didn't go through because I had blocked it... so I unblocked it and I think his mother answered and passed the phone to him and I told him who I was and he said "I know, I saw the last name" Well that was the first change in my life... this individual changed this pessimestic, angered, people hater, gothic, emo chic. A few months after talking he asked me out. I changed so much... I started hanging out with his best friend and his girlfriend... we were a tight foursome throughout those 2 years... I think thay 360 degree change was the cause of the deepest depression I had ever been in... the lies, the cheating, the girls, the love.... I don't think I ever cried so much or annoyed my friends because I couldn't stopanswering his phone calls... friends tried taking my phone away because they knew that as soon as I got off the phone I would be crying again and it just didn't make sense, right? Well shortly afrter our last break-up I ended up getting pregnant... and he blamed me for ruining his life and wanted me to have an abortion... I hated him... I was alone... I couldn't do anything with friends anymore and I was stuck. I had a baby boy and fell into a post pardum depression... at that point I subconsciously would almost kill my self. I would zone out and almost caused my self to get into so many accidents and when I would come to I would start uncontrollably cry ... not knowing what to do to fix it.... I started having more issues at home because I couldn't do homeowrk because I had a baby and even thuogh family was supportive they became an issue... another stress factor. My issue became so hard thatthe only thing I could think was dying that I couldn't concentrate in school, friends, work.... I knew that if I didn't do something I would really end up dead and have a little orphane baby who his father didn't want. I threw myself intotherapy sessions... Thank God for that... they helped me learned so much about my self. I learned to forgive, ignore issues that would stress me out... I grew up. I forgave my son's father no we're not together but became friends with his gf (now wife) and we left the past. I learned that I have to live day by day... baby steps and I will be okay. I think I was depressed for many years but I think I am okay now... but I need to be careful because I do have bursts every once in a while and my doors just close and I become weak once again...
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