Life Dreams

When I was young I remember having many dreams and probably looking back pretty unrealistic for that matter or more like: as we grow up, perspectives change...
When I was little (sure) I had the idea that I would be married early on in age. Like ideally I thought 22 would be great age to marry, I guess with the thought that my mom was 22 when she had me and I had no concept that they weren't married at 22 but at 24.
I still dreamed ...

And I dreamed that I would fined a sweet guy early on in life who would want to spend life with me...
We as girls sometimes get caught up in this image and sometimes are disappointed when we don't get married early like the media portrays all couples to.

And then one of my biggest dreams was to actually get married under the catholic church. Walk the isle finish my sacraments as a devout girl... but finding a person with your same interests in life and being the same religion typically don't match up anymore. It can happen for many but I don't close the doors to the possibility it's not going to happen. It's a part of life we all learn to adapt in life.

I wanted to be faithful to the religion.
It was as if I had a timeline for my life and I just assumed it would happen. By 25 I wanted to have 3 children and be happy seeing them grow... We can safely say that life never goes as you plan it.

People are always optimistic and say just wait. I mean I have nothing better to do. But, as women get older they're sometimes considered less especially when gentlemen can get younger ladies and without children. Why would someone pick me? (just saying not really asking)
So out of my dreams as a child so far none came true... At 22, I didn't get married. Hey but, I had a child yet I was alone with that whole part of life.
I do admit that going college wasn't ever a part of my plan especially not really knowing what it was. My parents never talked about it since my dad only went up to 6th grade and my mom's parents were too poor to ever send her to school so wasn't part of my ambitions yet I went and graduated. Still, sadly the only one of my siblings to go and I'm the oldest and I had my son as a nice opt out if I wanted to when I was in school but didn't.
 
I use to want a beautiful house well when I was little I thought unrealistically wanted a house with 50 rooms... I was even designing it and everything... oh foolish child. You see we grew up in a one bedroom house

(not the actual house we grew up in but was a tiny house)
In this one bedroom... when we were little it was my parents and my sister and I ... and then like 5 people living in the living room. Then when my mom had my bros of course we made the living room in another room so my parents slept there and we all 4 kids and my grandmother and sometimes some aunts slept in the bedroom.
Growing up like that I had big dreams... Now even though a bit short handed from my childhood dream it will still be hard to obtain a house which I would like. It's a dream and probably wont happen but if I even in my late life can get it to happen I would be happy...

yes, very beautiful house isn't it?
I do kind of dream big at times... I'm a big dreamer but it's because I've seen what it is to struggle and I want more not just for me but something to give to my kids and or to dream big and be hopeful. Not that materialistic life  is the way to go but sure helps a better living of course with a lot of love.
I've never been too picky when it comes to cars but

My first car (baby blue)

My second car or van (no ac but it got to me college and gave friends many rides, good times)

This is my current car which I got a month after my son was born. I haven't had much access to it for like over 2.5 years because I let my dad borrow it when he lost his truck...
Right now I'm hoping once I start working I'll be able to get a 4 door car since my little tercel is a 2 door (maybe another toyota or a honda, unsure) ... And then I want a car I've wanted my whole life.... I know you'll think it's overrated but when it's something I've wanted, if I'm lucky I might one day make it happen.


I know as far as life comes I will still dream. A dreamer, I've been my whole life with a realistic/pessimistic twist to it... but nonetheless there is hope ...
Sure regardless of what I said above the hope is one day I will find a person in which we can compliment each other in life and our future as in goals and family. When that happens, that's when everything else will be discussed or fall in place... I will not dream the same as I did so naively when I was a little girl... but if I can have more family sure (the number tbd -to be discussed-), marriage (tbd), anything religious (tbd mainly on the children, because I'm sure the issue would not be with us), and everything else (tbd)
In this last month I've been praying a lot... I know some of you think it's pointless and others will be glad... But, that's not the point of what you feel... it's what I'm suppose to feel and where it gets me. There is so much to ponder... right now, there is so much to think about life, so much to gain and so much to learn...
I think I'm finally in a position where I can start setting realistic goals in life and slowly obtaining what I want... I put my life on pause for 4 years plus and for good reasons... I can't go back in time or change what has happened but I'm actually glad it happened as it did... I've learned a lot especially patience and love for many people and I've even learned to love and accept my self something that has taking me 26 years to do. And even though I finally know who I am, it makes me sad that people prefer me to pretend than be who I am so I have pushed people away because they thought my life was too complicated and thought I couldn't put my life together but that wasn't it at all... I was need in a different place with different responsibilities,When people don't understand that, they truly weren't meant to be apart of my life.
I've learned a lot about people and friendship, love and dislike, family and unity, understanding and misguidance, right and wrong, religion, acceptance, and unconditional love... 

Here's me thinking of the perfect way to write what I need to do to get what I want in life and include you in it if you want... and if you don't, life will never end it just gives room for more changes and hope for better. 
I'm a dreamer and although I clash with dash of realism and pessimism I love all those (you) in my life.

ramblings

It sucks... I slept all day yesterday which was good even though it was monday, at least I didn't have to worry about school activities with Danny. There must be something going around but this weird headaches, I'm partially deaf because I guess I have ear infections, my throat hurts but I've been taking echinacea (which I ran out) but at least I can swallow now, my body  hurts, my stomach hurts, and I have cold sweats... It sucks... It weird because I get sick but each time is different. I don't think I've been like this in years... I've been sleeping all day today just woke up a little ago. But, I mean I woke up this morning too, to make Danny breakfast, have him shower and take him to school then I knocked out again. Last night I couldn't sleep... well I did sleep but my dreams are so actively vivid that I would wake up turn and then fall back into a dream. These last couple of nights they sure have been realistic...  The night before I was in some sort of dream where FBI was trying to catch this bad guy and I was playing a small role in their set-up but even in the dream it felt like deja vu. And I'm sure more dreams... Oh and the guy got away ... but in the dream within that dream or memory which was the deja vu the guy didn't get away. I guess I remember thinking that I enjoyed doing that and I wanted to go into that field.
Last night, was a bit different. I know Danny and I was were in this one together. I don't quite remember location but it was a deserted place (I think) some people came and invaded and they took most people captive I had told Danny to hide under some tree and stay there... I was going out to look out what was going out... and they were sending people out to find more people... So I was returning to where I told Danny to stay and there was this asian tall, long hair woman who has discreetly found him, I saw her ill intentions but someone else saw her too another female and killed her... I got there to danny who was unaware of what was about to happen and we took off running.... She was guiding us. I remember as we were crossing a section they were able to briefly see us and we disappeared into a dry tall grass but they sent people after us, I don't know what happened after that but we were running for our lives...  Fun dreams...
I woke up, Returned a call to the district to see what I have to do for my  Activity Supervisor Clearance Certificate.
Right now until I get an email back from CA I don't know whether I have to do another live scan or if it's in the system. I'm hoping I don't have to but we'll see... I need to get this sorted out so I do get paid this year. *Sigh*

Sunday in Laughlin with fam

Yesterday after mass my dad decided to randomly suggest we leave for the day... I was a little reluctant. He had actually wanted to leave since saturday. So we got home and instead of deciding to make food we asked if he  was serious and whether he was or not we all got ready and we woke up my brother and all left. Sure there was a little tension at first but once we got out there we relaxed... tthe parents disappeared and since kids aren't really allowed inside much my bro, Danny and I went for a walk ...
My brother and son want to go back but want more family to go so we're going to try and make a family event out of it so w3e can go swimming in the river and spend the day or 2 there and relax. Danny still wants to go back.

My brother being silly and pointing the way out

There you see my Dad, my Mom, and Danny

A small wave from the Colorado River hit us a little higher and Danny screamed


Getting comfortable with the water



First time he liked the water... yay running around!

My mom and my brother

Danny and my bro actually got all the way in. (I was shocked Danny loved the water)

brother just cooling down on a hot hot day

This was the casino we went to, view from the river

We went on a boat ride

It felt great

Random people



=D


4 Marine helicopters about to land 

Hopefully we get to go back soon. I spend my last hour and a half there inside learning how to play roulette. I think I got pretty good at it but the smoke or smokers was getting to my throat. I guess I've been getting sick for a while and it finally hit me real hard. Oh well, some much needed bed time, extra sleeping, but hate the ear infections and sleeping all day thing...
But, it was worth is and loved sunday!

What is love?

What is love?

A tiny noose hangs from mirror

I took my mom to the bank today. And where we live in the high desert we're a really distributed minority. Actually you rarely see hispanic people. Probably the only place you will see Hispanic people is the Spanish mass they hold on Sundays. And I don't know if it's my imagination or if I read too much into it but there is always a teacher that greets all the kids when they're dropped off... I see her say hello to all the kids ... well with exception of my son. My son doesn't really look hispanic most people confuse him for being mixed (or I don't know if they still do but they did) but he's Hispanic (I think, fully, I think haha). And Every morning I see her and she greets all other kids but she never says a word to my son. It's not that I'm going to make her, it's not the point but it makes me wonder why she skips him... maybe it's because he's small and his mission is going straight to class and wont acknowledge her. But, then again to other kids who aren't looking she'll greet them and even say hello to the parents in the car. I don't have a a great car but it's nicer than some other's but that's not the point she never greets me either. I guess the wonder just comes to my mind.
I do have to say though when I went to the University I went to one which was predominantly white, all the people were great and I never felt like an outsider or the need to join a Latino group or a minority group, I did what I could to fit but I did see a lot of friends struggle instead of adapting which always made me sad. I know what it feels like being the only mexican and female in a crowd of 100+ , having my personality I will say I felt a little rather odd especially when I feel I don't fit but I make the best of the situation but school gave me comfort and security. Now where I live now, it's hardly liberal... very very conservative. I actually feel awkward at times even when I go grocery shopping... it can be my imagination... or is it? I guess it's a time when I'm finally happy we're moving back to what I know has been home since June 1998. Don't get me wrong... I love it here, the beauty of the high desert, the wind, the cold evenings, the fresh air, the view of the mountains, the long drive down. I love the house we have here,the space... But, the eyes of people staring... or am I going crazy... but I've lived here for like year and a half and those staring eyes should have ideally stopped but nope. Maybe I'm paranoid...
Anyways enough of my tangent so I took my mom to the bank. And while I was there my son started crying because he was hungry. He had just gotten out of school. I was just looking back to talk to him and reassure them that it was a quick stop so a white car pulls up next to me and parks. I did a double take when I saw this man... he was wearing this bandanna ↓

I was curious so I think I kept somewhat looking while still trying to calm my son. I think he felt my brief stares... lol  but what's not to look at especially when you notice what he's wearing on his head. I think he had a bad day because he looked rather upset. So I know he looked my way a few times... And then he went into the bank...
I get bored to I just look around and play with my phone. But, since I can't do much with my phone (only in that area- poor service) I just look distracted. So, I look into cars ...

So I was looking into this guy's car who just happened to go into the bank and since he was already wearing a bandanna with many confederate flags... I just stopped thinking about it... out of sight, out of mind until I see what he had hanging from his front mirror. It's a little noose... I don't know and I didn't want to jump into conclusions but I found it oddly funny. (oh yea, and that's the picture of his car, I took... it was too good to pass up of a pic. I almost took a pic of him as he was sitting but I thought that would be too obvious)
I can't assume anything (even though you know what I'm inferring , I think) but what would you think... *shrug*

Water taxi to Alexandria (pics)

This is what the water taxi looked like. My mom and I were lucky that it was paid round trip for us twice. =D It sure saved us $64 together.




Sunset ... loved it!!



this is actually the glare from the moon on the water but my phone didn't give it justice.
 
My mom and I on Saturday our last night out there and in the Water Taxi ... We were on our way to dinner.