Oh Fortuna!

Oh Fortuna- Carmina Burana by Carl Orff.... Simply Amazing!!! Very powerful!

O Fortuna velut luna statu variabilis, semper crescis aut decrescis; vita detestabilis nunc obdurat et tunc curat ludo mentis aciem, egestatem, potestatem dissolvit ut glaciem. Sors immanis et inanis, rota tu volubilis, status malus, vana salus semper dissolubilis, obumbrata et velata michi quoque niteris; nunc per ludum dorsum nudum fero tui sceleris. Sors salutis et virtutis michi nunc contraria, est affectus et defectus semper in angaria. Hac in hora sine mora corde pulsum tangite; quod per sortem sternit fortem, mecum omnes plangite!

O Fortune, like the moon you are changeable, always waxing or waning; hateful life first oppresses and then soothes as fancy takes it; poverty and power it melts them like ice. Fate – monstrous and empty, you whirling wheel, stand malevolent, well-being is vain and always fades to nothing, shadowed and veiled you plague me too; now through trickery, I bring my bare back to your villainy. Fate, in health and in virtue, is against me, driven on and weighted down, always enslaved. So at this hour without delay pluck the vibrating string; since Fate strikes down the strong man, everyone weep with me![3]

and there will always be a lil rain... :(

She always mentions to me as being a single mother, like if I'm not worth anything, like because I have a son I will never be wanted, like if somebody wants me then I'll be lucky.
I mean why would she say that? *sigh* She's always pushing me about finding someone but when Danny was younger she was completely against it.
I was happy now  I'm trying to think happy thoughts but ...
I don't I'm suppose to ignore stuff like that but it hurts more when it's your mom, you know? I don't cry especially not infront of her but I just couldn't hold my tears. And even then, I don't think she got that I was upset. Then again she didn't face me.
Anyways, At least someone thinks I can be amazing...

You are amazing

Last night I was completely exhausted very early, I was not feeling well at all and I wont give details to symptoms to not alarm but anyways... I went to bed. I woke up multiple times... But some were not by choice but still... I woke up at some 1am (somewhere in there) and I felt I had slept for hours I looked at my clock and it has only been a couple hours, I had fallen asleep early (I'm a night person so the fact that I would wake up when it's still early, was enough to make me feel a little discomfort)   because I felt odd but then I hear my son call out my name. He had had a nightmare so he came crawling into bed with me. It was fine and I knocked out again... and then I woke up again a couple hours later and my brain was flooding with thoughts of a certain someone. I must have been dreaming about him or something but just as I was falling asleep again I get this message "You are amazing!" and it was from none other than my dream guy, lol. That absolutely made my night all that better and well you can imagine how I feel right now flooded with happiness. So soonly after I fell asleep again. And I woke up at 6ish because I don't know why I have an alarm on my phone (and ON -irritable); I could have kept dreaming. When I was awaken by the worst timing of my alarm I had been dreaming of a wedding ring. It was none like I had ever seen before, and completely different than I would ever expect I would have one. (Not that I dream or have a ring in mind, just saying) But then again rings are unique for each different person. I just have to say the ring was beautiful. I had never dreamed of a ring in a dream not that it was recognizable or focused on it actually, so it felt special.
So right now feeding my curiosity of the ring in my dream I looked it up ... so I asked online:
What  does it mean when you see a ring in a dream?
"To see a wedding ring in your dream, represents completeness and eternal love.  If you are not married and find a wedding ring, then it means that your personal relationship has reached a new level."
One only wishes this is true and well frankly that dreams can come true...
(ps.I would have an awesome picture would this but I can't upload pics, lol. My fault for reaching my max uploads so early in the month)

Being a SINGLE MOM and dating!!

Being a single mother doesn't come with the most appealing package when it comes to dating. Hey, don't get me wrong gentlemen (and I reserve my right to call you "gentlemen" because I expect no less) are now coming around to the  fact that there are things you can't change. YOU CAN'T!!!!! But, even though you come in knowing minimal of my situation... they all automatically start thinking about the future... which I understand and it's natural but you prepare yourself to fail before you even give me a chance or the situation the possibility of a chance. I know right now, you can't be a daddy and in fact I'm not asking you to. I'm not asking you to be a replacement for anything or anybody. When you tell me insecurities about not knowing whether you can be a father or not it's fine... but don't make it seem it's because I have a son and you don't know you can be a father... If you can even consider me as an option then take one step at a time. Just because it isn't easy for you, put yourself in my shoes (and sure run away if you like with them on), BUT don't assume what's best for me. I, and only I, know what's best for me. I've been the mother and father for my son's life and guess what? Whether you're in my life or not...I will continue to be that person.

Don't try and sugar coat the shit in life! I know better, I'm no princess. I've been held to a pedestal, dismantled and thrown and treated like the scum you hold in the creases of your shoes... Am I weak because it's been done? NO. I am stronger? Probably not... Can I tolerate more? probably... Do I cry? At times... I am human and a lady after all.
Look, I'll be straight forward. I am not going to BS you, I'm pretty honest when it comes to things. I don't have time to waste and frankly I don't want you to waste mine either. And by wasting I also don't mean, that I'm trying to hook any person. I'm no beggar and I have my right to choose. And frankly, I will not compromise to just anybody because of it. I have more to lose than you  ever would. You have your right to walk away but be honest from the beginning like I was. I very frankly, if it's meant to be single motherhood is no shame and there are women who do it all the time.

(Or maybe I am trying to hook a guy? what?!?!?! Not my mission in life) lol
I will say this one thing. You can't come with your authoritarian male ego and expect me to submit to you  because I've learned to be independent. Hey, if you wanna know...I know how to cook, clean, wash and all that jazz... but since I've been treated I will treat you as my equal. And as I expect someone to disagree with me and tell me the truth, I will be held just as accountable.
So, one very important issue with me is that even though I grew up as a submissive type girl, quiet, timid, sweet, to herself I tend to be a little dominant. I try to give no room to be wrong which we all know is subjective. I grown up being pushed, pulled, in every way and situation. But, one thing I have learned: That if I don't stand my ground, you wont respect me. I am stubborn but because I feel I am right and it's my right. it's my perspective and logic that leads me there. I expect deepdiscussions on issues no assumptions. I think that the issues with couple nowadays is the lack of communication. I will not have something so simple be the problem from my part.
Being a single mom, means I have to tend to my son's needs and mine... doesn't mean you're going to be less but realize the responsibility i've held and for how long. Once unity is form it's a family of 3...
The most important thing will be communication, understanding, patience, a lot of love...
Don't give up because it just became harder FOR YOU! But, if it did get harder and you can't handle please walk away.
I guess the biggest problem I see with people is that they form an escape route and I don't blame them... I keep my walls up pretty high, personal protection. I will still treat my men like kings as long as I'm treated like a queen. It's fair and equal.
It's no easy road but it's never been with me. You accept or don't try. One more thing when you meet a person, inhale them well because I don't want you to think you can change me when I've come in accepting ALL your flaws and know you're also stubborn and wont change. So, gentlemen, you can't change me... and I wont try to change you.

(This is my family of two)

a scatter thought

I find it so interesting how the mind works...  (My mind?)
So, last night I was so happy, I had gotten a hair cut and yay ... right?! Sure I may look a little tired but it was a real long day, I was exhausted but happy... and I'm quite sure you can kind of tell...
I woke up so excited today, happy and whatnot...but moods are susceptible to change... I had woken up did my eye make-up to later on just add a lil foundation and mineral make-up... I even curled my hair out to give an idea of how my hair it suppose to look like (in my eyes)...
My eyes looked ok,they were actually big  and bright... so fine I went to take the picture... horrid... I erased it... tried again... nothing... they were all trash...
I wonder if I would have done this yesterday I would have been happier with the images...
I looked through them all but the only face I have at the moment can't smile... I think happy thoughts and my heart smiles but I can't.... in fact my eyes tear up instead... I dont' know understand.
I know you're probably thinking that if I'm self aware I can control... sadly I can't. I get lost in the emptiness of thoughts...
When you fall into the dark lil hole it's not easy to see so clearly when all you see is the absence of light.
I really like my bangs though... but I don't get why the pictures aren't coming out... I guess it's my mood that tells me otherwise... Probably someone would tell me i'm crazy and that they all look the same... they don't. A tiny lil difference makes a huge impact in a picture... so if one thing is off, the whole picture is ruined... I guess this is what happens in life too... nothing is in place and you start to fall apart... Sometimes we all like to live a picture perfect life (well, here in xanga actually many know each other's troubles) but the picture perfect life come IRL where people don't know and can only see you at what you try to portray.
I've been asked by people by I spend time online and what I do... Actually recently I carry a lil journal or notepad... I jot down thought. I started writing because it became this outlet. This freedom to expose what  I needed out.
People tell me I should have let go of the internet as a whole for lent... 1. I wouldn't have survived... 2. I would have never met such great people 3. my mind would have been blurred with all my thoughts 4.All those posts and poems... words ... would all die in my mind... 5. I need brain interaction here and there...
The most important thing for me is seeing the thought process oh and I go off on tangents... meh... I'm done! Yea, so back to topic... no go for today... :(

cut my hair

Well it's ready for bed time hair now but I was an hour away from home after going to the doc and had an impulse to get a hair cut so I got it!! =D
I actually kept the length... I layered my hair... I originally had 3 but I think I might have 5 and I added bangs... I like the way my eyes look with my makeup and the bangs. Happy!!

Safe sex, abstinence doesn't work

So a few days ago I was looking a blog by @Saridactyl ... it was actually stand up comedy skit which actually dealt with being pro-abortion rights... (which I'm not for) but the speaker talked about and it  actually was the reasoning behind me writing about this...
I have a scattered brain at times...
 
(Going to be all over the place)
Catholics /pro-life and women and the lack of support … actually I felt like they sort of turn their back on you, well that’s how I felt or like if you don’t belong quite at the same level as everybody else… You’re not married, you’re not single (you’re with kid), your sins are cleared as long as you’re chaste but you can’t be guidance to someone else  (godparent) you’re not a good example… geez I don’t know I think I would be a better example… Don’t have kids!!!!  (not a great example?)

Let me go back a little.
 
Sex can lead to kids if you do it wrong… Well not doing it wrong because you're actually doing it right but unprotected. There are so many kids having kids (or “babies having babies,” like my HS  music director use to tell us) and they truly do not know what they’re getting themselves into. Instead of trying to forcefully claim the “abstinence” rule as adults we need to realize that you were young and you had raging hormones at one point and maybe thinking, -Hey, so “abstinence only” isn’t working, How about we teach them what safe sex is and maybe they’ll be more responsible or at least more knowledgeable. We don’t need the stupid rebuttal that if you teach them about sex they’re going to have sex…Guess what? Kids are already having sex… make them smarter about it…

There are many kids that still value their virginity which is great and they should find their special person and practice, practice, practice… Don’t believe in sex before marriage then don’t do it. Simple! But, it’s not that simple.

 
(But not always, it will make the moment special, just not your first time)

I know when it comes to religion you’re not supposed to do it… sex it bad or intimacy between a couple should be held sacred and what not and possibly only for reproduction. But, it’s more about the love the couple holds for each other than just reproduction. Your intimacy, whether it’s in various forms or sexual intimacy, it is very important for a couple have. Or what do I know …
 
Ok, but here is where Pro-life comes in… Do not have abortions. And you have all these young girls scared of their minds knowing they’re carrying a child and don’t know what to do. The church says keep the child; it’s the right thing to do. Well, firstly common sense now, is sex leads to a high possibility of getting pregnant.  Now, if the church wanted to avoid young girls having that confusion teach something other than abstinence only, it’s ignorant in these times. And girls who are not using protection when they’re having sex are stupid. Even if you bf tell you he doesn’t feel anything because of the “condom,” I don’t know about him but not feeling something as much sure beats a crying baby every night  and sleepless nights as a teenager. And, still having to go to school…

What do I know… yea I wasn’t pregnant in high school I can’t imagine how hard it is.

 
When I was young I never really heard anything about sex. I frankly didn’t know where kids came from, I was naïve and completely ignorant and stupid. All I remember being told was “Don’t let anybody touch your private parts” and later on I heard sex was shameful before marriage. I was 17 and had a bf who I loved dearly and it was too late. I did think he was going to be my one and only at one point, and that’s another thing we young girls don’t think about too much. Our high school sweetheart is rarely the one we will actually marry but it’s a sweet thought and fantasy. It gets to a point where teens don’t understand those definitions of sex (well maybe I didn’t back then which was still only 9 yrs ago when I was 17) or the church isn’t doing enough to provide education for kids to understand sex (which should be parents responsibility as well but since the church guides them too, they’re not going to talk about)… When you feel an urge you go with it. Especially young men, they get a stronger urge (not saying girls don’t) but that build a curiosity in girls. (Hence why I want boys only and no girls) and not to mention the emotional attachment that gets embedded into a girl, hormonal and (if religious) a religious responsibility to now want to keep this person for yourself forever.

I wasn’t in high school pregnant.  I actually found out I was pregnant at the end of my sophomore year in college. I don’t know about you… Class material and responsibilities are much harder in college than in any high school. And I had my son mid semester of my junior year... you know perfect timing, a few days before finals.. Yay! And, 4weeks before my 21st.  I had 4 weeks off after his birth and 2nd semester started so I went right back to my University and had to fight over some classes and took some over... Sometimes I went with child to take him to appointments.   I think it would have been easier in high school (certain things would) but that’s not the point. You’re giving up your life and potential messing the life up of a little innocent child. I don’t believe in abortion, I felt I had made a choice and my choice came with the responsibilities which obviously led to a child.
 
(Being pregnant so young isn't a game or fun, it's life changing in fact I think all kids.. boys and girls should take a health class that makes them handle a fake baby...it will annoy you i'm sure and it will be easier than the real baby)
In my situation: Here was the thing I was completely alone.  I had no one to turn to and I felt alone. My parents didn't come into the picture (I was working 2 jobs over summer and didn't notice my pregnancy) until I told him a couple weeks before I was suppose to return to school. I had a plan in case they kicked me out. I was scared and 5 months pregnant. There is a lot of emotional support women need when they’re pregnant. And the need comes in various forms… young girls are not ready and it should be a mature and conscious choice, not a surprise.

In January, I called the church I attend because I had been asked to be the Godmother of a child. And I was asked when she has just found out she was pregnant. And I was turned down. They said that I couldn’t do it. I would be a witness but I was chosen to sponsor this baby and they asked if I was married and I said no. I told them I had a child. So they asked if lived with my son’s father and I said no… I told them I was a single mother with child… so the lady said that
Since I was not married and I was not single “single”, I had a child I couldn’t do it. It felt like a total slap in the face from the church. If felt like they were giving me a statement… -well it’s not ok for an abortion but if you had one, we wouldn’t know therefore we couldn’t restrict you from holding special roles- instead of saying well you’re a member of our community and we’re pro-life, we know you’re a single mom and we would give you special classes to show you what it takes to hold this responsibility for this child that will need you in the future as guidance.

But, since you went through with having a child, we know you have a child and good for you but you’re no good in our books, you sinner…you have a child and you’re not married… therefore you’re not worthy… That’s exactly how I felt.

Well, I'm against abortion but I don't think it's completely about all abortion, for me personally I rather people be responsible and use safe sex than use abortion as a type of birth control. Don’t get me wrong I will never want the government to try and take away the choice from women but Women need to be more responsible about sex. I wouldn't have an abortion myself.
 
The issue that comes with pro-life is that they are for all the rights for the fetus, the little baby in the womb which is great. But, what happens to us single mothers after the babies are born. We have not where to turn. That is no longer an issue for them. They just advocate for children being born. A program should definitely be in place for so many single mothers to help them cope through the issues. There are so many things you go through and suddenly you feel every door has been closed and slammed in your face. It’s not fair especially for very young women…
This is why safe sex is important in so many levels.
Let the light bulb turn on....

If you don't want to get pregnant and your bf doesn't want a child and neither do you and he refuses to be safe ...
Be SMART!!!!