Something on my mind.

I was just thinking earlier about how in my life I always seemed to have more dominant people who love to voice their opinion. And while I was always there they always thought that by the way I thought I automatically had something wrong. I know I’ve always been considered a little different but I don’t quite understand why to this day. I accept it because I can’t be any different than how I am and I know I can’t change  or be normal.  I mean that’s all based on societal norms so who is to really say that what anybody says it actually accurate? So I’m a little vain sometimes…But who isn't? If we don't love ourselves as ugly as we are who will? Honestly no one will... people are cruel.  But I also know I’m not the prettiest girl or the thinnest because I’ve never been.  I don’t care about tips on this thank you. I don’t need help. The issue that always use to matter was not what people ever thought about me because I know you all always have opinions and frankly I could careless about them… If I cared about your opinion I would rather give you a knife and just have you tear out my heart while alive because that’s how it always felt. People tearing my heart out and leaving me with a gaping hole. People don’t try and help people unless it’s for their own benefit in one way or another.  I learned to think different than the norms because sometimes you can’t quite survive with just living a typical life, happy parents, great siblings, money, all the essentials to be ok… Not everyone is fortunate. And in a way I guess that’s what makes people unique, the background and how strong you are and what your world and life has gained from so much perspective. I’d say I’m very fortunate. I’ve gain a lot of insight on many things in life. But, in no way is that a unfortunate, hardships perhaps but who doesn't learn true happiness from nothingness. I am not victim and anything that happens in life, we either learn to live with it or die in our sorrow. Many people are death in living. I know I've been there. It took me a long time to figure it out. I know for some it’s a lot easier to comprehend and possibly having a spectator outlook just gives you more insight because when you’re going through something that you, yourself, find difficult you just feel so  alone in the world and feel that hardly anyone even understands you. Sometimes you just need a shoulder to cry and that’s when you find out how great of a friend you are because many times you will just find yourself alone in a dark room wishing you were dead instead. 

In no way or form do I want you to think or feel that I am sad or depressed , 2013 d. I am not. I'm just thinking in writing. I read a book. Yay! I am very happy, it had been a long long time... It's happens to be one of my favorite persons in the world @Cucumber_melonhead and the book was The Perks of Being a Wallflower ... At first I didn't know what I was going to think but then again you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. I'm not really going to give a summery of the book but the book keeps you engaged with that's going on through the eyes of main Character Charlie... He has had a lot of problems in his life and in many way those who have gone through hardships in their teens can definitely relate and fall into everything he is talking about, his loneliness, Friends, perhaps the peer pressures, the loss of friends and family...
After I read the book. I felt like the whole story was going through my head. And I felt a bit sad but not sad as in depressed but more like a nostalgic feel in which I look back into how much my life has changed and everything that I've grown with all the things that have happened in my life. It's these types of circumstances that make us who we are and we will always have paths to choose from. We can choose the good or the bad and they will both take us in different directions. At the moment it may not feel like there is choice and we make wrong decisions but looking but you notice how different things could have been but at the same time. You are who you are for a reason.

Update:

Well what can I say. I still do not have internet at home and I hardly go out to get any so it makes it hard to update this as much as I would want. So many great ideas to write and out the window they go many times. *sigh*

Still no job but slowly working on it. So I'm working on trying to get  my lesson's going. I go an give sectionals every other week and the off week I teach lessons so for those I do get paid. It's a sacrifice at times but it's worth it. I got one day with a few students and if all goes well I might add another day to get a few more students and expand their mind. My goal that I promised when I joined my Sorority in College "To bring music into the world" is slowly happening by the students I teach. God has been good. Good things come to those who wait and I'm truly happy. I feel relaxed while slowly applying for what ever I can online. It's hard though because on my limit and how much I can get done in the little time. But slow and steady wins the race and I guess I'm the turtle but that's the good part. I will eventually get there and I will be more happy.
I have the most supportive boyfriend in the world and I'm blessed. I know times are tough for all but he always manages to come and see me and keep me looking forward rather than falling back and not wanting to get up. And God knows he's heard me really down. I was depressed a few nights here and there... and I hate myself because of it, not because I hate myself but because I bring everybody down. I just want some of those thoughts to go away and stop haunting me here and there. I am happy and I don't want those to be obstacles.
My son is great he's going to school and I make sure he does all his homework. We joined this reading club that starts in the first week of October. And life is great. Breathing and taking one day at a time makes everything wonderful.
Just pray for me, send good vibes, or just think positive thoughts or *cross your fingers* for me. I slowly want to start saving money. I know it's positive even with nothing, something is always something...
I've started a payment plan to pay off a credit card debt from so many years... Even with a lil money I get it's hard not to say I can try so I am trying. I want to make everything better. I know  if anyone was in my shoes they'd know the kind of pressure I'm in but I'm relax despite the fact. I want work so they can garnish my wages and I can pay off my school loans... those are my biggest nightmares besides the ones where I'vve recently been having in which I die a terrible death and the sadness of leaving all those I love.
Anyways, that was gloomy... yeah. Life is great. Life is great. =D
Well that's it for now. I will beback eventually I promise!

and we continue moving on

Sometimes I feel a little bad that I, so easily, am able to move on especially after expressing my feelings and having some intimate moments with these guys,mainly one and the other just left me hanging without warning... so with that it was the last straw. But, like many friends have told me not dwell and move on from the situations. I sure was feeling a little anxiety a few days ago but it's I guess learning experience to cope with different situations. And in the past when I told another friend I had feelings it took quite a while for us to get over it and the friendship to be normal but it came back to the same...and we had a couple interesting experiences... Anyways... it took a while to get over that. But, I guess I am learning how to deal with things in a sense better. And I can't deny that it helps that so far there has been someone there ... lol...

I guess I am an adult now and I need to learn to get over things... it's not going to do me any good holding on things that don't exist... it just complicates things.. I am slowly starting to realize how guys are... it's natural... this is the type of stuff I should have been figuring out during the time I was pregnant but life always has it's plans... i guess this was the time... I guess it's good that I am a little more mature and smarter... and well I am starting to enjoy the attention... and flirting is so fun!! I've never had so much fun just talking to people... it's exciting a thrill and it keeps a smile on my face... and other times I am just angry and frustrated... but they have helped me find some type of a temporary out... so much that I am always texting and and smiling or laughing that my mom and aunt are wondering  why I am always so happy when I am texting... Obviously, sometimes I feel like I am a part pathological liar bc I automatically lie  . Sometimes they all ask me the simplest questions in which I don't have to lie and there is comes out before I had time to think... oops... oh well... it's not like I am going to say... oh just kidding this is the truth... I would bury my self deep...

Anyways, so this guy so far is a bit different than all the other ones... I don't quite know what it is yet. But, so far we have an easy way of reading in a sense. Although, he does have a small record for a mistake which he told me about... but I don't care... shit happens... And sometimes you just deal with what ever punishment they give you... But, strangely even though he told me that I didn't get a red flag flashing... I usually try and make up something in my mind or convince my self of a scenario so I just forget about it all... And I don't consider them jerks... I still let  them talk to me I don't care but everything has changed in my mind and they have been blocked out... so I guess like we should all do ... is get to know the person better. It's kind of cute though when he talks to me on the phone... he gets a little nervous and well I do too... i've gotten so attached to texting... lol... but like he said somethings are better said than  texted... and I agree! It was funny bc like 2 days ago after we have been talking for a good long days he asks me what my sign is... and I laugh and asked him is he was really going to go there... and he said yes bc he has a suspicion ... So I had him do a lil math to make him figure it out... my b-day is 7 days before than his but he is a year minus 7 days from his... lol. And he said he figured...He said we were too similar to be any different... Except he's an extrovert and I'm an introvert... lol! I'll stop there... if I keep writing good things about him... I'll bring my hopes up and like in the past it goes no where... I'll see what unfolds... And I guess I can write of what happens... idk what else can I do... I ask God and he send people my way to help with the way I am... I asked him if he was religious... he said no but he believed in God which is more than I can for some people. So he asked about me and well of course I told him I was a semi practicing Roman Catholic bc I don't take communion... And he said that he had been baptized and has done his communion... lol...I don't know but that to me it gives me hope but I am not saying I am taking him... lol it all depends in what ever happens. So yea... I don't push religion but I expect those respect it... My religious views and political views make me who I am and fit my personality perfect with a few exceptions... obviously.  I don't expect people to change for me and I don't expect to change for people... that's as easy and simple as I am going to make it. We'll learn how we deal if we can handle each other... To him, I haven't had to lie ... to sometimes thinks some things I correct him... and he thinks I am a brat! Which is funny bc nobody has ever called me a brat... but he likes it... Yesterday he called me "his wild fire" it was funny... and idk I liked it... like we agreed we'll see...

Well the school started to many. Encouraging my son to go to school continues. I hope there are no struggles like last year but here we are on what today was the 2nd day of school and he didn't want to go to school because the teacher told him to work on his sentences on the first day of school. He really dislikes that he has to do work. *sigh* My mom was really pushing for me to go to Phoenix, Az But I truly know that last year I made an effort to go to Washington DC but this year I think I need to be here with my son. Well if it was only on the weekend then I'd  go but she leaves wednesday and I have a feeling he will start doing homework. Those are never fun. With all this small things happening the school year has started for the high school as well so here I go trying to sell myself so I can have more students. My dream goal would be to teach lessons in the whole city but I suppose it cost money to make money and it's not the other way around. *sad face* ... For now I had to look up a place to take the TB test because otherwise I wont be eligible to be an employee of the District. SO many requirements that cost ... *sigh* thankfully the district had a list of where I can go for more economical and there is one in the high desert where I live. I set up an appointment. The earliest is in 2 weeks but that will work. I hope meanwhile everything remains ok with the district.
Just thoughts right now... See everything we do always require money. I'm thinking I'm going to look into the apple valley unified school district. I hope there are opening in anything even if it's just part time. I'm sure bilingual anything in a city that has quite a bit of Hispanics and no one that speaks Spanish. I've seen how they translate some of their papers in the school. Horrible!!! But, *cross your fingers*
I mean it does worry me the impact that it will have on my son but I guess I will have to multitask and he will have to get use to the fact that I just can't be there. There are so many things that need to be paid but and I know I should start helping out more. My parents were discussing moving to Minnesota but decided to stay for the time being and find a home around the area. I guess they feel they want me to some day get married (if I ever do) and then they'll be free of me and they'll be able to do whatever. I guess they feel that if they left now, they'd be leaving me alone. Maybe they just see me like a child. I don't know but it's their choice.
So that's that. On my mind is trying to figure out what I have to do. I guess if they did leave the trying to work issue would be more complicated because who would watch Danny until he gets out. Sometimes I kill myself with stress but try not to think about it. If that happened I'm sure I wouldn't know what to do until the solution presented itself. So much thinking to be done. I think the thing that overwhelmed the most right now thinking about getting a job is that I think Danny will think I'm not looking out for him and not talk. He already doesn't say much about school. Yesterday it seemed like he had a good first day but this morning he wasn't happy about yesterday anymore. I don't get it. It stresses me out every morning but for the first time I set up a  sleeping curfew for him and I'm waking him up at 7:30 so I can handle all discussions or chasing him to go to school. It's easy right now because it's the first week of school.
Once  homework starts it's going to be time management like last year. I had to designate homework time with my couple days I would work and even then it was tough. No one else at home knows how or has the patience to help... I try to be positive and I'm sure I can do it. But, he's the one who will need the most adapting. I guess no matter what, I'm the one who puts up with him the most and no not many people have that much patience and trust me I don't have the best of patience but I try some, it's my and only my responsibility. I can't really depends on others ton do what I have to, you know?
I've been so emotional in the last couple of weeks. So much, anything makes me cry. I dropped my son off at school and I teared up. Any little thing makes me cry. Teasing... I don't know how to explain it. I think I've maybe cried like every other day. Take how emotional we can get. I try and not show it or wait it off because even if I can clear my yes, my red nose sure gives it away. I know I'm not crying because my feelings are hurt or because of anything specific but it sure triggers and makes me  feel like it is. I need to cry it out or just figure it out. It makes me feel weak and stupid and vulnerable. I definitely hate those. I am not meant to cry over any stupid thing. But, right now being selfish, indifference by others just hurts my feelings. Many things I understand but my emotions don't and I have no control at the moment. It's stupid I know. And I know this is long but I needed to get this out of me.
Ok, so that's enough writing of nothing for the day.

Meeting cool Xangans! @Nerdyveggiegirl @Sasgal oh & @GodlessLiberal

In the last few weeks I've had the great pleasure to meet some wonder xangans. I didn't think that in my long time in xanga time I would actually start meeting new people in my life well with the lovely company of my boyfriend @Cucumber_melonhead
For the longest time I was not involved in the community because of my shyness or anti-socialness .... I've always been a little awkward and/or have a hard time with people. But, Slowly being in the internet and interacting with more people I started breaking out of my shell. I do admit, not a lot but enough to be ok with people.
The first Xanga I met was Johnson @Cucumber_melonhead  "I Met a xangan" and soon after we as a couple wemet @RighteousBruin, who was a wonderful person

And as time goes I think we're forming friendships and trust. 
We met @Nerdyveggiegirl on July 1st, 2012 and she is amazing. Very lovely, lively, and an awesome mom amongst other things . I know why krisko loves her so much. She was coming home with her daughter from Vegas and she knew I lived somewhere on the way home so she stopped by my house. We got to chit chat while the her daughter and my son played in the room. I learned kids will event stuff to play with with what they got... oh creative minds... and the fun part was while we talked Johnson made us a delicious dinner. More company made it that much better.

Myself, and *M*

The ladies with the awesome Chef!! =D 

My son and *M*'s daughter 

Johnson with 2 very beautiful ladies! 

So, We met @SasGal on July 11, 2012 ... She was traveling down and she was going to be in LA. She wanted to meet and we had a tight schedule because we were leaving to Minnesota on the 12th but we made it work. Unfortunately she came from LA all the way to my house in Apple Valley and I felt so bad because I'm sure it was like a 2 hour drive. My car started acting up that day and over heated and left me stranded for a bit close to home.
She came over and we got to talk and she played with out kitten and it was fun times. The 2nd amazing and fun xangan in the month of July! She stayed a small while but she was heading to San Diego which was quite a drive from where I lived to I understood when she needed to go. It was a true joy to finally meet her and I hope one day Johnson and I can go up to Washington to say hello to her and see the beautiful green up there.

My kitten Milky loved her! 

Myself, Sarah, and Johnson =D 

I didn't get the memo to be goofy... lol

On July 16, 2012 the last day before our adventure was ending in Minnesota Johnson had promised Danny has we would return to Mall of America to go on a few rides on Nickelodeon Universe and we thought it would be the prefect place to Meet Krisko @GodlessLiberal...  Finally got to meet him the 3rd xangan of the month of July!  He was one of the friends I met here on xanga that I have had kept more in touch with even though sadly it wasn't much but it was still more than most. When we started talking we became pretty good friends, I had never had someone help me out so much with the mind of gentlemen as he did. He became a good friend and like a brother type. Not many people have that ability. We hung out for a bit and went on a few rides, talked some while johnson and my son went on a couple of rides and then on a mission for a shirt for my bro. Fun times, indeed. Wish we didn't live so darn far but I enjoyed the time we all had. It was about time.

We see krisko for the first time...whoa! =D

Krisko, and Us! yeah buddy... lol 

The Boy trying to be cool... yea try a lil harder... I mean 

look at these cool guys! ;P

We decided to go on the log chute. My son dictated who was assign with who. 

The perfect pic of the 4 of us, the boys in line! 

=D 

My son and I ... woo hoo!!! 

Krisko and Johnson Weeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol

Getting off was the sad part... Ahh man! =( 

That was part of our day. We also got on another ride, a roller coaster. It was fun! We all screamed... haha as it should happen.

So these are some of our times meeting more of you wonderful xangans... I hope we slowly get to meet more of you! *muah* kiss to you all... well in the cheek because I reserve my lips to my one and only! =D

a-ok

All in all what is there to complain about? Life is good... life is great actually. Sometimes in the mists of all the happiness there is still something within making you feel a little sad. I do not what it is. It has nothing to do with people. My son and I are way better than ever. We're able to communicate a lot more than we ever were. He is starting to understand and listen.
Everybody is taken. My bro O that kept just dating, sexing, or talking to girls finally found a girl who he for the first time in his life brings around.
So for about 9 days my bro R was home after bootcamp and there were 3 couple.... the only ones missing were my sis and her bf. It was nice but very tiring. So many people in the house and I'm still getting use my sister-in-law and nephew living with us. I've never been much of a people person. Sometimes being around people overwhelms me way too much. I haven't felt like I live my in my house unless I'm in my room and of of late I'm spending less and less time in my room so you can imagine, I feel sometimes a bit weird in my own home.
Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me. I'm happy. I'm excited about life. It's just that in my little  down times that I start thinking a little. And I hate thought of thinking. I know how horrible that sounds. Babe, I'm ok, so don't worry.
Oh yea, we got this little kitten. He's white and we're calling him "Milky" he's about 4 weeks and he's so cute and adorable! He wakes me up very early because he's hungry and then goes right back to sleep after eating.
I've been wanting to sleep more and more... lately. Sometimes it feels as if I don't sleep enough and I'm starting to sleep later in the day and it makes me sad I wake up to tired in the mornings. Like I even want to take a nap and start falling asleep and then I feel very very guilty, like I shouldn't or it's not right. I sometimes don't want to do anything. I know I shouldn't be like that. I should be motivated, up and runnin' (perhaps literally) but *sigh* it aint true... the more and more I think ... I think we're going to start taking walks because I'm hating it. Yes, it. I'm seeing myself and the less and less I'm happy with me. Everything else is perfect. But, I see myself and it's not worthy of all  this happiness I have.
oh so excited about going to MN in 2 weeks. My cousin is getting married, it's about time I'd say but it's not like she's that older than I am, only a year and a half. I guess we all take time to find a person. I suppose marriage should be something that you thoroughly think about.

Boot wedding...

My little bro joined the USMC and it's nice. We're all proud of him, he wants to do something with mechanic in aviation. He always wanted to fix something. I guess they would give him more opportunity than any there are out there. He just went back to San Diego today after his 9 day leave after boot camp. It was a nice graduation.

My son looked up to him so much, he said he wanted to become a Marine as well. I guess we'll see what the future really holds. I am not one to stop him from seeing the benefits of life. I mean his biological father went into the Marines as well a few years back and his grandfather was also in the Marines. Life is life and where the winds takes him I will support him wholeheartedly. 

We went to family day on the 14th of June of 3 months. It was nice to him but so hard to recognize him.  The place was very beautiful and peaceful,  relaxing and a bit overwhelming all at once. Not overwhelming because it truly was but because the exhaustion you felt from their energy and yet the relief to finally be able to see familiar faces.

Then there was his actual graduation day which was the next day, June 15th, which happened to be his 20th birthday! =D
 

Their marching ceremony. 

He was happy to see his gf

My parents and my son super uber happy!! 

 

My sis took time off work and here she is giving out lil bro a huge hug! =D

My lil bros turned 20 this day 06-15-12 <3

That saturday we had a welcome home get together with friends and family. I guess they say I got a little too happy (tipsy) that was fun...  I say I'm a happy person already.

Monday we were going to get ready to clean after a couple days of having people over and well my bro R surprises us that he and his gf are getting married. We get ready fast and follow them to the hall of records ... they get hitched...

Man and wife on 06-18-12

Last monday the 25th this lady from the prayer group we go to on fridays came and did a nice prayer for his leaving today. It made me tear up specially when my dad made a prayer and his voiced cracked a bit. Never in my life had I heard my dad's voice crack and shed a tear. But it was truly endearing. Right now my bro is back in San Diego, his wife took him, and he has more training and in a couple of months he's going to be heading out to Florida which is where he'll get his MOS training. I guess his field is a 5 year contract.
Oh and we also found out thursday that he's having another boy. I'm sure my dad was very happy to hear that. But, my dad wasn't happy about how they eloped. oh well.

Many things happening.