Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Week pt 1 :)

I'll try and keep it as brief as possible, sparing some of the details... 
Tony came to try and fix my car poor thing he drove in the rain and auto zone was almost closing....
I bought the pump and he tried going into the car, to find out it was going to be impossible unless there was more tools and there was complications... who builds these cars like this? He started like at 10pm and left at 3am... soaked, cold and extremely tired... Gave him gas $$ at least well it was all he asked for, was willing to give him more. Probably didn't get much sleep either because it was still another hour to drive home...

I started chatting at like 3:30-45 to like 5am or so... I don't remember but I do remember that was when I had set my alarm because I had to get ready. It means I didn't sleep... I put my face on and walked out the door at 6am. It was raining and I had to run errands before 8am. I went to San Bernardino to 2 locations and had 2 more in Fontana but by the time I left SB it was 7:30 and with school traffic and the rain... I was not going to make it. I got down to the I-10 and realize it was fruitless to continue so I inform my mom I wasn't going to deliver the rest. I barely made it to Macy's by like 8:10 in Victoria Gardens to the meeting place. We ended up leaving like at 8:25 or so and we had to be in Agoura Hills by like 10:30. The 5 of us got in and left into our journey... We had a lot of time to kill so you can imagine they did a lot of cheering up and girl talk. I got to really know these girls so much more.  They were really what I needed at the moment. It was nice! We all felt the love in the car and I felt warmth in my heart despite the short of breath and lack of air getting to me... I felt a little off that morning. Well we got out there and made it on time.  There was a lot of traffic on the 210 but since we were 5 girls we took carpool and surprisingly no traffic on the carpool lane. Yay! 

Anyways we were there to surprise Amber and she sure looked happy! And she looked so beautiful! It was an amazing day. Next we let her get ready and we were going to try and try the bridesmaids dresses before we had to be at Dinner at 6pm. We started leaving Agoura Hills and a cop stops me... yea... thanks just with a limiting time what we needed. So I pulled over and he gives me a fix it ticket. He takes him time too... grrr  So with our time more restricting... we knew we wouldn't be able to make it to the fitting in Burbank and back to  Studio City on time for Dinner. So we head right to the Dinner place and we all quickly changed to our Dinner dresses in the Restaurant... got to talk to Chris C a little and felt better. We had time to kill. We were all just waiting at the bar ...  So Amber soon to be Mother-in-law and Amber's dad say I need a drink... lol how did they know... So they order me a girly-fruity drink... a Cosmo... lol... That one was good... after that i was just talking and they insist I need another... so I told them only one more... So the guy at the bar was going to make me the same but I asked for a sunrise and they told him to make it strong... so he made me a double... that was like a shot... so sweet!  I was floating on the clouds... nothing would be able to put me down... lol well at times I felt like I was falling but I got up. Anyways that was a very nice Dinner... all the groomsmen and bridesmaids were there and both families. Very intimate dinner,love it. 
My mom called me and told me to stay with my sis that night so I can finish the errands and then go home. 

After Dinner, we went to the dresses... we left at like 12:30am...oh so tiring evening... thank goodness I wasn't driving bc the sleepiness, the lack of sleep of 40+ hours and the couple drinks... wine at dinner ... yeah.  So we were heading home and guess what?   Yeah, we were stopped a second time... they said we were speeding...  So my friend got a speeding ticket for going 80mph... boo for them... they were in it for us!  So we finally got to where their cars were and we all parted... I was so tired... it was like 1:30 and my sister wasn't answering... I was so tired. I got to her place and I was bbm-ing her and calling her but nothing, I waited for quite a while outside and got really cold... thankfully I had a blanket. So I went to the back seat of the car put one of my small blankets as a pillow and covered myself with the other one. I was so warm and starting to knock out when she calls me. It was like 2:10am... She let me and I fell asleep in some room... I knocked out instantly... I slept so well... I woke up by a phone call from my mom... I was so confused... I didn't know where I was...lol... it was the worst feeling in the world not knowing where you were and why the room was so dark but my sis opens the door and checks to see if I'm awake and I had just picked up the phone call.. it was like 8:30 and my mom was ready for me to run errands... I did..  I'm a good girl! And she calls me again at 11:30 that they were waiting for me to get home... that the car wouldn't run anymore... and they were telling me all this stuff... I was upset by then... I couldn't believe that my poor lil car was immobile and I was being blamed for it... I got in it for a while saying that they should have fixed it when the problem happened and not until the last minute when I tried getting it done. Actions always speak louder than words.  I didn't get home until like 2pm... And then I lost time...lol I think I took a nap... 

Perfect

"Perfect" 

I know we're just like old friends
We just can't pretend
That lovers make amends
We are reasons so unreal
We can't help but feel that something has been lost

But please you know you're just like me
Next time I promise we'll be
Perfect
Perfect
Perfect strangers down the line
Lovers out of time
Memories unwind

So far I still know who you are
But now I wonder who I was...

Angel, you know it's not the end
We'll always be good friends
The letters have been sent on

So please, you always were so free
You'll see, I promise we'll be
Perfect
Perfect strangers when we meet
Strangers on the street
Lovers while we sleep

Perfect
You know this has to be
We always we're so free
We promised that we'd be
Perfect




by Smashing Pumpkins


It's the way it has to be sometimes... We all grow and at the end no matter what a friendship is more perfect in life than anything else. Something so special should never be lost completely. Well at least not in my opinion. I have always been a girl willing to accept the truth and the new circumstances as painful as it can be. We don't always know the curve balls thrown in our lives and the best thing to do is be the perfect person to accept the truth. 

Thursday, October 21, 2010

The begining of the end is the beginning

So is everybody really getting married now. Or they're living somewhat  happily miserable lives but with their loved one... I think I am broken and unfix-able.. am I not meant to be with a good person or am I meant to be single.Will I ever meet a  person like the one I just had... He was something else. Sure he had a few flaws but over look-able in my opinion... I just liked everything he was. I hate talking about this always because I feel lonely. Or I make myself feel desperate. I can't deny the warning signs weren't there. I ignored them and tried to make up excuses... it's not like we ended really badly bc we talked through it. I see  his point of view and he  is right... iin many ways...  I just wished for more like a lil girl with a huge crush or puppy love
See he had tried fixing my car and just couldn't and he left my house at 3am... I think I started talking to him at 3:45 approx not exact... but this was the real convo... 
Me : You sure made me feel a lil like shit tonight.
t: I'm sorry. It is my fault.
m: for what?
m: You didn't do anything... (because this was the reason I was mad to begin with, I wanted to give him a kiss and he said he couldn't so I got mad and walked away)
m: Its just hard sometimes... reading you...
m: It feels like you don't want to me to read you or sometimes know who you are
m: you hide within your mystery and keep me out...
t: There is no mystery.
m: well maybe mystery is wrong word
m: It feels like Im blindfolded...
m: And sometimes I just feel as though you just want me to stay far away
m: You know you can tell me if that's the case...
m: things are tough on everyone... we're all stressed i know...
t: That's why its my fault. I haven't talked to u.
m: But, all I want to know is if there is hope...
t: That's not the case.
m: I know why you haven't talked you're busy... I understand...
t: Hope? For what?
m: Hope as in you and me... in a sense
m: So being busy and stress isn't the case? Then what is?
t: The case is I do care about u. Obviously u seen tonight
m: but...
tony: You already know. But how u handle this will show me if u can respect what we do have or not.
t: And if u don't. I understand as well. U feel hurt.
m: What do you mean I already know...
t: Misled
m: I do feel hurt att times... but that's I actually wanted to talk about it...
m: I don't want to feel misled... especially with everything you told me at the beginning...
m: I've trussted and believed everything you have said...
m: I don't see you as a bad guy but I do always expect the truth...
t: It wasn't a lie or misleading.
t: Everything I have said is me.
m:  But what you're saying is that we're friends
t: I don't see anything devolping more than just a friendship between us.
m: okay I understand that
m: and that's what I wanted to know from you
t: Yes. And I'm sorry if I am hurting u. Truely.
m: no darling it's fine... you didn't hurt me
t: Really?
m: I hurt myself
m: but you didn't
t: Don't beat yourself up about it.
m: it just makes more sense... I am not...
m: don't worry about me... A true friend is someone you can trust... and I've really learned to trust you...
t: I am here for u though. U are one of my friend.
m: But, how far back did you realize this...?
m: thanks darling! It means a lot!
t: L.a. when I realize I want to move back.
m: But why would that stop it from wrking out?
m: Moving back...
t: I told u I wanted to move back. Like when I first started working for universal
m: I know I told you I was stuck... and yea I see how that is a burden... I understand... beside you have barely obtained
m: freedom why loose it
m: Oh I know you said you wanted to move back... I didn't see a problem with that... but I don't see how that was an issue for u and me
m: if that's what you're saying
t: Don't think like that. Burden is a nasty word. And that's not the reason
t : I thought about danny and u.
m: it was the sex... huh
tony: I wouldn't be fair to either one of us 3
m: Please clarify...
m: well ok I know you care about me... and dont see things moving forward bc you want to live in LA...
t : Trust me. I thought very deeply about it.
m: BUt let me ask you something...
m: What do you feel for me?
t  I'm not that type of guy. And u know it! Can't believe u even asked that.
t : Judt a friendship. I know that for sure.
m: I am not telling you to disregard my son
m: or that I would leave him in any way...
m: I don't know what type of guy you're thinking that Iwas thinking
m: I know you think in whole not partial...
m: I can tell the way you are...
t : I wouldn't want to raise my children in the city! That's what I mean!
m: A friendship is good for me... and I hope you read that note I posted up for all of my friend
m: Ok, that's goood to know... Kids don't belong in the city... it's the worse life ever...
t : Note?
m: on facebook
m: it tagged all my close friends
t : Like I said. I put a lot of thoughts about it.
m: yea, I know it's been something that's been on my mind for a long time too...
m: debating... trying to figure things out...
m: confusions...
m: Then for a while just thought it was bc you were so busy
m: but then you justt didn't want to see me... so I started getting the picture but refused for a while
t : We even worry or stress about something if we both know its not going to work out. This way everybody wins and no one loses
m: lol...
m: darling you and I both saw different pictures...
m: on something painted a different picture.
:
m: but you're right... Just as my ex... we're far better friends than we would have been as partners..
m: With him... I trully and I am being honest, I would have killed myself
m: if he were my spouce
m: thank you for  clarifying everything
t : That's sad.but can't cry over spilled milk
m: lol...
m: yea, you're right
m: I am a far better friend... lol
t : I feel much better.  Thank u for being u
m: lol, thanks... and you too!
t : I need some sleep. Text me later.
m:Reyna Flores: I am very good at easing ... smooth transitions
tony::)
m: ok
m: I will, I ned to get ready alreayd
t : Morning. (he put good morning since it was already 5am and I was starting to get ready to start my day and that's how we ended... pretty much how we started saying saying good morning to each to each other)
m: good morning!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

What was your major in college? Do you wish you could have studied something else?

My major is BA in Music... just general but I play the clarinet...

I mean I don't regret it because it's a passion i've had since I was so little but right now a business degree or something environmental sure would have helped more... idk... 

  
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When you were young what did you imagine you'd be doing now or how you'd be living at this point?

Well honestly, let's see... I am 25... when I was young and this is going to truly sound stupid! Well I was young... I never thought about really going to college and I guess I thought I was going to be Married by 22 and have 3 kids by 25 living in a happy home and idk... watching my kids grow up and not worry about that anymore... But I guess it doesn't work that way.

Instead, I graduated college as a single mother with a 1yr and a half kid.... I am 25 not married only one kid, no money and still looking for a job...

I guess illusions surely are better than the reality is sometimes ends up being... But in reality... I am glad I don't have the 3 kids right about now... the living situation would have been a little harder. I guess even though things don't go the way we want them to I am somewhat happy! I have a degree:)

  
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What is the best date you've ever been on?

So far, I would have to say... that ever though every time has been special but I have to say... that one that sticks out in my mind... It would be the time I made Mr. C go with me to a meeting... I know he was miserable there but it was kind of cute seeing his pouty face. he main reason was the language barrier... boo for that! I drove adn then he said he was going to fix a light fuse in the car... so we go to a $1 store and they had none then a Stater Bros. and no and then he decides walmart... so we go and he found it... yay! So he fixed it and then he said he was hungry... so we go out to eat at a red robin and then when he paid we went outside... We were just standing around as he was smoking his cigarrette... and it was funny because it was so awkward... lol... he would look at me and then I would turn... or I would look at him and he would turn... it took like 15 mins there until he finally got the nerve for the kiss.... one of the sweetest nights! It was amazing!

But, its so hard to decide with him... I mean we've gone hiking to Lytle Creek were we explored and hung out and talked... it was so peaceful and amazing!

Or when we when up the Southridge Hills and walked part of southridge...

Or the couple times we've been in the Fontana Nature Center with the Ducks and Geese... And  I gave him a couple of lil gifts... His Fav Cigar and the shot of Patron I promised him from vegas! :)



  
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What do you think is your ideal weight? Are you trying to improve or change anything about yourself?

Ideal weight I have never had it but I sure know that I want it... What am I doing to better myself is better eating smaller portions and more exercise than I have ever done in my life. It is hard but for once in my life I want something different. I want to be happy with me... I want to see myself in the way I want others to see me... I want to love me for me and not expect someone else to love me and myself not be able to tolerate the sight of me in the mirror. Since I was young, I've had a weight problem... and since I was little i've been self conscience... And I never understood what was wrong with me but it wasn't always the eating it later became a disorder when I became depressed at a really young age of like 11-12... I think that if then when I was depressed and learned with the help of people I think I could have been better now. But then nobody talked about those things and I was isolated well they ignored kids issues and hoped we go over our shit but for me it didn't happen. So now after half of my life dealing with all those issues I want to fix them before I get to thirty or before I fuck them up and end up pregnant again... which would suck! So yeah, healthier eating, exercise, positive thinking and trying to think stress free... don't get me wrong I am currently fighting being depressed and I don't know why... but I am trying not to be but I know I am prone since most of my life has been depression but I would like to think it's not true and that I can fight it. I am hoping that once I am happy with me and happily in love (but not depending on someone else for happiness) I might reach my goals of not dealing with depression.

  
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