Ok, the real reason why I was going to write and then couldn't because of give circumstances... for the record this is for my personal record...
Well on tuesday my son's grandmother came to visit. It had been quite a while but I was happy to see her and he was thrilled. She came after work. I didn't see her right away because I was making calls. My dad had misplaced his phone the day before and well we thought it was at the house and then he asked me a question. "Is there any way to check if calls have been made?" Sure enough I logged into their phone account online and found out that the phone has been found and call had been made. So the next thing I did was call all those numbers... and if they didn't answer I would leave a message... I know... what do you say? Well luckily someone picked up and I called to him and he said he had no idea so I left him my name and number so he would call me just in case... and  the funny thing was that he did call me like 10 minutes later... his kid or one of his kid's friend found the phone... I went and got it... so I came back and said hello. She asked if there was any of my rice... unfortunately there wasn't so I made some especially for her. She has always liked it for some reason. *shrug*. So she stayed ate and then it was time for her to go pick up her daughter and she was saying good bye and asked Danny if he wanted to go with her and he said yes. HE never wants to leave  and this time he did so I let him go.

So the time passed and I took a shower and dressed. I was driving down Sierra and well was trying to relax so I opened my windows and took out a cigarette and just leisurely smoking enjoying every puff well I was driving down sierra it was like about to be 9pm and so since I had just gotten out of the shower I was wearing no make-up... just all natural....So there was this white car and then it passed me and some guy just waved at me. So i thought ok... and just smiled... what can I do they passed me ... so then I get ahead and they pull up next me ... well they were intentionally trying...  so the guy was, " hey beautiful! How are you tonight!" So I nod and say pretty good ... he asks "where are you headed?"  so to get him off my back I told him the truth... I am going to go pick up my son... so then he says, "That's good..." So I nod and he asks," Do you have a boyfriend" and well people out make me nervous well actually all people I don't know kind do so I told him "yeah" and he asks me a funny question,"Happily?" So I told him yes... he said alright... have a good night.  They drove off but still tried to maintain a close proximity but then I turned right on Foothill... I was a little flattered... never have I had a conversation with people while driving... and I am more surprised because I was wearing no make-up so it made me feel nice. It was just a small detail that flattered me in a positive way... but that all fell apart when I came home... My parents seem to be doing well... my dad joined a union but there is still no work... times are a little tough but I think we will be ok. If we stick it through we shall prevail. 

Ok, So I finally can write a little. Although I've been wanting to write for some time but haven't had time but stuff i guess... things accumulate and  sometimes they suck. So yesterday I was scolded... yeah not by  my parents... I am too negative, I am to negative and I am too negative. Apparently everything I write in Facebook is negative so now I have to censor what I write. ok I guess... But, the sad thing is that I now feel like screaming... writing 140 characters worth of comments are what keep me going because I do have a lot of negativity within but I am flowing it out... now I feel I am keeping it... and it's not as easy removing it as saying it and telling it go. I know he means well and he wants me to succeed and he sees this potential but it's like havnig my dad see over everything I say and write... I have no life... friends who are negative have no right, no say in me so I should talk to them... and I need to succeed. I feel happy someone cares that much but at the same time I am saddened... Have you ever felt like you have something you have to do or say and it's aching to pop out of your chest but you can't let it out... well that's how I feel. I don't feel like having a facebook or myspace... Instead of having supportive friends, now I am being critised and a little being told what to write... I don't like putting something unless I wanna, unless it's something from... I guess the only things that I will allow are going to be a few things. I know I am a negative person but I have come a long way. When I was being told that everything I put are too personal (which I know) and negative (which I don't think) I felt put down. I thought I was doing better but there it is someone seeing the negative of what I write... not good even to change a life prospective. I am trying I really am... too me the progress I have made even since march it great... I am trying not to be in a depressive mode anymore... sure on a rare ocassion I feel an urge but I am a lot more happier... it's that I am just not understood anymore... or maybe the attention that I want and sometime crave I am not getting. I guess I might be understood  a little more than I thought and being pointed out my negative flaws I have and come a long way is not easy. It's not easy when you have fought depression since the age of 11 and was such a shy person even when I started school at the age 4 that  I couldn't interact with kids... So what if I am still struggling a little but far less than before. I interact wellwith others... although I do catch my self rollingmy eyes a bit more, getting annooyed at people... recently I don't know what is wrong with me...  sometimes I feel like I am faking.
I don't care who reads it... It'smy right to have people read whatever I write. I'm the author... I choose what I say if people don't like it  don't read it or forget about it. They tell me I am going to be judge with what people read... like I dont' know that... I've been judge my whole like and why? Well mainly because I wouldn't say a word. Now, I know people judge me and sure they feel they have a right but I don't care because it's no longer up to them.... it's now up to me. There will always be those who hate and who like us and will have to deal with it... But I am trully tired of hiding... I am tired of it... I am going to be honest.

crazy internet people

ok, so it had been a really long time since I had join a chat room... probably not since college.... them people are weird, lol. Anyways today I was so bored I decided to join one...on my myspace IM and well all I wrote was "I've never been in a chat room" and well all of a sudden 5 people had send me private IMs so I got out of the chat room because I couldn't handle the multitude .... well  a couple died down quick and then there was another who was from Educador... it took a while on convo but also finally died down... the guy talked about business and his schooling so I gave him his money worth... and his last question was if I was single... I wasn't going to lie... lol.

Anyways, so there were 2 others ... very intereting
The first guy, nice at thebeginning.... he called me hun... and he really wanted me to see his webcam... he is white male, 20 skinny... hair cut a 1 I think... really short because prior occupation... marine. He asked me how did he look and I said young... I didnt want to hurt his feelings... I felt bad. And that was when he made his first comment, "I guess I am never good enough"... So I tried to tell him it's not thathe's not good enough and then he proceeds to tell me he was going to be 23 next month... like age really matters...not when it's one year... I have gotten over that. Anyways, I was doing small talk and he asks for my numbers... well as of now I can't make calls on my cell sadly, or receive them.... and then he asks for a home number and hahaha we don't have one... not like I would give it to anybody though. He was always buzzing me... he wanted all the attention... and then I stopped viewing his webcam... becuase he was just stretching...and it was boring... so he got mad because I stopped viewing and asked me why... ( Geez, crazy!)  So I am always trying to find people interesting well to see if they are... so I asked if he went to school (no) and he says he just got out and well I wanted to know from what and that was when he said he was a Marine... and he was stationed in Iraq... so I was trying to get him to talk but he only did small talk and would  get mad if I wouldn't say anything.... and then he starts to say, "I wish you were here" so I tell him I don't meet people from online...so he says he wasted his time, he's noto good enough... and I am like WTF... he says he's a fool and I teasingly well being a bitch I tell hiim, "is that what they teach you in the marines" and he just says, "You don't wanna know"
...
So I am going to post a little of just the ending of the convo...  sometimes i feel I can't convey what they person is trying to say unless we know what they wrote. This is really where I become comfused and I didn't know what to you anymore... I was a little shocked and appalled....

Him: please give me a chance

Me: for what?

him: to met

Just finished watching "He's just not that into you" for the second time ... lol and I this time it actually made me cry... hahaha  ... chick flicks... I feel lonelier than ever now ... I guess its' the thing we do... can you believe it... All those stupid girls in those movies always end up with somebody... and my whole life all I wanted the perfect person... had one once... who turned out not so prince charming ... and here I am still waiting and dreaming... and the thing is that I do make my self more available ....  I don't want to wait anymore... what can I do to make something happen? Well what can I do to meet people? People who might be interested in me but not only that... people who I will be intersted in as well.... This whole thing has always been such a hard concept for me! People like me and then I let time pass... I Am very undecisive... when I finally decide it's too late... People are always trying to make me a booty call...  I don't think that's fair... is that the vibe I give out...not good enough for a relationship but ok... to f**k... I don't know...Is it because people see I am a single mom and expect me to be easy, is that it? I don't get it...some one who gets itplease explain...

*sigh*

NO way out...

Sometimes I wonder and wonder and wonder... What if this ... what if that... If something wouldn't have happened like 4 years ago... I know I wouldn't have such a precious baby... but you know what I would have ... I would have freedom.... I would be out of here... I would have never came back... I would just have disappeared... I know the only reason I had to be back is because the school wouldn't allow me to be there living on campus... The day I went back the crap started at home... So then I was pressured into regardless of what I felt to go live on campus but I said no and continued to suffer... that was the beginning of the end... and I knew it...the criticism... the pain... not only for me but for my child...  I would still have some connections but I would have no bind... I would be traveling with friends... and visiting family... I would have never stopped working and the money flow would have been better... I wouldn't be here struggling doing everything "mother" says.... I now take her to every meeting she wants, I take sometimes twice a day and to buy stuff.... I have to do it all... now let's say that I am tired... well then I am an ingrate and NEVER help her... I am a mother fucking slave at my house.... I am a fucking INGRATE...  Yeah, that I am... now she tells me you should go work at McD's... yeah the fuck right... she wants me to bring income because my dad wont get her any... because my sis works and she wont give her any... the logic is... Take and take and take and use and ask... and then I tell her ... I am going to teach you to drive... oh I can't... I just want her to be self sufficient so I can do my own fucking crap... I am trapped with no way out... it's all my fault...  I have some cuts ... well not more like old scars.... and my son's dad once said you're crazy... you have suicidal tenancies... you just want attention... I don't think I just want or crave attention... I need it... I don't have any... I am alone... I feel trapped within these walls... with no escape... I am like a fucking stupid bird...they let me out of the cage for a little and I always fucking seem to come back... why? I should just go out and make my life... but with no jobs in the market... I am a stupid statistic... A  Mexican single mother with a useless college degree... she doesnt work, she doesn't even enjoy life, doesn't go out, doesn't spent time with friends, much less can't even go out for a drink... I just need to get drunk and stay out ... I just need some freedoms... and why don't I have anything...Why? WHY? 

licorice or lipstick

Thursday I receive a phone call from this guy. He asks if I have styling gel. So I have my mom check her inventory and she says yes. So I gladly say we do. Then he asks how much is it and I give him the price and then he says ok. And then I ask him where he lives... I don't know but I thought it would be a great idea to drop it off and get time off from the home. He gives me his address but I have such a hard time understanding him. His accent was so thick and strong I almost literally could not understand a single thing he was saying not even when he was trying to spell out the words. I thought he was going to be an Indian customer I have. SoI finally get the address... and was relieved... and then he tells me... I want 6... so I ask my mom do we have 6 and of course we were lucky enough to only have 1... boo. So originally we were going to go get product and then I would go turn it in... well at the end... we didn't know... I went by my self... I knew it was friday and it was going to be rush hour and God knows Danny could barely stand being in  a car when it's going at 70; we wouldhave to bare the yelling and screaming... through traffic. No way. I go get the product in Santa Fe Springs and then head off to turn in the product in corona... So when I got there... I had forgotten that it was an Apartment Complex... I didn't' have the name of it... iit was confusing and traffic doesn't allow to look and see if this one might be it... I called him because I felt lost... and no help thank strong accent... so then I call again and ask for the name... finally! He had to repeat it so many times... I couldn't understand... btu I went into a complex... and was driving through the parking and well lucky I saw the name...  River Run....  and he had also said that he was going to go meet me in the parking lot... good... So I park and get off of the car.... there was an older asian guy eating red licorice... I shale his hand and he wanted to do the shake and kiss... but we only did the shake so he says, " Never would I have imagined such a beautiful young lady" and that's when I noticed he was wearing reddish pink lipstick... it was rubbing off... noit wasn't the licorice... because it doesn't leave you looking like that So he couldn't get off at how supposedly pretty I was.... so I gavehim his stuff and he gave me the money... So I proceeded to end the convo and say good bye... I shook his hand and he went for the kiss again...  The thing was that he wanted to kiss me inmy lips... yeah... my lips so I gave him a small kiss in his cheek and said good bye... As I was walking around my car... he still said... I ccan't believe how beautiful you are... I am going too dream about you tonight... So flattered as I was said thanks... and he told me to be careful and all this stuff... So I said thank you once again and left... he was staring at me leave like if he had lost something precious go away... I know I am exagerating but that is the way he saw my car leave.... lol.... Man was I glad that was over quick and that he came out to the parking lot instead of me going to his house... I need to start taking a buddy or something... lol... but that was something.....

When was the first moment you discovered love?

That is a funny one... when my heart was broken for the first time... 2 months after a relationship was initiated... I think that was first moment I realized at the moment that I never wanted it to end... it was 2 days after my birthday... I had just turned 17...

  
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