Ok, so I will tell you I don't trust very many guys...
Well start from here to go backwards... Well now there is this person who found me in my space. He went to high school with us for a while until the District kicked him out because his parents moved too far and well he was using my home address but they found out he didn't live at my home. Now, he is having some type of problems I guess home problems or something. Fine, I understand there is a lot of stress out there, I also know he has a 2 years little boy and I don't know if more. I know he has a girlfriend... but I don't know if she is his fiancee or wife. That is a problem besides me not liking him back. Now his page is private and I tried adding him once as a friend... because he is an old friend or whatever and he denied my request and found it weird... Now yesterday he started sending me messages again and stuff and was like "do you think we can hang out?" and I asked,"What do you mean hang out?"... He said there were too many problems at home and needed to get out and well I said no... I am not going to put my self in an uncomfortable situation. I hate those... I am not going to have some bitch calling me telling shit for no reason... I am not going to do it... Back in high school he is too have a big crush on me and well I guess some body beat them to the punch but anyways back then he tried... tried to kiss him... I guess I can't blame him for trying but I was better than him in every aspect. He was an exceptional clarinestis for his young age but no thank you. I guess he once admitted to liking me back then... oh like trying to kiss me didn't give it away or being annoying... But still he works has kids, only has a high school education... I don't know I am sure he is a nice guy but never been my type and I do not intend on having roads meet up...
We go to the next one... This guys tall... gray eyes... high school football player... played his game and we got together and what I found out next? He was married and was having issues at home. Yeah issues... I never spoke to him again... yeah when you have problems you run away huh? No, I don't think so....
The next person we dated once before but never became bf/gf... Well it was his b-day in october and he invited me and I met his baby's momma which they're engaged and living together. I don't know if they are married now or not well a little after the dinner and I sure it was a bit uncomfortable as I was the girl he dated prior to getting with his lady. I started getting some text messages saying stuff like you can call me tomorrow and any time you want and stuff like that. We had arranged that I was going to call him like at 2 about the time that he got out of work... That night I had a dream about getting calls from his baby's momma and the next day I didn't call him but I texted him... I think he texted me a couple more times and that was it...
What makes guys think that I like coming second to their plans... Obviously there is another person who did this also but it's too much... Come on, it's not like I really put my self out there like that. I mean come on I don't even talk to people. When do they get ideas that it is ok to try and talk to me that way and that they will get away with it... Oh yeah, I know that my intentionas are not sex for I don' even want that anymore. But, I don't know what they think. It makes everything so hard... look at the types of guys that approach me I need to find somebody when I join a Master's program.... It's so stupid but I need to look out before anything else fucks up my life and then i really wouldn't know what to do...
Sunday, August 31, 2008
I am outwardly going to say I am sorry... Yes I know that you were proud of your husband for wanting to see my baby. After a night of thinking I see your reason and where I lacked to understand at the moment. I guess now that I think about it...I'm happy he wanted to see him... Danny needs to know he does have a father around somewhere or at least a biological dad...Let me tell you why I was mad... and I know when I told you, you were upset, "At least he tried" ...you were probably thinking...anyways... I had a feeling he got an urge to want to see him because Danny was with his Grandmother yesterday and he figured that if she sat him then I would take him... And he wouldn't ask me if he can see his son because he knew I was going to say "no" which I almost did anyways. But, I said yes to Mabel because I know she can handle the baby. Well I know you probably might be able to but he doesn't know you and he is barely getting to know his grandma... For some reason he is also very un-trusting of men hence why I want him to get to know Arturo is his dad because he'll deny it until he's told in his face of Art himself tells him. On Thursday evening Art Sr. was telling Danny who his daddy was and Danny just kept saying no and I told him and he would say no... (stubbornly) so you see my dilema... also I know you don't understand as much because even when you guys were broken... he still went to see Ray even though it was mostly to see you... so he has always has a connection there but since he refuses to speak to me he closes himself a little to Danny... Danny trusts who I trust by how we communicate... Art and I have had a good communication before but oh well it's his doing not mine. I am not the one that wants to cause Drama and have you be the in between person... We're all going to be separated soon and that will be that... a few extra miles... I know you care for Danny and it must be really hard being the middle person... but I really don't want you to be as much as you like it or Art Burdens you....But, everything will get fixed... Don't worry...Some guys don't like to deal with crap and they find someone who loves them for everything and put it all on them.... but since your married...marriage unites a couple's problems which I hope the best...
Let me also put another prospective on hate and living together whilel going through a Divorce... There is only one person who can for sure feel hate or discomfort...his wife or soon to be wife... It's sad but there is nothing that can be changed when 2 people are going through what life challenges brings. A Divorce is hard enough when a person doesn't have to see them every day or go to court...worse when they're going to loose everything and be left with nothing... and even worse when one can't find a job because it's hard and the other has a part time job barely making it... Now that pressure an intensity is then projected by the kids in the household who in turn suffer. Sometimes it is hard to believe who is telling the truth but they both are and they are both trying their best in the situation they are being given by God...
Man times are so difficult for all and sometimes the one person who can solce many of them is out hiding from them also. But be strong and you'll make it... a person that buries themselves in problems can only help themself so much... Don't let the pressure get on you because all that stress is going onto an unborn child... Best of luck...
Let me also put another prospective on hate and living together whilel going through a Divorce... There is only one person who can for sure feel hate or discomfort...his wife or soon to be wife... It's sad but there is nothing that can be changed when 2 people are going through what life challenges brings. A Divorce is hard enough when a person doesn't have to see them every day or go to court...worse when they're going to loose everything and be left with nothing... and even worse when one can't find a job because it's hard and the other has a part time job barely making it... Now that pressure an intensity is then projected by the kids in the household who in turn suffer. Sometimes it is hard to believe who is telling the truth but they both are and they are both trying their best in the situation they are being given by God...
Man times are so difficult for all and sometimes the one person who can solce many of them is out hiding from them also. But be strong and you'll make it... a person that buries themselves in problems can only help themself so much... Don't let the pressure get on you because all that stress is going onto an unborn child... Best of luck...
In Response to a survey done about about me... I am in italics it was Done by Ana S
My name:Reyna
There is no need in denying my name is Reyna
Summarize me in three words:quiet, thoughtful, emotional
Those are all pretty true
Where did we meet?mcdonalds
It was true... and let me explain although you didn't know me... There were already pre-judgemental thought in my minds... my only put in my mind by me but by everybody that worked in that placed put their words in my head even before I met you... they all just pointed you out to me...I guess they assumed that I needed to know... The funny thing was that he had been warned about it being anyone near where I worked... or any place I would be at...
Take a stab at my middle name:edith
Your dead on but like most people we're no embarressed of our name at all
How long have you known me?4 years now
True... in presence but I guess we really didn't start knowing each other until like 2 years ago when we started talking and you took the inni
When is the last time that we saw each other?today
:D
Do I drink?occasionally
I guess I do ocasionally but mostly rarely as I don't like drinking by myself and I don't go out so...
Do I smoke?sure
Also rarely... I like a smoke every once in a while but not in a habit... a craving comes once almost every year...
Am I happy?could be happier
I can be happier but one cannot control the self worth and self esteem issues we all hold... I try to be happier and a lot more open to telling people how I feel about things as I did last night with you...
Am I a good person?yes
Based on interpretation given the situation but I try to be
What was your first impression of upon meeting me/seeing me?
i didnt know who you were i kinda just by passed you....no real impression
Well thanks, you didn't have biased people on youor shoulder telling you things but I would have still felt anger
What's one of my favorite things to do?movies
yes... I don't try and hide it :D
Am I funny?with sarcasm
I am very sarcastic and sometimes it throws people off really bad but hey that is who I am...
How do you make me smile?i dont know really...
This is a fuuny question but don't worry it's a question I have been asking my self... I am barely learning all over again... baby steps
What's my favorite type of music?rock
primarily
Have you ever seen me cry?no...i dont think
I don't think you have... I sometimes talk with watery eyes but I don't know why simple things water my eyes... as in cry cry... I would have to be very passionate about what I am talking but when I am very exttremely mad I do cry
Can I sing?:i wouldnt know....
I can sing a little... I was in a musical once...haha... yeah(interesting, but chorus line) anyways as a music major sort of have to sing acapella and in groups and yea
What is the best feature about me?eyes
Thank you, I believe so too
Am I shy or outgoing?shy
Yea to an extentn but I am not outgoing but slowly working out a compromise with my self
Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules?both in a way
I am both... I hate rules but I am a quiet rebel bending the rules unnoticed
Do I have any special talents?...cooking?
I love cooking... I love knitting as well btu haven't done it in years...
Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what)?dont like labels
Yeah I really don't like labels... I had too many in high school...
I'm hot? Am I not?prettyful
Have I seen you naked?no
Have you ever hugged me?i dont think i have
I am sure you haven't :D maybe someday...
Would you kiss me??...no
lol...
What is my favorite food?mexican
I was originally but right now I don't have much of a preference... I am so tried of everything
Have you ever had a crush on me?no
I think that would be a little weird considering our situtation
Am I dating anyone?....are you?
this is a very fluid topic... I cannot say I am exclusively or not but I am not giving my self a title
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be?i think i would call you rey
My college roomate... Gave me that nickname
What's your favorite memory of me?...everytime we hang out with the kids really
Hanging out with the kids is always fun...
Who do I like right now?...idk...who?
What is my worst habit?...bite your nails?
It was my worst habit but I don't do it as much as I use to... I am sure I have worst habits now but I think my worst habit is to think or overanalyse things too much
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing I would bring?a phone?
If it was the only item I can bring it wouldn't be my phone... no one calls me really... txt are iffy... and I think it would be a really long book
Are we friends?sure thing
:D
Do I believe in God?yes
Yes I do now for sure... I've had my doubts in time
Am I family oriented?i believe so
Sort of... It's a hard question to answer if it's just me and Danny, I am ...if it's my whole family now... I am not... I have to be because I have no choice but I need out
Who is my best friend?you say you dont have any....but i have my doubts...=]...i dont know who though
It's sweet you have your doubts but I really don't... Can a person really noy talk to any one ... it's called when there's no one... you have your head and a book to write in...
My name:Reyna
There is no need in denying my name is Reyna
Summarize me in three words:quiet, thoughtful, emotional
Those are all pretty true
Where did we meet?mcdonalds
It was true... and let me explain although you didn't know me... There were already pre-judgemental thought in my minds... my only put in my mind by me but by everybody that worked in that placed put their words in my head even before I met you... they all just pointed you out to me...I guess they assumed that I needed to know... The funny thing was that he had been warned about it being anyone near where I worked... or any place I would be at...
Take a stab at my middle name:edith
Your dead on but like most people we're no embarressed of our name at all
How long have you known me?4 years now
True... in presence but I guess we really didn't start knowing each other until like 2 years ago when we started talking and you took the inni
When is the last time that we saw each other?today
:D
Do I drink?occasionally
I guess I do ocasionally but mostly rarely as I don't like drinking by myself and I don't go out so...
Do I smoke?sure
Also rarely... I like a smoke every once in a while but not in a habit... a craving comes once almost every year...
Am I happy?could be happier
I can be happier but one cannot control the self worth and self esteem issues we all hold... I try to be happier and a lot more open to telling people how I feel about things as I did last night with you...
Am I a good person?yes
Based on interpretation given the situation but I try to be
What was your first impression of upon meeting me/seeing me?
i didnt know who you were i kinda just by passed you....no real impression
Well thanks, you didn't have biased people on youor shoulder telling you things but I would have still felt anger
What's one of my favorite things to do?movies
yes... I don't try and hide it :D
Am I funny?with sarcasm
I am very sarcastic and sometimes it throws people off really bad but hey that is who I am...
How do you make me smile?i dont know really...
This is a fuuny question but don't worry it's a question I have been asking my self... I am barely learning all over again... baby steps
What's my favorite type of music?rock
primarily
Have you ever seen me cry?no...i dont think
I don't think you have... I sometimes talk with watery eyes but I don't know why simple things water my eyes... as in cry cry... I would have to be very passionate about what I am talking but when I am very exttremely mad I do cry
Can I sing?:i wouldnt know....
I can sing a little... I was in a musical once...haha... yeah(interesting, but chorus line) anyways as a music major sort of have to sing acapella and in groups and yea
What is the best feature about me?eyes
Thank you, I believe so too
Am I shy or outgoing?shy
Yea to an extentn but I am not outgoing but slowly working out a compromise with my self
Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules?both in a way
I am both... I hate rules but I am a quiet rebel bending the rules unnoticed
Do I have any special talents?...cooking?
I love cooking... I love knitting as well btu haven't done it in years...
Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what)?dont like labels
Yeah I really don't like labels... I had too many in high school...
I'm hot? Am I not?prettyful
Have I seen you naked?no
Have you ever hugged me?i dont think i have
I am sure you haven't :D maybe someday...
Would you kiss me??...no
lol...
What is my favorite food?mexican
I was originally but right now I don't have much of a preference... I am so tried of everything
Have you ever had a crush on me?no
I think that would be a little weird considering our situtation
Am I dating anyone?....are you?
this is a very fluid topic... I cannot say I am exclusively or not but I am not giving my self a title
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be?i think i would call you rey
My college roomate... Gave me that nickname
What's your favorite memory of me?...everytime we hang out with the kids really
Hanging out with the kids is always fun...
Who do I like right now?...idk...who?
What is my worst habit?...bite your nails?
It was my worst habit but I don't do it as much as I use to... I am sure I have worst habits now but I think my worst habit is to think or overanalyse things too much
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing I would bring?a phone?
If it was the only item I can bring it wouldn't be my phone... no one calls me really... txt are iffy... and I think it would be a really long book
Are we friends?sure thing
:D
Do I believe in God?yes
Yes I do now for sure... I've had my doubts in time
Am I family oriented?i believe so
Sort of... It's a hard question to answer if it's just me and Danny, I am ...if it's my whole family now... I am not... I have to be because I have no choice but I need out
Who is my best friend?you say you dont have any....but i have my doubts...=]...i dont know who though
It's sweet you have your doubts but I really don't... Can a person really noy talk to any one ... it's called when there's no one... you have your head and a book to write in...
Saturday, August 30, 2008
It is strange but in the last few days I've been crying... ever since Wednesday... I just feel like crying... I feel like I have butterflies in my stomach... I feel like throwing up but most I feel so scared....
Scared?
I almost have a feeling something is going to go down... I can't explain but it's different... But I am not crying for that; I just feel fear. I know what scares me but should it? I have been talking to a few people and emptying everything even my most hidden secrets... Everything in me is being stirred up as I slowly pour out all the contents it comes with. Oh trust it contains what you think and more... everything that has happens since day one which I call jealousy...
I always use to ask my self, "why don't I have friends?"
So I go and ask my mother, "Why did you deny me friends? Why did you tell me I couldn't have friends?"
He says, "I didn't say it like that?"
You said,"You can't have real friends because they are not friends..."
As a little kids we interpret don't have kids because it's bad... I still remember when she told me I couldn't have real friends. So as a result I was a loner... sure an ocassional friend her and there but never a friend I can rely on to say everything to cry when I needed to cry... not a friend to play with or to teach me that playing was fun even though little girls were not suppose to play like the boys because it was not lady like. I needed someone to corrupt this corrupted broken little being form her inner shell... this innocent shell she has to learn the hard way... this innocent protected little girl that learned that when you get fucked, it's over... a girl who didn't know that what felt so good was so bad so you at the end...
She was a little girl who was always told she was fat... until this person came along and accepted her for who she was... the gothic, weird, unsocial,psychotic, pain inflicting little girl... a little girl who just cried out for help and was never received... more criticism... eating disorders... many eating disorders... depression... anxiety... suicidal...
Where is she now? Crying... why? Because it has always just been her.... because she has never been really happy...because she is still crying... Yes, she is still crying... What is she crying about? She is crying with hate, with love, with pain, and doubt, with loneliness and with everybody sitting right next to her not noticing she ever had a problem... there were many summers she cried every single day... laid in bed and nobody even recognized she was even worth helping just yelling...
"You're a good fro nothing!" "You never help out!" "We need you for this" "Go do this"
Always have to do the needs of others but when she needs something can she go to them? Well no; it's not safe zone. Who knows why life has taught me to untrust... Sometimes I tell people stuff and then I fear they let out what I told them... It's not like they can hurt me with it but it can ... The sinking heart... the dimishing of a heart's beat... the rhythm of life and the giver of passion... a failed organ...
Sometimes I feel like that little girl in high school willing to give her time for this person so their life would be different although they never knew she sacrifized friends and trustees for a better tomorrow... They still don't know the beggin that occured... the plea... one more chance... one more change... they have some good... I know they do... "Don't worry I know everything that is happening." "ok, thank you very much"
Sadly I blame this dear friend on mine for something terrible that occured to me my sophomore in college... He also doesn't know what I did. I unjustly blmed him for the pain he caused me... a few months of hanging out and eating together, going places... just keeping each other's company... some sweet moments in a girls life... no deception... just pure happiness... no need for holding hands or any sexual feeling... just bliss... but ended in heartbreak and in the arms of the wrong person... With tears and sorrow I cried and remained in my room. One day consoled and the next day once again left by another... 2 loved and left... 1 broken heart twice in a year... No one is to blame... I realized I was wrong to blame neither did anything... which in a sense that is what causes the heart to weaken into a heart break...One tells themselves I have never seen her with anybody in years... well that may be true. I have learn that the best things in life are kept from the world. I have learned that trust is still not easily given... could I have trusted the wrong people? Sure, but then why is it that I am also not trusted when I am have given it all...? Hmmm... maybe that is why... When you have it set-up so you can loose it all it's the best gamble.... I sat at a high stake table and walked away empty handed with a life lesson learned... Only you can trust yourself to see what's in front of you... others only care about you when you have something they want or need and that's it. I fold... stand up and get out... No more ... miss little sweet girl that falls into those plump watery brown eyes... she drowned in her tears.
I know this is all bullshit but it's true according to see...hehehe... I feel this power I almost have an urge to poke to come out... let it flow out until I am weakened again why life's lies and pain...
Scared?
I almost have a feeling something is going to go down... I can't explain but it's different... But I am not crying for that; I just feel fear. I know what scares me but should it? I have been talking to a few people and emptying everything even my most hidden secrets... Everything in me is being stirred up as I slowly pour out all the contents it comes with. Oh trust it contains what you think and more... everything that has happens since day one which I call jealousy...
I always use to ask my self, "why don't I have friends?"
So I go and ask my mother, "Why did you deny me friends? Why did you tell me I couldn't have friends?"
He says, "I didn't say it like that?"
You said,"You can't have real friends because they are not friends..."
As a little kids we interpret don't have kids because it's bad... I still remember when she told me I couldn't have real friends. So as a result I was a loner... sure an ocassional friend her and there but never a friend I can rely on to say everything to cry when I needed to cry... not a friend to play with or to teach me that playing was fun even though little girls were not suppose to play like the boys because it was not lady like. I needed someone to corrupt this corrupted broken little being form her inner shell... this innocent shell she has to learn the hard way... this innocent protected little girl that learned that when you get fucked, it's over... a girl who didn't know that what felt so good was so bad so you at the end...
She was a little girl who was always told she was fat... until this person came along and accepted her for who she was... the gothic, weird, unsocial,psychotic, pain inflicting little girl... a little girl who just cried out for help and was never received... more criticism... eating disorders... many eating disorders... depression... anxiety... suicidal...
Where is she now? Crying... why? Because it has always just been her.... because she has never been really happy...because she is still crying... Yes, she is still crying... What is she crying about? She is crying with hate, with love, with pain, and doubt, with loneliness and with everybody sitting right next to her not noticing she ever had a problem... there were many summers she cried every single day... laid in bed and nobody even recognized she was even worth helping just yelling...
"You're a good fro nothing!" "You never help out!" "We need you for this" "Go do this"
Always have to do the needs of others but when she needs something can she go to them? Well no; it's not safe zone. Who knows why life has taught me to untrust... Sometimes I tell people stuff and then I fear they let out what I told them... It's not like they can hurt me with it but it can ... The sinking heart... the dimishing of a heart's beat... the rhythm of life and the giver of passion... a failed organ...
Sometimes I feel like that little girl in high school willing to give her time for this person so their life would be different although they never knew she sacrifized friends and trustees for a better tomorrow... They still don't know the beggin that occured... the plea... one more chance... one more change... they have some good... I know they do... "Don't worry I know everything that is happening." "ok, thank you very much"
Sadly I blame this dear friend on mine for something terrible that occured to me my sophomore in college... He also doesn't know what I did. I unjustly blmed him for the pain he caused me... a few months of hanging out and eating together, going places... just keeping each other's company... some sweet moments in a girls life... no deception... just pure happiness... no need for holding hands or any sexual feeling... just bliss... but ended in heartbreak and in the arms of the wrong person... With tears and sorrow I cried and remained in my room. One day consoled and the next day once again left by another... 2 loved and left... 1 broken heart twice in a year... No one is to blame... I realized I was wrong to blame neither did anything... which in a sense that is what causes the heart to weaken into a heart break...One tells themselves I have never seen her with anybody in years... well that may be true. I have learn that the best things in life are kept from the world. I have learned that trust is still not easily given... could I have trusted the wrong people? Sure, but then why is it that I am also not trusted when I am have given it all...? Hmmm... maybe that is why... When you have it set-up so you can loose it all it's the best gamble.... I sat at a high stake table and walked away empty handed with a life lesson learned... Only you can trust yourself to see what's in front of you... others only care about you when you have something they want or need and that's it. I fold... stand up and get out... No more ... miss little sweet girl that falls into those plump watery brown eyes... she drowned in her tears.
I know this is all bullshit but it's true according to see...hehehe... I feel this power I almost have an urge to poke to come out... let it flow out until I am weakened again why life's lies and pain...
So, it feels as though in the last few days I've been tired... I sleep in and I go out a lot. I try not to be home as much as possible during the day and I think my family is beginning to see the trend. I am always being called... Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? And, I am obviously not home, I am not doing anything and if they really want to know... fine I have a boyfriend. Maybe that will keep their mind clear... Will it? Maybe they will begin to accept but no. I know they don't accept so should I get them to or should I let them see for themselves but they don't trust me. Ok, so i'll come home pregnant again and ask for refuge because I don't want someone to depend on... I am irresponsible...
Well you can't get married....
You can't have a boyfriend... it's not right for your son
He will suffer...
Now how can the unconditional love a mother gives their only child ever compare to another... this love is different. Now, those are things I've heard. Now is it right to be told that I have no right to find happiness in another man? Is it? That I have to live with myself so I cannot find true love? Is it right to be asked to tear out your heart so you can never feel again? Is it right?!
NO! I don't think it's right that I am asked to refrain from being a social being... It is not fair that I have to be by my self to accommodate others' perception... That is foolish ideals... Foolish old traditions that are trying to be implemented on me because like many have seen I am weak... submissive.... Easily taken advantage of for their own gain...
I am a tool... if used wisely, others' can rise while keep me close to the ground.
So for those who tell me I cannot live a life of happiness, love, joy?
Should they have a right to know what I do with my time...
Alright, if you wanna know...
I go get drunk, sure I have my occasional smoke...why not? I'm out already...
Well in reality no I don't get drunk... I've drank socially with friends ... Smoke well sure but never in front of my son... or anywhere near him. I leave him behind and before I see him I take off my clothes and take a shower...
Can I tell you about this sweet man who captures my dreams every night? Who every morning wakes me up with the sweetest words? Can I? I know you want to know but you wouldn't be able to take it...
We all live believing there is a person there for us ready to capture our heart we just have to be willing to let them in... And, also in many instances you even FUCK up some great friendships that could have been more but you were blinded by this blindfold that was created by those who say they LOVE you and all they do is critisize you and demean you as a person, a friend, a lover, sister, and a mother.
We all know that there have been instances in our lives that we regret... well if you haven't had a chance you will have one oppotunity in your whole life to regret... there are those that say that they only learn from the past well they do and they have no choice because they regretted and hurt themselves so much that they make themselves belive they don't regret anything and what happens happens...
I have lied a couple times trying to be like others and say no I don't regret a thing but that is wrong. I do regret many things. Of course, I can't take them back or dwell on them but they are who I am and who I have become. I have progressed a lot in the last few years... when I met myself in high school I was this paranoid, distrusting, hating person... I hated all because I knew they were going to hurt me... I slowly allowed people to enter my world and guess what... every single person I have allowed into my life has hurt me more than they can ever imagine... You say it is not true but I can say every single person I have cried from... they don't know it... maybe now they do but most likely now... And you know who have made me cried the most those that I loved the most... Those I tried to give a little more to... I know that every best friend I had either became an enemy or was prior an enemy... extremes... People ask me..."Why don't you otrust?" Sure, I'll trust you but what makes you believe you are different than the others? What makes you so special? You love me... Well I guess that is something, huh? You know that Love is only hate upside down? It is a small strand in between then... Some seem to believe that if you loved someone so much you could never hate them... may be possibly but is it impossible to not hate youself?
Oh, yeah... So here today I saw him looking straight at me like he had never seen before...
Those soft colored eyes just sinking into my soul... I just felt like I was falling into this deep, cushioned hole of endless trust...
Here we were just mesmerize that not a single word was spoken to say all that was felt. Knowing that this person was more than an angle sent to protect from this cruel world... There he is an here I am...
Today, here I sit...tomorrow will be another 30 years and I still sit.... And I still ask myself should I tell them?
Well you can't get married....
You can't have a boyfriend... it's not right for your son
He will suffer...
Now how can the unconditional love a mother gives their only child ever compare to another... this love is different. Now, those are things I've heard. Now is it right to be told that I have no right to find happiness in another man? Is it? That I have to live with myself so I cannot find true love? Is it right to be asked to tear out your heart so you can never feel again? Is it right?!
NO! I don't think it's right that I am asked to refrain from being a social being... It is not fair that I have to be by my self to accommodate others' perception... That is foolish ideals... Foolish old traditions that are trying to be implemented on me because like many have seen I am weak... submissive.... Easily taken advantage of for their own gain...
I am a tool... if used wisely, others' can rise while keep me close to the ground.
So for those who tell me I cannot live a life of happiness, love, joy?
Should they have a right to know what I do with my time...
Alright, if you wanna know...
I go get drunk, sure I have my occasional smoke...why not? I'm out already...
Well in reality no I don't get drunk... I've drank socially with friends ... Smoke well sure but never in front of my son... or anywhere near him. I leave him behind and before I see him I take off my clothes and take a shower...
Can I tell you about this sweet man who captures my dreams every night? Who every morning wakes me up with the sweetest words? Can I? I know you want to know but you wouldn't be able to take it...
We all live believing there is a person there for us ready to capture our heart we just have to be willing to let them in... And, also in many instances you even FUCK up some great friendships that could have been more but you were blinded by this blindfold that was created by those who say they LOVE you and all they do is critisize you and demean you as a person, a friend, a lover, sister, and a mother.
We all know that there have been instances in our lives that we regret... well if you haven't had a chance you will have one oppotunity in your whole life to regret... there are those that say that they only learn from the past well they do and they have no choice because they regretted and hurt themselves so much that they make themselves belive they don't regret anything and what happens happens...
I have lied a couple times trying to be like others and say no I don't regret a thing but that is wrong. I do regret many things. Of course, I can't take them back or dwell on them but they are who I am and who I have become. I have progressed a lot in the last few years... when I met myself in high school I was this paranoid, distrusting, hating person... I hated all because I knew they were going to hurt me... I slowly allowed people to enter my world and guess what... every single person I have allowed into my life has hurt me more than they can ever imagine... You say it is not true but I can say every single person I have cried from... they don't know it... maybe now they do but most likely now... And you know who have made me cried the most those that I loved the most... Those I tried to give a little more to... I know that every best friend I had either became an enemy or was prior an enemy... extremes... People ask me..."Why don't you otrust?" Sure, I'll trust you but what makes you believe you are different than the others? What makes you so special? You love me... Well I guess that is something, huh? You know that Love is only hate upside down? It is a small strand in between then... Some seem to believe that if you loved someone so much you could never hate them... may be possibly but is it impossible to not hate youself?
Oh, yeah... So here today I saw him looking straight at me like he had never seen before...
Those soft colored eyes just sinking into my soul... I just felt like I was falling into this deep, cushioned hole of endless trust...
Here we were just mesmerize that not a single word was spoken to say all that was felt. Knowing that this person was more than an angle sent to protect from this cruel world... There he is an here I am...
Today, here I sit...tomorrow will be another 30 years and I still sit.... And I still ask myself should I tell them?
Friday, August 29, 2008
Sometimes, we, ourselves trap our own selves in a wall... a rut...
We try to make life easier for others while making it harder on your self. When you realize on the fact that it's not right because it's unbalance you try to balance your side but by that time balancing your self ends up being and unbalancing for others. It's like having your cake and eating it too.
I am literally tired of hearing no one has money. Yes, we all know that is a fact. No body has money to feed their kids... to buy milk... to live in their houses... Even a nice sit down dinner with the family is uncommon because the splurges or fight within for the lack of money...
Then we all think who in fact wants money? Well everybody. Who thinks money will make them happier? everybody who do not know the cruelty and responsibility of having it.
Who wouldn't love to say I don't need effin money... i make enough to care for you and your family... who wouldn't?
Sadly, no one I know does... we're all poor and with this economy becoming even more poor. We once thought we had gone higher than the poverty lone well thanks we're under it again. Where are the jobs why is it that not even a college grad come even get a stupid job like in mervys or target. How stupid is that... Oh well it's because she has bad credit...
Well, what the fuck you expect if you wont hire a person to pay the debt. One is being judge by so many factors but they don't realize they can be the solution...
oh wait....
they are not getting enough customers...
Fuckin' stupid cycle of and endless bullshit.
We really need a Democrat back on office to fox this shit... more republican and this country will go down a shit hole... Sure there are going to be a few more taxes but we'll have jobs to pay them with. If we don't sacrifice we never gain.
We need change... I wasn't an Obama supporter but I was a Clinton and well there is no way I am throwing my vote to a Republican... They have shown us what can happen to the country...
I don't know about many but I found Former President Clinton's words inspiring...
I am honored to be here tonight to support Barack Obama. And to warm upthe crowd for Joe Biden, though as you'll soon see, he doesn't need anyhelp from me. I love Joe Biden, and America will too.
We try to make life easier for others while making it harder on your self. When you realize on the fact that it's not right because it's unbalance you try to balance your side but by that time balancing your self ends up being and unbalancing for others. It's like having your cake and eating it too.
I am literally tired of hearing no one has money. Yes, we all know that is a fact. No body has money to feed their kids... to buy milk... to live in their houses... Even a nice sit down dinner with the family is uncommon because the splurges or fight within for the lack of money...
Then we all think who in fact wants money? Well everybody. Who thinks money will make them happier? everybody who do not know the cruelty and responsibility of having it.
Who wouldn't love to say I don't need effin money... i make enough to care for you and your family... who wouldn't?
Sadly, no one I know does... we're all poor and with this economy becoming even more poor. We once thought we had gone higher than the poverty lone well thanks we're under it again. Where are the jobs why is it that not even a college grad come even get a stupid job like in mervys or target. How stupid is that... Oh well it's because she has bad credit...
Well, what the fuck you expect if you wont hire a person to pay the debt. One is being judge by so many factors but they don't realize they can be the solution...
oh wait....
they are not getting enough customers...
Fuckin' stupid cycle of and endless bullshit.
We really need a Democrat back on office to fox this shit... more republican and this country will go down a shit hole... Sure there are going to be a few more taxes but we'll have jobs to pay them with. If we don't sacrifice we never gain.
We need change... I wasn't an Obama supporter but I was a Clinton and well there is no way I am throwing my vote to a Republican... They have shown us what can happen to the country...
I don't know about many but I found Former President Clinton's words inspiring...
I am honored to be here tonight to support Barack Obama. And to warm upthe crowd for Joe Biden, though as you'll soon see, he doesn't need anyhelp from me. I love Joe Biden, and America will too.
What a year we Democrats have had. The primary began with anall-star line up and came down to two remarkable Americans locked in ahard fought contest to the very end. The campaign generated so muchheat it increased global warming.
In the end, my candidate didn't win. But I'm very proud of thecampaign she ran: she never quit on the people she stood up for, on thechanges she pushed for, on the future she wants for all our children.And I'm grateful for the chance Chelsea and I had to tell Americansabout the person we know and love.
I'm not so grateful for the chance to speak in the wake of her magnificent address last night. But I'll do my best.
Hillary told us in no uncertain terms that she'll do everything she can to elect Barack Obama.
Hillary told us in no uncertain terms that she'll do everything she can to elect Barack Obama.
That makes two of us.
Actually that makes 18 million of us - because, like Hillary, I wantall of you who supported her to vote for Barack Obama in November.
Here's why.
Our nation is in trouble on two fronts: The American Dream is undersiege at home, and America's leadership in the world has been weakened.
Middle class and low-income Americans are hurting, with incomesdeclining; job losses, poverty and inequality rising; mortgageforeclosures and credit card debt increasing; health care coveragedisappearing; and a big spike in the cost of food, utilities, andgasoline.
Our position in the world has been weakened by too muchunilateralism and too little cooperation; a perilous dependence onimported oil; a refusal to lead on global warming; a growingindebtedness and a dependence on foreign lenders; a severely burdenedmilitary; a backsliding on global non-proliferation and arms controlagreements; and a failure to consistently use the power of diplomacy,from the Middle East to Africa to Latin America to Central and EasternEurope.
Clearly, the job of the next President is to rebuild the American Dream and restore America's standing in the world.
Everything I learned in my eight years as President and in the workI've done since, in America and across the globe, has convinced me thatBarack Obama is the man for this job.
He has a remarkable ability to inspire people, to raise our hopesand rally us to high purpose. He has the intelligence and curiosityevery successful President needs. His policies on the economy, taxes,health care and energy are far superior to the Republican alternatives.He has shown a clear grasp of our foreign policy and national securitychallenges, and a firm commitment to repair our badly strainedmilitary. His family heritage and life experiences have given him aunique capacity to lead our increasingly diverse nation and to restoreour leadership in an ever more interdependent world. The long, hardprimary tested and strengthened him. And in his first presidentialdecision, the selection of a running mate, he hit it out of the park.
With Joe Biden's experience and wisdom, supporting Barack Obama'sproven understanding, insight, and good instincts, America will havethe national security leadership we need.
Barack Obama is ready to lead America and restore Americanleadership in the world. Ready to preserve, protect, and defend theConstitution of the United States. Barack Obama is ready to bePresident of the United States.
He will work for an America with more partners and feweradversaries. He will rebuild our frayed alliances and revitalize theinternational institutions which help to share the costs of the world'sproblems and to leverage our power and influence. He will put us backin the forefront of the world's fight to reduce nuclear, chemical, andbiological weapons and to stop global warming. He will continue andenhance our nation's global leadership in an area in which I am deeplyinvolved, the fight against AIDS, TB and malaria, including a renewalof the battle against HIV/AIDS here at home. He will choose diplomacyfirst and military force as a last resort. But in a world troubled byterror; by trafficking in weapons, drugs and people; by human rightsabuses; by other threats to our security, our interests, and ourvalues, when he cannot convert adversaries into partners, he will standup to them.
Barack Obama also will not allow the world's problems to obscure itsopportunities. Everywhere, in rich and poor countries alike,hardworking people need good jobs; secure, affordable healthcare, food,and energy; quality education for their children; and economicallybeneficial ways to fight global warming. These challenges cry out forAmerican ideas and American innovation. When Barack Obama unleashesthem, America will save lives, win new allies, open new markets, andcreate new jobs for our people.
Most important, Barack Obama knows that America cannot be strongabroad unless we are strong at home. People the world over have alwaysbeen more impressed by the power of our example than by the example ofour power.
Look at the example the Republicans have set: American workers havegiven us consistently rising productivity. They've worked harder andproduced more. What did they get in return? Declining wages, less than¼ as many new jobs as in the previous eight years, smaller health careand pension benefits, rising poverty and the biggest increase in incomeinequality since the 1920s. American families by the millions arestruggling with soaring health care costs and declining coverage. Iwill never forget the parents of children with autism and other severeconditions who told me on the campaign trail that they couldn't affordhealth care and couldn't qualify their kids for Medicaid unless theyquit work or got a divorce. Are these the family values the Republicansare so proud of? What about the military families pushed to thebreaking point by unprecedented multiple deployments? What about theassault on science and the defense of torture? What about the war onunions and the unlimited favors for the well connected? What aboutKatrina and cronyism?
America can do better than that. And Barack Obama will.
But first we have to elect him.
The choice is clear. The Republicans will nominate a good man whoserved our country heroically and suffered terribly in Vietnam. Heloves our country every bit as much as we all do. As a Senator, he hasshown his independence on several issues. But on the two greatquestions of this election, how to rebuild the American Dream and howto restore America's leadership in the world, he still embraces theextreme philosophy which has defined his party for more than 25 years,a philosophy we never had a real chance to see in action until 2001,when the Republicans finally gained control of both the White House andCongress. Then we saw what would happen to America if the policies theyhad talked about for decades were implemented.
They took us from record surpluses to an exploding national debt;from over 22 million new jobs down to 5 million; from an increase inworking family incomes of $7,500 to a decline of more than $2,000; fromalmost 8 million Americans moving out of poverty to more than 5 and ahalf million falling into poverty - and millions more losing theirhealth insurance.
Now, in spite of all the evidence, their candidate is promising moreof the same: More tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans that will swellthe deficit, increase inequality, and weaken the economy. Moreband-aids for health care that will enrich insurance companies,impoverish families and increase the number of uninsured. More going italone in the world, instead of building the shared responsibilities andshared opportunities necessary to advance our security and restore ourinfluence.
They actually want us to reward them for the last eight years bygiving them four more. Let's send them a message that will echo fromthe Rockies all across America: Thanks, but no thanks. In this case,the third time is not the charm.
My fellow Democrats, sixteen years ago, you gave me the profoundhonor to lead our party to victory and to lead our nation to a new eraof peace and broadly shared prosperity.
Together, we prevailed in a campaign in which the Republicans said Iwas too young and too inexperienced to be Commander-in-Chief. Soundfamiliar? It didn't work in 1992, because we were on the right side ofhistory. And it won't work in 2008, because Barack Obama is on theright side of history.
His life is a 21st Century incarnation of the American Dream. Hisachievements are proof of our continuing progress toward the "moreperfect union" of our founders' dreams. The values of freedom and equalopportunity which have given him his historic chance will drive him aspresident to give all Americans, regardless of race, religion, gender,sexual orientation or disability, their chance to build a decent life,and to show our humanity, as well as our strength, to the world.
We see that humanity, that strength, and our future in Barack andMichelle Obama and their beautiful children. We see them reinforced bythe partnership with Joe Biden, his wife Jill, a dedicated teacher, andtheir family.
Barack Obama will lead us away from division and fear of the lasteight years back to unity and hope. If, like me, you still believeAmerica must always be a place called Hope, then join Hillary, Chelseaand me in making Senator Barack Obama the next President of the UnitedStates.
I know I found this a little surprising with what was said before during the campaigning but he is right we must stick together and show that we need more jobs and better futures... times are hard enough to not try and fix them now...
Is being attracted to someone else when you are in a relationship cheating? Why or why not?
I do not believe being attracted to someone is cheating. Firstly, there are many beautiful people out there and some just admire the beauty. It would be wrong to walk around with our eyes closed all the time. It would only be considered cheating if the person who was attracted took a step towards trying to meet this person. That in it self already gives the sign that that person is not comitted to their relationship in a whole and if had the opportunity would have cheated... even though they deny it and disregard it as nothing...
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I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!
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