ok, so I thought that by now I would be all better and prancing around but for me unfortunately I am still sick. And to my misfortune Danny woke up sick yesterday morning. Well last night was total chaos because he just was not comfortable and he had me walking all over the house.  I know he finally told me to lay down on the couch(at liek 4 or 5 am) in the living room and he climbed up and we fell asleep. Well I woke soon after but I guess he just needed a cooler place for a while. I picked him up and went to the room to wake up an hour later to put my clothes to dry and knock out for another hour to wake up and get ready for work. I canceled my lessons for today and tuesday. I don't know if I am going in to work on tuesday yet but I was told today that I am still getting paid as if I went, so YAY me! But I am jury duty tuesday so that should be fun!

It still sucks. I am just as sick or even more sick than I was... grr....

I am so mad... I am sick!  My head is just unbearable, I can't breath, I sneeze all the time, I just want to sleep but I can't. My throat hurts a lot, my coughing almost makes me want to cry and I have to go to work tomorrow. I have to go to the DMV and fix  things for my car, I need to take Danny for a physical, I need my car back... fuck! I need more money. I just need to pay back my school loans... Shit man! it's a mother fuckin bottomless pit and that is not even counting everything else from last year that is still there... I need another J_O_B!!!

So it is very weird. Everyday I am having more and more dreams of Art. They are so many I can't even keep track of them. I just wake up and I just remember a tad bit but not even enough to write about them. How odd. Also in the last few days I have been drooling an awful lot and I do not understand why. It's just been a weird week. But also it made me a little sad to know that he call ana but makes sense and it doesn't matter. I know he loves her but I guess somewhere down deep I just wished he would think of me more even though I don't want him. I just like talking to him. I have been thinking of him more but I miss him less. I care about his well being but I know he is ok. I am just ok he is ok and far away. I don't know why. I just feel at peace. Can it be because I see him every night in my dreams? Maybe. Or that the dreams are just communicating to him? I don't know, well yeah. I know this is a scatter plot.  so yeah!

So it was quite interesting because yesterday when I got home my mother told me," La clinica medica familiar llamo y dijo que no fueste a tu appointment" and I was like what. Last time I went for a check up was in november and  my mother knew about that and they would call oh so many months later. I asked her what time they called and she said like in the early evening but to my dismay there was number from them only house and cell numbers in which had nothing to do with me. I don't know if they pranked call or what was going on. I kept on interrogating my my mom because I found it odd. I asked the time, if it was a girl and if she recognized the voice. She told me it was a girl and the voice sounded a bit familiar but she couldn't pin it down on a face. Oh well... that was really odd. And the worse thing that made me even more suspicious was that they DR. I go to has my cell number and they cannot call my house because it violates the privacy act that I signed for them. So if anything I can maybe sue them for violating my rights... oops on their parts... What ever...

Today was a nice day except for the fact that I woke up with a sore throat and now my left side hurts and I don't know why. It like taunting me or something, it a small pulsing pain... Oh well hopes it goes away :D Well today was a dull day of course with nothing to do, well I baby sat this little girl for a small while which wasn't bad. Tomorrow back to work but the only difference is that tomorrow I am official working on the clock. YAY! I at least now that my time sheet is due March 15 and well I guess I get paid a couple week later... *sigh* of relief. Although I was disappointed  today because I went online to see if they had posted the CBEST results as they had claimed they were going to be posted by the 20th but then when I went on it said not until the 25th. That was a bummer, I mean the official scores are mailed on the 29th so not much of a difference. I guess I have to wait to see that I didn't pass anyways... Well hopefully this pain goes away and well anything goes alright. I have been a pessimistic person all my life, I guess it's time to change that and think a little positive. I can't be negative my whole life. Well as it seems everything turned out for the best when I was very pessimistic, not in the middle like I've lived for years but I don't know. Life always has a weird way of making everything work. Although we always complain at home it kind of feels nice at times. We started praying 2 days ago and it felt a little relieving. I can't say I like to do it all the time but right now that we are all doing it as a family and Danny is picking up some of those customs it makes me complete inside. It's so cute because Danny tries to do the cross... Also for a couple of weeks now I have really come down on his potty training and I have to say I am happy that he is telling us more often that he has to go potty although he forgets more than he tells us. Well it start almost when he had just turned one, because he started giving us hints and well I took them and would take him but for some reason they stopped for a while but I guess is a lot more ready now.  I don't know I guess I am kind of happy right now, I don't have much to complain about and if I do the good outweighs the bad for now.

Good times, Good times... although I do miss a lot of my friends. It just seems like we have parted so much. I know I have never felt in but I just don't feel like I have them much anymore. I sometimes wonder if it's true or if it's my imagination. I know I can't ask these questions, it's stupid. I know I have them there if I need them or at least their parents would help. I don't know, sometimes I just over analyze things and I do that way too much! But you know what some of my other friends I don't mind that we don't talk as much as we are as close or closer sometimes. I wonder why it bugs me of some and not of others. What must be my perception of a friend and now can their distance make a difference if we all have our lives, right. Well now that I think about it it must be that I really try with some and they just will not try back while others I just know that when we talk we understand and help each other out. I guess it's the outcome of when we are united that makes the most sense. I mean I miss them all but I just feel neglected from others and sometimes that makes me real sad. You know the thought of becoming lonely for good like I was my eight grade here. I sometimes think of how this town has become my little prison but the thing that it gave me were inmates and now they are all going free and I still remain in my own bitter life. I guess I have always been destined to have what I have. And it's not that I am depressed because I am not. Depression is one thing anybody, including yourself can identify. And I know what it feels like before and trust sometimes I just wish I can cry to feel something. This empty happiness sometimes just doesn't cut it for my daily life. I'll be honest, it's FUCKING boring. I play with Danny and that gives me some satisfaction but not what I need. I just don't have anybody my age to hang out with. I would love to go to the movies, vegas, baseball games, basketball games, fuck even football games... I just need to get out. Ever since danny was born I was thrown back home to never get out. My mom asks"why don't you have a boyfriend" and gee I just want to respond well because you wont watch Danny to give me a minute for myself. I had opportunities a few times and I just blew them off. I know I could have tried harder but it always consist of having to lie to my parents and I get to fucking fed up of always having to feed them lies. It's so god damn easy to lie to them or just make an excuse for anything I get bored with life. Sometimes I just make up a phony excuse I am going to the store just to leave and breath. Everybody is always asking what I am going to do later on, if I am going to go somewhere, just anything. If I say I don't know well their comeback then is where are you going, with you? what time because I want YOU to take me somewhere. I have no life but being a fucking chauffeur, and being whinned about why I don't give money when I am not receiving money. Geez, people. Give me a fucking break... I am working on it all. Soon I'll have enough money for my loans and hopefully to move out and then I could figure out something... I NEED OUT! I just need to leave California for a while. It will do me a lot of good, a lot. Maybe Oregon, I heard it's nice out there or well many have suggested that I go up north, they say it's my kind of place and that I would love it! Well I will see... Maybe that is what I need a break from everything and everyone. Maybe just me and Danny, maybe.  I don't know....time, close time will tell all...

So I am a little tired but finally happy that I "start working" on thursday well officially. Dang going just drains me. I am so tired today I want to go to sleep...  I think I have to go wash and I am doing some rearranging. Well I took down all the pictures I had threw alway the things I used to hold them up, not the frames and put them all in boxes. I didn't do that do all of them but well most of them. I only kept so far me and Danny and well just the most recent ones... Need new pictures... so cold, so tired and I want to go to Minnesota for a long ass vacation... maybe live there. I need to leave for real. I have nothing here and I am sure there are better things out. I don't know, something will come up real soon!!