so how would you feel is a love you once had never ever meant anything to the person... you know the one you once gave your  heart to and now that the truth was unveiled it all felt like a lie and in vain....

So wow, graduation is on Saturday. Wow, I can't imagine it's here. The day that I have been waiting for, for 4 years. It almost feels like nothing but I don't know why. It's kind of sad... hmm... maybe I will feel it once I am up there walking but in all honest truth I don't even want to do that. I don't want to walk but I know that if I don't do it then I will probably be mad at myself and I will disapoint my parents. I know they have been waiting for this momenet ever since I had Danny. What a better present than their oldest daughter and first to go to college to graduate. I guess. I don't know why I am not happy about it. I should be stoked and jumping for joy but I guess I just realize that living easy is now completely gone and although it has not been all that easy in the last few years it's about it get harder with more life changing challenges. But whatever it's part of life and although I do like to complain about it I know that it will only get better. Well I do pray to God about it. I know there are things that I hope will happen and I just hope I will be happy. How much can a person live in misery to realize that that is life and it's time to move and make life a place more livable.
As I keep moving foward I know I feel people behind but I never forget how much of an impact all those people have had on me. Yes even those that have maybe only spoken to me once. Sure sometimes I don't always remember but I do. Small talks and conversations mean a lot to me and that is what has given me my best memories in Redlands. Those people who I only talk to once and gave them a piece of my life or that they gave me a piece of theirs. A special gift only given to a stranger you know you most likely will never speak to again, later to realize that friends, of friends, know those strangers. haha I know confusing but the fact is the it is a small world but it's not as small of a close knit community as we lived when we lived in the U of R. My friends, sisters and brothers I have in redlands mean the world to me. Take them all out and I have nothing. It's hard to see myself without them even though we are moving on to better lives( I hope) their support, their kind words, their truth, honesty, and forever commitment makes it all worth while. How about those late night runs to go eat or even sit down at Denny's in the middle of the night when we knew we had an 8 o'clock class and a major test. It was all those small things that helped release all the stress, the hanging out and dancing that will stay forver

So I have come to realize that thanks to God I am going to graduate in a few more months... I thank Him for bringing me dispair and none the less the joy my life needed, which is of course Danny. I know for a Long time I was not being a good girl and in all he still manage to give me a blessing.
Well this Friday I am going to start teaching, which makes me feel proud of myself. I am going to have a little extra money, yay! I have my prerecital in 2 weeks and I am going crazy but I am praying it will go very well.

So I finally got a paper workshoped in Fiction... I was excited at first but no that I read everybody's comments I am left in total shock. I know I workd very hard on this piece, I spend weeks correcting and even had my tutor revice it like 3 times and had 2 other sources revise it but it still wasn't good enough. One guy told m that it seems like I didn't spend enough time on it, if he only knew how much I had actually spend then I would truly be the laughing stock of the class. I know I am not great at english but I do try, don't get me wrong. I took that class to complete and LAF with the tutoring thing I needed and thought it would be fun but now I just feel miserable. I wish I could only write half as well as they did and then I would be in great shape.  I feel sad that I am not great at speaking Spanish or English, so you would ask what can you speak right and that is where I would say Silence, which I wouldn't be speaking more lie not saying anything... someday:(

I guess I could complain all day but that isn't going to do very much...

yup yup

so I had an ok day, I was nostalgiac for a while which made me a lil sad but my writing tutor said that she liked my story today so that made me very happy . I saw miyah today I was happy for that. I got to talk to Sarah and Regina and that was nice. It feels nice! Well I talked to Keith over the phone a lil but he was on his way to good gear and I needed my bottle , I waited for an hour and then he said he still needed more time so I sadi I would leave and try again prolly tomorrow. He's a character, well all my friends are,lol. I gotta love them all. Without them I wouldn't be where I am at or be with my lil danny boy.

finally found him

 So yeah today was the first time that I went to go talk to somebody. His name is Chris, he is white , like 5'10" dirty blond/ light brown sort of half way spiked and messy at the same time hair, blue eyes, dressed a lil preppy but I was able to talk to him. So I put that I had never gone there but I guess he found the record... anad asked if I had gone like 2 years ago and I said yes because it was true. After we had talked for a long time and we talked about suicide stuff he asked me if I ever had the real strong thoughts if I would call the office and stuff so they can get help for me. It was kind of funny because I was sort of going around the question and answering vague answeres but he finally told so can you tell me that you will do it... and I guess I had to say yes. But I asked in reality do you really think that I would call and he looks at me and said yes he does. I don't know but he was easier to talk to, I liked the way he tried to make me feel better and pretended to know that I was smart and beautiful.  He was trying to make me feel better, and he knew I was looking at him, he understood my facial expressions which I like because I was communicating without words at points. HE is going to be a great psychologist when he gets older. I mean I was talking from my heart and telling him stuff and he was very calm about it. He was able to talk to me and I liked that he tried to talk. I even asked him for examples of things so that he can explain a lil bit more... So for next week and suppose to suppose to think of a few different ways that will help me communicate my feeling I have to my parents b/c of how they make me feel. I have thought of 2 so far: I know I can write them a letter and leave for the day so that they can think and when I can get back we can think or I can get them together like how I did when I told them I was pregnant but I know I am going to start crying before I even talk and I almost feel like they are going to think I am pregnant again which would be very funny( well not really) but I think he is going to help me a little. He seems very motivated and a very good listener. He is kind of cute, what am I talking about he is cute. haha don't worry I know nothing can ever happen I am never their type and besides I am fat, nobody likes a fat chick that is why Art left me and I haven't been able to find anybody.  Well yup that is that....