Nothing's wrong mind you...
But something I get these thoughts and I know they're not nice or good... I try fighting them making and them go away. I've been hiding them them forever. It's like they just don't want to leave me. Lately they've been worse and I feel so guilty. It burns my inside. I'm trying harder.
All I see is myself at the end of the edge just waiting to leap. It feels like everything will be all better that way. But, then I wonder for who. you know? I just feel like lately I do is put people down, like my mood is disappointing and I'm hating myself for it. I feel needy but who likes that so I repress. I feel a bit anxious too. I'm overwhelmed with myself. It sometimes feel like if I go, everybody would be relieved. it's not like anybody really remembers. But, let's be honest I'm not those kinds of people. I just need a release, and nothing gives it to me. I use to cut to make me feel better from this place but I can't even do that. There isn't a place I can hide. I don't need time off, I don't need to go away but useless sometimes.
You gotta love these hormones lately. I pity when I feel this way. It's like being on the outside looking in with disgust. All I really want is a drink. I just want to see why other's drink to feel better. I don't want to get drunk though. I wont buy alcohol though. I don't like buying stuff really.
My mind is tired of talking to itself. It's going around in circles it doesn't have clarity at the moment.
I'm a grownup everything is suppose to make sense. Everything is suppose to be together already. As I get older I feel I'm losing control and I feel more like a child. Like with age I'm losing wisdom.
I wake up so many times at night. During the day, time flies... my life is running away... Am I really alive at the moment?
I should really be grateful for life. I have a beautiful son, a loving and caring boyfriend... I have 2 arms and legs ... I get to teach my passion a couple times a month. I don't know what's wrong with me? Why do I feel this way...
Why do the tears not stop at times. Maybe, it's because it's night time?
Other times I really really want a baby... I actually find myself wanting a child for the first time in my life.
Then, I wonder why would I want to ... I feel selfish thinking about the future. Then I fight myself back and forth. The really wanting a child wins but I don't know ... I know I wont be alone. But, I'm afraid of being alone again.
This must all be normal. I don't know... *sigh*
Why does my brain do this... Sometimes it feels like it masks my weakness with strength... I'm not strong at the moment. If somebody were to ask me to explain further, I'd be stumped. I have no explanation for feeling worthless. I just do. i have no reason for wanting to end it, I just have a reasons not to. How can I feel so my discontent when life is beautiful and I see happiness in everyday... That's what I dont get. Why?
And why do I sometimes still feel alone? Am I doing something wrong?
It seems like my heart is racing less so maybe i'm feeling better, for now.
Friday, May 10, 2013
use to be so competitive when I was young. I was not skinny or too athletic but it would never have stopped me to try and have a lil one on one... I had friends who excelled in school so I naturally tried harder. I wanted to come close to their brain capacity. I was ok and kept at it to not stay behind. Competition with them and myself and strive.
I excelled in many ways. I was young so goals were small. I beat them all at the driving test and driving permit. How many did you miss? They were boys... of course they wanted to make sure they knew more than I did. But, when it came down to paper at that point it didn't matter. I felt triumphant. In music many seeked my help and nothing like blowing up my shy, weird, always wearing black, being made fun of by others, self... I didn't care then.Well, i did but then my innocent self who craved love and understanding felt she was forever alone and i understood that then. I wanted small things in life. Well I did want love and to be wanted. But who doesn't.
There was certainly one thing I beat many of my friends. I certainly lost my virginity first and not only that. I was the first to have my very own child, the first to lose hope and get lost. The first to have to grow up, the first to learn the hard way and the first to find herself being dead weight among her friends.
I was the first to lose hope, to be lost and the first again to feel forever alone. It was a funny joke life through at me but I wasn't laughing. I silent most of my life crying in dismay. I learned many things in life , maybe not the hardest way but, in a not so easy manner. The lessons learned have taught me a lot And one thing for sure is for others to avoid this.
Its avoidable pain. Well maybe it's not. I don't know. I'm glad I've learned a lot and I have more.
I still feel lost in life. I met the small goals in life and they took me no where. Feel a victim of certain circumstances but not due to my son that no matter what, was a choice. I hope one day I find another passion that will actually lead me to success. My passion now is A money less investment but a love no less. With the love I have in my life I know everything will fall in place. I pray the economy gets even more so better.
I enjoy going to mass every sunday morning. The three of us go ... Johnson @cucumber_melonhead , my son and I ...
Don't get me wrong there are times where I'm still confused as the one God and there is Jesus (Son of God) and he is the savior and our God but he's not because he's sitting at the right hand of the father. I guess the trinity thing just makes my head hurt over and over. And I read and recite the Nicene Creed every sunday and I hope the it helps and it doesn't when it comes to the trinity. Sure, I shouldn't even think about it but I can't help it.
What will happen when my son is of age and starts wondering, how shall I answer him? he's only 7, but still.
When we go to mass johnson leaves halfway... well doesn't just leave. He's dismissed. He started going to RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) courses at the church where I go to mass, of course in case you didn't know, I'm Roman Catholic.
He's going to go into his 2nd year. He found something within the church that has brought him closer to God and of course We feel that God brought us together. He helps me understand so many things and I know there will be challenges. But, they should make us stronger and united as long as we keep communication.
The end and starting plan of course is to be married. And if it were just up to the state, I think somehow we might be married or not I don't know. But, he wants to get married under the church and have the ritual just like I use to want to as a little girl.
Could I have been blessed anymore? I probably doubt it.
A more special man, there is not. Don't get me wrong he does make me mad at times (And I hope this isn't the first he finds out, and I know I'm at fault too, since it's hard for me to express myself at times. I rather cry it out to myself like it's a tantrum than say something that probably means nothing) ... You know I vowed myself to TRYnot be a nagging person or say stupid things like things that I always use to see girls get mad with their guys. it looks so stupid. I have found myself being as stupid as they act and sometimes I find it unreasonable so why show it to someone so I keep it to myself... yup I do...
I found out that guys don't pay attention to somethings anyways... so it's not all their fault. It's our fault for sometimes having false expectations. But, is it so wrong, at times... to want more? Maybe it is... because I'm sure they want more at times but don't say anything. And they're not, and so we're not mind readers either.
I hope I never make anyone feel trapped or burdened.
I always pray for patience and understanding. Goodness, do I need it at times!!!
More importantly I give thanks everyday because without life and the challenges I have, I would be nothing or no one.
It's been about a month since I had wrote about my son and his possibility of being retained in first grade for a second year. I send a note to the teacher on friday and she called me back today. I am pleased to say that she has confirmed that he is doing much better in school. His writing and reading has improved. He's still weak in the subjects but there has been improvement. We're both hopeful that he might just make it unto the second grade. I've been a little more on him. And I know it's less play but it's working. It's tough on me too since I've been more tired and exhausted. I definitely look forward to fridays all the time. The end of the school year is almost here .. maybe like 3-4 more weeks or so we gotta keep going strong until the end. I'm going to have to keep him busy over the summer as well. It will do him some well. He seems like he's starting to like books more again. This makes me happy.
I also signed up today for first aid/ CPR class... I hope this will help me seek out some employment at the school districts not counting the finger printings I have to do. I need something and no matter what I have to as a job. I pray to god that this will be a start. this was preventing me from some jobs are school sites but I couldn't afford it then. I have hope... I have hope... *crossing fingers* I'm pretty desperate. This person is also seeing about helping me get a sub- part time for pre-schools... So I really hope.
This morning I go into my mother's room and as I'm ready to open my mouth her phone rings. It's ok, it happens a lot. She gets calls a lot it's part of her business. But, I don't know what it is today. I'm just feeling I don't know what I feel today. I guess a little sad, like last night I felt a little un-noticed for the first time and I didn't know what to think or feel. It just felt something. routine already. a little disappointed.
I go in to talk to my mom and she's busy again. maybe attention or someone to listen to me, I don't know anymore... I wanted to tell her about about a book the bf left me and I looked into the cpr class I need and the cost.... Once the phone rang I didn't matter anymore.
A couple hours later, I hear her in the kitchen and once again determined I go. And she is still on the phone with the same person. I finally tell her about the class and she says I have the money to do it. So I told her for the misunderstanding with the school district again and not getting my stipend. She said that I could get a lawyer. There's no case for $600-800... they forgot to put I'm staff so no money... I didn't know what I wanted her to say but the more she talked the more I ended up getting upset that she put me second. Maybe I'm being selfish.
She asked why I was upset. So I told her I wasn't upset. So she asked why I was upset at her? I was thinking it and I was going to tell her that she always puts her phone first. I didn't, I couldn't ... I just left. Maybe I'm too hard on everything.
We went to Disneyland on Monday 03-18-13. It was the first time my son had an opportunity to go.
pics are kind of backward...Oops!! Johnson was by himself in the Buzzlight Year ride... :(My son and I took on the aliens together! My son's first time button! =D Our Expensive hats... too expensive but the memories!! Theirs are in cursive because it was the cheaper engrave-ment = $3... Mine was $7 because they said that my hat was thicker... Talk about rip-offs. This was at the end of the night right before we were about to leave. Look at my honey's poor right eye! I gave him pink eye, which I had the week before. :( But, he still looks handsome!! =D My son looks happy here. You know why? He was just given this bubble machine. And for free... We had just bought him his hat and he was pouty because he was falling asleep in line waiting for the roger rabbit ride. And he was tired and bored. He hated the lines and made sure we knew every second. When we were about to pay for hat he told the cashier that he was unhappy because we wouldn't let him get everything he wanted. If only that place wasn't so expensive. Picture is a little blurry but it's one of my favorites. We were in line waiting for "It's a small World" ride. My feet were tired and we finally sat down for a couple minutes. That in the red is my brother Orland and the girl is his girlfriend. They happen to go on the same day we were there. It was my brother's last day of leave before he went back to the Marines. He had just finished bootcamp. Many beautiful places there! =D The moment we walked into the park! =D This was part of our lovely trip. It was very very exhausting but it was an eye opener for my son. He knew he wouldn't get his way the way he wanted the whole time. He wants to go again and I would to take him again but I don't know if I can handle taking him again unless a little friend goes or he's more patient.Frankly I wouldn't mind going back just myself and Johnson. We would be able to get on all the rides we want. I don't know. We will see what happens in the near future. To begin with Disneyland is so expensive. I wish it was more affordable. But, maybe one day I'll have nice income to afford the luxury. Someday, I hope.
As I deal with my more and more, I understand why my mother and father would do what they did for me and my siblings. I know back in the day parents were a lot more strict and I know I'm a little strict but not as bad they were. Even though now, sometimes I wished I was.
With today's way of living, I can handle an "I hate you" many times over and its because I love my son that much. He's said it a few times and believe me you those first few time it hurt my feelings. I couldn't believe that what I was doing to protect him made him so upset he would yell at me that he hated me.
Never would have said that to my parents myself, I would have been beaten. Lol Not beaten in an abuse way but in an you better understand or you'll get more of this. And I understood. Sure sometimes I was a little scared but would still do what I wanted as a child.
Now that I'm not a child I see things in a different light. I understand more things that I wished I understood when I was young. I was always pretty understand. Well, I was able to comprehend why they couldn't buy me everything I wanted or needed but maybe because I was the oldest. My siblings couldn't... they whined about it. I can just see my son in them.
He acts like a spoiled brat, self righteous ... always wanting it his way. The funny thing is that he acts this way and yet he doesn't get it all. Well sometimes. It's hard being a single mom and bringing up a child. I have more help now. But, the child is still hard and stubborn. Many things he doesn't understand and doesn't want to.
As parents we're going to do what we need to give the opportunity of success. I've cried, been frustrated, and cried some more but I won't stop until the message I want my son to have is embedded. He needs to know what I want him to know. He will one day understand. And that's what keeps me going.
I need to know that when he has kids of his own, he will allow himself to be hated for their greater good! and for his fortune, I hop he wont be a single parent but if he was. He would understand everything even more.
