Who's Gonna Drive You Home

Who's going to drive you Home...

Sometimes we just need a friend there.

Cut my hair?

See, there tends to be a trend with me about my hair and it started it out with the first time that I was really upset and angry and continued on despite friends suggestions (male persuasion) not to. If first was a way to scream at the world and yell at it. At the time the only one most affected and upset besides a few close friends was my bf at the time. He was the cause of it well a big reason. I don't remember what stupid thing he did then but he was good at making me cry without reason (his personal way of saying, I care... jk. He apologized years later).  But I thought the world cared but the reality was that the only one punished was me. I was the one who had to live with it. See I have dark thick hair and some people loved it... so I figured they loved it... chop chop...
I have been wanting to let my hair grown almost down to my waist but I see it isn't going to happen.
And now, I don't cut my hair seeking out to punish those who love my long dark(almost natural black) hair. Instead, there comes a point where something has either caused me a big change that makes me just want to add to the change and sometimes start over. It's not like it's something new, I do it because it helps me cope. And not only that it makes me learn why I don't like to do it after all... Lol... kind of contradictory. I want to and I don't but I do but I'm confused... and this is how I sound in my head. And I know some will say it's up to you... well, it kind of is but it's up to you too. 
Those are my hair last year summer of 2010

This is my hair right now...
and if I do cut it would be about 9 & 1/2 inches...
from the bottom my hair is like 11 inches ... so the bottom would end up being 1 &1/2 inches would would still leave the rest of my hair at a semi short/long layer... right under my chin.
This was my hair like 3 years ago...


 So what do you say...

YES or NO ??   

... to cutting my hair.

CBEST options, any advice??

I had kind of given up the option of even considering being a teacher. I don't know if I would want to but I guess it can be an option. With my music degree since I don't quite have a subject I know I can be an elementary teacher. I can...  I was kind of waiting on the thought because I wanted another subject so in case I did want to teach at maybe middle school level or high school. I know I'm kind of shy with a room full of people and I get nervous, I can't imagine being one of the many teachers who have loved teacher and were broken down by the student... Eeek ... I know I'm getting ahead of anything but I think for the first time in a long time I can see where my life is starting to go even if it just might be subbing, you know?
So, Yesterday I was at the high school where I do Clarinet sectionals on mondays and every other wednesday I teach lessons on individual basis. I'm in the district (took forever) because I had to get a certificate to be a "coach" (that's what we've called but I teach)  from the Commission on Teacher Credentialing (CTC) which I did... The hardest part was getting into the district... it took well over a year the first I applied and that was with the aide of 2 teacher vouching for me and recommending for said jobs...
So those same 2 teacher are asking me to take the CBEST. They were my guides and inspiration in high school, during college and post they have been the 2 who have manage to get me  hired tutoring and teaching music... now they're asking I get my CBEST for I can sub. I was kind of hating my self because if I would have had it by now, I could have been closer to getting small jobs... there is no waiting list apparently which means there are some jobs. And more importantly the school needed a Resident Sub available which would be an awesome opportunity and I killed it with not being responsible. Not like I knew but would have had it to help me out. (I would whine and complain about why I don't and why I failed it the first time --- yes, I know... I was stupid and rushed through it too fast) but wont do that again and I'm going to study. It was, and this is why I hate myself I got depressed I didn't pass the easy test so I didn't try again.
I was looking at the date and the next test date is on December 3rd, 2011... which gives me 2 months of heavy studying... One of the reasons I started writing a bit more on xanga was to just practice writing which is (obvious) one of my biggest weaknesses.   So I have 2 months to study and once the test is taken then the results come at the end of the month.
or
I saw they have a new feature or option (which ever) is to do the reading and math online and I assume the writing is still writing or I don't know if it's typed. The plus of this test option is that I would have the reading and the math immediatly once the test finished. The writing will still take it's time because I'm sure it needs to be read but at least 2 out of the 3 scores would be known.

All I know is I have to study, Study, STUDY!!!!!!!

I'm a really nervous test taker... I'm going to take as many practice test for reading and math to feel comfortable but you any of who have suggestions?

flash backs... fun times

When people read back to my old entries I can't help but to reread what they're reading or what they read. And it always makes me laugh. I've come a long, long, loooooooooooooooong way...  When a friend versaxyman introduced to me Xanga in 2004 it suddenly became my public diary.  The thing though was that I was already half sane by then just pretty down and confused in life. I had my chance to be a mean "me" ... my friends were kind of mean but I think I surpassed... maybe bullied them a bit, I don't know I was looking for myself. I never found her, but I've it's a process with life. Back when I was younger I was a little strong or my friends were a little weak. When they started getting more strength I started backing down, lol... I enjoyed being part of the group like one of the boys because that meant I could hang out like whatever and they didn't see me as a girl. The problem was wheni started developing crushes... luckily they didn't. But, those were fun times... rough play, hand wrestling, movies, just what ever... and no nothing like the show "Friends" ... I was always good at throwing indirectives? to people, never was too confrontational especially after the boys (that's what he always called them even to today "the boys") got stronger so I sorta fell back into girl mode but still had a big mouth and maintained my shy reputation, just my friends knew me... like 4-6 out of the college campus. I look back, and smile and tear up of all the good and sad, and angry... yes, my friends thought I was an angry person, they thought i needed to be kept happy. I guess it was just moments of trying to have control when I had lost all my control I thought I had. I still remember being in college and friend talk about me from high school. thank goodness most of high was a blur... because if I remember me how they remember me, you'd be having some big laughs.
In high school, I was very competitive especially in music and I wanted to always show I was the best. That's just the best part. I was deathly shy but my clarinet wasn't. I wore all black... I was almost gothic like except no spikes or didnt' hang out with the goths... I was a loner, emo, goth band nerd... lol. I was interested in learning about witch craft then. It was something assuming or for fun. Because I was a little off I had weird nick names... none of which I remember, or knew. well, actually my friends I have now sometimes called me witch... well since I was so shy and they were drama folk as well, hey I joined drama. I was a follower of them (big time) I got a part of Hecate ( A witch, or the main witch in Macbeth) for Shakespeare festival the problem was I couldn't act. I was too nice when I needed to be mean.  well I petitioned until they made a Mocktrial in school, I was interested in going into Law and being a defense lawyer... oh well kids dreams. But, I was too shy to play a main role like a lawyer or expert witness. They said I had an innocent face *smiles* so I was the defendent very much like that one trial in Florida... Parental neglect (supposedly) and the child died and the other child was testifying against mother. So since my character's  kid died I was suddenly "Baby killer" and I did a pro-life presentation for english and had this ugly poster... so kids from my french class from that started calling me "baby killer" as well and they didn't even know I had that nick name already.
In music, I had blondy (I had this awful streak in my hair when I was 15), speedy... and so many others but I was a small dictator taking over sections and invading nicely just to take over. See then, I knew of friend take overs, they never knew what hit them. Lol I was helping out everybody while being successful with mine. I did it all. I was a tyrant section leader in love with the power I had. I see section leaders and i think whimps not because they are but because they can't handle or manage their section. My successors all modeled their technique on me but they never won section leader of the year... me twice in the 3 yrs we competed... My sophomore year and senior year. Dedication.
I still teach kids leadership the thing is their section whines and they just give up. I didn't. And they're afraid to be mean and that they'll lose friends over it. Business is one thing, and friendship another... I've learned this the hard way. Or making business into friends, it will end bad. Two of my close friends now, they were drum majors  and I was rank leader, section leader and concert master... come concert season and we had same authority according to the SOP (standard Operating Procedures) but marching season didn't like them at all... after school we're all cool but class.. all business. See that's how it works or don't fraternize.
There was been many changes. I gone through man phases... I've been made fun of because I was weird, because I had a crush on this boy and he sat next to me, because I wore imitation shoes (and could get nikes) because I would go from wearing all black for months and then suddenly contrast and wear all white once... I never heard the end of that one... Still remember those stupid coloroid pants.
If I have learned anything will looking back is that I should just laugh. It might have been hurting and I was silly but in 10 yrs i will be laughing again. I sometimes go back to my journal I did when I first moved... You wanna know weird... the covers written in blood it was my first form of a release. I was really down, and i just wanted to be put down even more. I was 14...
Here's to 20 more years and look back and laugh at my own self for being silly.
Thank goodness I can pull of the wearing black without giving off the gothic vibe. 

My search (of peace and faith not religion)

I know I've been doing a lot of searching for quite some time and more defined since like March or actually since before. But then it was when I actually started considering more things and well it changed me a bit. I opened my eyes to know. I know I have my phases but it's something that's continuous. I've been trying to figure out things for a while but finding myself... I know I have times where I fall and it happens to us all at different points. I've been asking questions, I've been going with my doubts and been asking and yes I've been praying. I know a while back I wrote about being agnostic, it was nice to have have some support and then others helped with more questions and guidance in their way which really helped me even more. I have really considered so many things. I have come to realize that even some drinking makes me sick so I have really minimized the lil consumption I ever had. I opened my eyes to so many things.
Whether it might be indoctrination or whether I've come to this conclusion on my own but I just can't let go of the feeling of believing there is more and we can't just  be alone. Don't get me wrong I don't believe everything word for word the bible says, science and the evolution of life is very important but anyways... I not arguing for one side or the other... I'll let that fight go within those experts who believe they know more than the other side and never meet and agreement.
I'm not depressed.I've realized that I've never been as happy as I am now but for some reason I can't hold back the tears. No, not denial but I'm just a little down yet oddly happy. I guess I have a mixture of emotions with the contrasting way I feel things are working. I don't know why but it happens, I guess. I've also never quite realize how often I'm getting sick... faster and for longer times but it's something that happens, I assume. I was looking at myself (thinking wise, not in the mirror, haven't use that in a while) earlier today realizing that I've entered the mode I was in a few years back... And it's been going on for a small while but it wasn't obvious, it's something I just realized today. I guess this part comes with feeling. People have show some interest and I just don't care, I just go on my day... it has a logical or illogical reason, which ever you choose.
I got up this morning after going to sleep late (I was trying to fix my play list- very and completely random) and well I slept on the floor. It's uncomfortable but it surely helped kinda... I thought we were going to go to mass at 11:30 but parents wanted to go earlier so we went at 10... I will admit (and I hardly admit this) but I was just teary eyed, a tear one by one just slowing escaping from my eyes. (I think my hormones are out of wack) I had to put on at least Mascara and eyeliner to go to church, I haven't worn make-up for a while but You never go to mass looking like a sleepy slob, so something discrete was good.
We found a place to sit. There was this little girl in front of us, maybe 18 months, I was clearing my tears discretely I was sitting in between my parents, I didn't want them to know, much less ask if anything was wrong. Or they know better to ask now, no one ever talks anyways. But, this little girl was staring and smiling... I moved to the side slightly because I wasn't sure if she was looking at me or someone behind but she was looking at me. She was so cheerful and happy. It brought warmth to my heart. But, seeing so little, innocent little girl made it harder to contain my tears. I don't know why she was looking at me and smiling. I know I was, I was listening and looking up until I saw her. She did make me smile and I did feel peace. But, I decided I wasn't going to take communion this Sunday, I don't really have much reason but I do. I guess when I should have gone, I didn't. Not good but it done.
This is not about religion, this is about me. I know I'm sounding selfish. Some people tell me to be more selfish, so I try to be, at least some, when I write. So, with everything that has happened I can't deny what I have been shown. I don't know about hell or whether it doesn't  exist but that's truly not any motivation. It's about feeling peace within and trying to project it. There have always been many conflicts in which I wish I was able to run away and friends have accused me only the ones who have truly known me for who I am and yes some of it is true mainly because I've always wanted  a fresh beginning. But it dawned to me that regardless of where I go or when it happens there is opportunity for a new beginning. I don't have to be out searching for it to happen 24/7 or dreaming of it because it will happen when it needs to. Anything that happens in life is an opportunity for a new beginning. For the longest time my parents wanted to send to Minnesota to start new out there with family but I just couldn't leave. I know what I do teaching lessons isn't much but it means a lot to those students and the director. In fact I know I'm going to leave that position open in sometime in the near future. I love it but the time is coming where moving on will need to happen.
so anyways back to what I was talking about, I have not stopped attending mass even when I was having my doubts. In fact, just as people proposed, I prayed even more. I've been dumb to deny how many prayers get answered. They do, and many wont believe but that's basically why. You can't pray without believing or some sort of faith in something. I'm not going to say God works in mysterious way because I frankly don't know and to be honest I don't care how He does his job... Just as I don't like people over my shoulder questioning everything I do about what I know best. I still have my questions and doubts about doctrine but who hasn't in thousands of years. Many religions have come out of it, in fact. But, I do wonder and think about how many people have some sort of faith in something they don't quite understand.... Most call it different names[ Insert name of your religion or belief] I don't know but that's a huge part of the world. Some have one or many (Gods) but the fact that so many people believe has to show more than nothing. I know, I know ... I know what some of you are thinking and truly I'm not trying to convince you of anything, I don't care what you believe or why you don't.
There is no need to prove or disprove anything... what's the point? Only arguments and hurt feelings come out of it. We can let the experts fight all they want we all know there isn't a solid conclusion.
Lately, the writing I'm doing have left room in my heart for so much peace and so many unanswered questions I have that will never get an answer. But, I do have my small joys. My students trust me so much that when they're excited when it comes to their playing practicing or questions they text me and ask. Since their freshmen year I prepare them to become leaders in the ensemble. They make me believe there is still hope in kids to want music. I told the director about what I wanted to do in the city if I was able to move back I wanted to try and get into the surrounding schools like elementary and middle schools... and start seeing if kids want private lessons there. The problem with the music program now is that the programs have been cut mostly and there is minimal encouragement. I want the high school to have students who play at a higher level than beginning. Because either way through sectionals or lessons I have to get them prepared to know how to audition, scales, sight reading. I can do it ... well Anyways I was dreaming for a sec... but I hope I can open doors slowly.
But, this is why I'm believing and why I am happy and conflicted in a sense but it's normal for it to happen I know.

Sorry about being all over the place... and this is why I'm a little crazy my mind is thinking of everything at the same time so I never think straight. It's like when I drive... I'm looking for far ahead that I'm thinking of my strategy on how I'm going to get there and manage to weave myself out of the car on my side, and in front... I'm thinking ahead but I'm trying to figure how to get out of it in the now.
Ok, that's enough.

A date?

Well, yesterday I was asked out on a date.... this guy has been bugging me for  a while. I'm not attracted to him. he started a few months ago and I told him that I had a different interest and was talking to someone else...  I guess that has fallen apart and it's not an illusion. There was something there but I am mystified anyways that is what it is.... And what bugs me in my mind the most is that I'm so easily able to move on after. I do take time off more than typically especially since the last guy I dated more serious and ended about a year ago. I talk to interesting people, more odd than normal which I love. So, he's been asking me and asking me if I was still talking to so and so person.... and it really came to me if you have to ask yourself if you talking to a person and really question it... either you are and no boundaries are set or you're not and no boundaries were identifiable broken so means you're not? I don't know so I never really responded. I guess the thing is that I let some flirting go to far... but regardless I was just being vague ...
It's not that I was playing hard to get but geez if I was a guy I would have quit. Either he must really like me... or he's obsessed... and right now I'm don't know what he would like because I'm not liking myself currently but that's my issues, or why he would be obsessed which goes in hand with my last issue.... Just like all guys I gone out with they're not people I would really show off ... not that I'm pretty I just don't care about them... and it makes me think that I just shouldn't go... a couple friends have said well it's Knott's scary farm, go and enjoy, it's only a date and no commitment.  I'm broke. So I tried turning  him down with that... and he offered to cover everything. I guess in a sense I've been lucky all guys like to pay even though I like that but I feel bad because at the same time I wouldn't mind paying. If I like a guy, hey I will treat him completely.
The last small date I went out with Jeff before I invited him to  a coffee. haha not much but it was something. He's a music director in Fontana and I work for another director. They're competitive so they mildly dislike each. I'm like an assistant/ slash just there teaching my own thing so he knew I didn't and don't make much... but I tried. He was going to try and pay but I didn't let him. It's small things and I did like him and do like some guys until they suddenly disappear for like month. I don't care if they have lives they can do what they need to and I don't mind typically but don't always expect me to be waiting for them after it if they just say I'm busy with work or I just disappeared and just got back. I've only cared about one person enough to worry regardless but go figures it was the only one who it probably didn't matter. Was all sweet right before departure but something must have changed... which in a sense is good.
So a date isn't a commitment so I don't know. See the thing is that I'm trying to talk my self into it more than trying to talk my self out of it and it shouldn't be that way. I don't know. He wanted my number yesterday and I didn't give it to him. I don't know how people lose number but I have the upper hand. I have his... I have had his for a while. He asked me to text him and I said no... yes, I'm a brat sometimes. I just don't want to lead him on if I don't want to so why text him and let him to think. I never agreed and said I would think about it. He wanted me to text him today and I said I would depending on how I felt. I really didn't feel like dealing with him.
I haven't been in a mood to talk to anyone. I tried to talk to jeff a little but he's always busy. He's doing wrestling, plus all his music classes and he does it all himself because he doesn't trust any one to help (his OCD takes over big time) but we spoke briefly, I knowing how much he works respects his time.
He is one person I messed up with. knowing he liked me since college and let life happen. I wouldn't have gone out with him anyways then. We had been talking for a while online and I never knew he had a gf... well what am I saying I messed up... he did... mine was just a matter of reaction on not being stuck in the situation. Fuck... I'm just rambling now...

I'm sorry

I am sorry I really am. I sorry I can't conform to the happiness everybody pretends to be. I'm cynical and selfish. I help out for my own self interest to make you better and sadly I can't feel better. I never have since the age of 11. I know the world isn't going to get better, it keeps getting worse. I had once hoped in my years of pessimism but it has only come to be confirmed, the truth rather than the faith I had to put on humanity. People argue over nonsense, lose friendships over stupidity and people want me to pretend to smile and pretend sometimes my heart isn't suppose to cry tears of blood. Well no, I guess that pain doesn't matter as long as I smile to you and pretend it's ok...
I'm sorry you fix your world by pretending or by ignoring. All I really do is hide it from the world when I can, it does get to a point when it's too much and I feel like I'm going to burst or do something stupid. I don't like to pretend always although I do smile here and there, I just don't always tell all the time. I mean what's the point when you're the only one who cares at the end of the day. Why does it matter if you're the only one that can change the outcome... And no, you haven't been able to yet. Sometimes you seem helpless, not your intention and you know you're no damsel in distress, you can do it but it hasn't happen yet as we plan or how we want it. Sometimes people treat you like that since you don't have anything, they feel they can treat you like that... well who needs charity when it's in self interest to make you feel bad. A few bucks go a long way... always.
Patience, Patience, Patience... is all I've heard for more than 15 years... 15 years of writing and talking to my self and trying to understand why things happen and why when I write I make them sound like a crazy person. Over analyzing and accidently feeling mislead. And why it makes sense to others and I'm still in the dark. And at the time I know it all, I just can't fix it. Or I hold on because deep down I hope and then I feel like it happens always. And it's my fault. I start thinking of when I started asking questions and why nobody is there. People are there, but why can't I open my mouth. Why am I the dark one while they all laugh and drink and have fun. Why it's always been me ... then I figured it's because I'm in front of this stupid computer. I just want to get away from this world but it's where people understand... and once they do, you feel lost again. I've met great people and even had a great connection with a few but I will never get to meet any of them. I wont, let's just be realistic. I would love to... but... it always fades...
I guess what I have to realize that at the end... it will all be what I make of it.
I wondered what it would be like to live in the city with crowds of people all in the surroundings. But,  I see those people and they make me sad. They are exactly how I see myself from the outside. I already live in the deserted city. Everybody is here around but "I" am the same and my personality isn't going to change. I feel the guilt of the world coming down and I can't get them off me. I don't know why...


Ok, I feel better... sorry about the vagueness and sorry about apologizing but it's only fair. I'm sorry you read this. Sorry it was boring. And sorry it doesn't matter to you. I'm just sorry... You can't tell me not to say it...