I know we as women shouldn't jump the gun and start assuming before anything is true and besides everybody nowadays is always so busy anyways. Since he tried skyping, the night I fell asleep early, after he didn't show up he hasn't tried contacting me. Now, I am starting to feel guilty and I know I do this... you know over analyzing things when I know I shouldn't. No message no nothing but I don't want to be the first to send him a message. I guess it's the first time in life when I have had the need to feel a lil pride. I am always the type of girl who has been walked all over, told what to do and so on... for once I would like him to try again, well that is if he wants. But, I don't know...
He can be thinking the same thing about me contacting him first but from the get go there was a purpose which hasn't become the objective according to his schedule so us actually meeting and talking is secondary to his objective so if he's actually serious we will find out. I would really like to talk to him but I will hold back and wait... *sigh*
Friday, July 2, 2010
Thursday, July 1, 2010
same story different person
So I finally got to speak to a friend Maria after years...we caught up in life and we're in the same boat somehow. Well same but different. She has a child like I do... came back from Iraq and got married but now is unhappily married and well you know where that leads... She actually wants to finish school so she can go and become and officer for the Marines but she is still deciding since it would mean she would have to leave her daughter behind for a year.
Anyways, we were talking a little of the past. More so of how there was a guy in our pasts who then we really didn't know who they were (well we did know them but in the sense of how much they meant to us) but they liked us and well with our insecurities of shit happening in our lives during those moments we didn't come to realize how much they actually meant to us. Now, and we're both talking and learning this about each other... now we realize that everything that we were seeking in a man is there in that one guy we just didn't give a chance to which regrettably is too late. But we don't lose hope but more than likely if our trying to reach out in a way isn't enough then all we can do is keep moving forward and trying dating a schmuck that stands us up... idk...
I think that for she and I we both had to learn a little more about life, patience, understanding, love to understand that we were blind back then to let them go so easily but if we both would have dated those guys then we sadly would have probably not understood their worth and maybe even broken their hearts. We both may have to some degree devastated them but I think that that's a lot better than if we would have actually messed with their heart. We were too young at that moment to understand all the crap that we had in our own lives much less give attention to theirs.
Sometimes sadly, we get in the same page as a person the moment they move on to the next one. And well life always keeps moving forward. Just because we have these guys we think of constantly or wonder how they are... doesn't mean our lives stop going. We just need to keep going until either our paths cross again and if they don't there will be someone with those great qualities somewhere else.
Just as they didn't wait and life just kept going, I think we both have one child and we deserve happiness too... we can't expect someone to love and take us in so easily but we all have a long life...well at least we hope.
Only God knows and He will guide us unto happiness.. It's just a matter of 2 people being on the same level at the same time. It doesn't always happen but it happens more often than we realize. I haven't been on the same page with anyone for most of my life... I think I just give it a try and see what God gives me to choose from... I need to test the waters anyways... But in the back of my mind ... he is still my first thought and sometimes the last one... but life is weird... It's not like I can directly tell anyone that, they would think psycho.. jk but sometimes things get weird... If he has never felt like I do then I prefer a nice friendship for life ... life is simple; we're the only ones who complicate it so much.
Anyways, we were talking a little of the past. More so of how there was a guy in our pasts who then we really didn't know who they were (well we did know them but in the sense of how much they meant to us) but they liked us and well with our insecurities of shit happening in our lives during those moments we didn't come to realize how much they actually meant to us. Now, and we're both talking and learning this about each other... now we realize that everything that we were seeking in a man is there in that one guy we just didn't give a chance to which regrettably is too late. But we don't lose hope but more than likely if our trying to reach out in a way isn't enough then all we can do is keep moving forward and trying dating a schmuck that stands us up... idk...
I think that for she and I we both had to learn a little more about life, patience, understanding, love to understand that we were blind back then to let them go so easily but if we both would have dated those guys then we sadly would have probably not understood their worth and maybe even broken their hearts. We both may have to some degree devastated them but I think that that's a lot better than if we would have actually messed with their heart. We were too young at that moment to understand all the crap that we had in our own lives much less give attention to theirs.
Sometimes sadly, we get in the same page as a person the moment they move on to the next one. And well life always keeps moving forward. Just because we have these guys we think of constantly or wonder how they are... doesn't mean our lives stop going. We just need to keep going until either our paths cross again and if they don't there will be someone with those great qualities somewhere else.
Just as they didn't wait and life just kept going, I think we both have one child and we deserve happiness too... we can't expect someone to love and take us in so easily but we all have a long life...well at least we hope.
Only God knows and He will guide us unto happiness.. It's just a matter of 2 people being on the same level at the same time. It doesn't always happen but it happens more often than we realize. I haven't been on the same page with anyone for most of my life... I think I just give it a try and see what God gives me to choose from... I need to test the waters anyways... But in the back of my mind ... he is still my first thought and sometimes the last one... but life is weird... It's not like I can directly tell anyone that, they would think psycho.. jk but sometimes things get weird... If he has never felt like I do then I prefer a nice friendship for life ... life is simple; we're the only ones who complicate it so much.
stood up
Yeah, well there has to be an excuse... I am sure there probably is and he probably... wait no I am sure he didn't show. People and their wanting chances and shit but when you give it to them... they do what? Fuck up, that's what. He wanted to skype the night before I ended up being too tired after Danny finally fell asleep like almost midnight. I usually don't have time until after danny is knocked out. And he didn't respond until 4 which means he probably went into work at 6... I don't know... during the day he said that we weren't going to meet for the music thing instead he wanted to meet, talk and plan... ok... He asked if I would wait which annoyed already I said yes. I had a lesson that day which was over by 1pm... do you know how much time I had to kill... fucking shit! So I manage to hang out with a friend (which is another story) and we just talked for a while...I went to go do some errands and took my sweet time doing them too...like an hour or a lil more... and then I headed to the starbucks... I manage I can kill time there... use the internet and what not and just wait until 7 when we're suppose to meet. I got there at 6 and sent him a message at which one I was going to be... I don't know where he lives but I know the vicinity and very close...He put ok... I sent him a message an hour before and I think if I'm not being generous that it's enough time to tell me you're running fucking late, seriously. So I was in starbucks and it was so freaking cold... i was shivering but stayed there and wasted time. So it was 7:47 and I decided he was a no show...I can't wait for some stupid guy when I have shit to do at home and worse that it takes me an hour or so there... As I was in the car he sends me a message asking where I was ... So I put heading home... so he put "dam ok" like I'm going to sit around and wait. I actually wanted to leave before that but I was hoping... hoping in vain... He said he had just gotten out... of what, work? Probably not... he probably went to a buddy's house and time just flew off his hands... And he said he would make up to me... How is he suppose to make it up to me if he didn't even have the courtesy to inform me form the beginning...Even if he send me a message at 7saying hey I am running late... I wont be able to make it... at least I would have thought... I knew this was going to happen... which I did but I didn't think he wouldn't say anything until I was leaving... I had a gut feeling he was not going to show but I was hoping he was...
The ride home I was mad... I was ... so upset I had to get a fucking cig to relax... you know how long it's been since i've needed a cig.... months and mostly I've given them away... I've smoked like 3 since like march... and those were like 2 then... 1 me and another we all shared... I had to smoke to relax or I would have been even more so furious... I guess what I couldn't find a lighter...fucking pissed.... So I stopped in some gas station on my way up on highway 138-palmdale just to get a light... it started doing it's job but wasn't enough this time... I guess I was really upset... So upset that when i got home I had an upset stomach... I wanted to throw up... I guess I must have thrown a small tantrum in my body for it to upset itself too.
So I was half asleep well almost all asleep and he sends me a message if I wanted to skype... I was too tired... I guess he understood... but wasn't probably happy that I didn't want to talk to him yet. He doesn't understand how freaking valuable time is and for me to find things to do to buy myself time to wait for him at 7 is really big fucking deal... I guess some just don't understand that... What would they do if it was their fucking time... would they wait around like some bitches do... I guess sometimes we're the stupid ones... we allow ourselves or lower ourselves and for what?
And people tell me, you're find a nice guy... ppsh... yea... where under a fucking rock? I either get some form of a player or... some stupid bitches think I'm with their man... Bitch no... I don't want you're sloppy seconds... They aren't even up to a level where I would even consider... you keep your trash and I'll keep digging for mine. Simple as that!
The ride home I was mad... I was ... so upset I had to get a fucking cig to relax... you know how long it's been since i've needed a cig.... months and mostly I've given them away... I've smoked like 3 since like march... and those were like 2 then... 1 me and another we all shared... I had to smoke to relax or I would have been even more so furious... I guess what I couldn't find a lighter...fucking pissed.... So I stopped in some gas station on my way up on highway 138-palmdale just to get a light... it started doing it's job but wasn't enough this time... I guess I was really upset... So upset that when i got home I had an upset stomach... I wanted to throw up... I guess I must have thrown a small tantrum in my body for it to upset itself too.
So I was half asleep well almost all asleep and he sends me a message if I wanted to skype... I was too tired... I guess he understood... but wasn't probably happy that I didn't want to talk to him yet. He doesn't understand how freaking valuable time is and for me to find things to do to buy myself time to wait for him at 7 is really big fucking deal... I guess some just don't understand that... What would they do if it was their fucking time... would they wait around like some bitches do... I guess sometimes we're the stupid ones... we allow ourselves or lower ourselves and for what?
And people tell me, you're find a nice guy... ppsh... yea... where under a fucking rock? I either get some form of a player or... some stupid bitches think I'm with their man... Bitch no... I don't want you're sloppy seconds... They aren't even up to a level where I would even consider... you keep your trash and I'll keep digging for mine. Simple as that!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Bros
I really do hate to say this... but sometimes I think I have the stupidest bros in the world...even though I know there are worst out there.
Wouldn't want to say this either but gonna anyways... if my bros don't go to war and die honorably there... they're probably going to be shot at in good ol' fontana. I don't know but out of both options sadly I prefer them dying doing a service for the country instead of some people shooting at them because they're too proud... they aren't even in a fucking gang and already having enemies... I know it's not them the ones with the enemies but if you have a friend with enemies that means you're an enemy... fucking bull shit but makes sense. Well good and bad for them is that the enemy of the enemy is actually a friend which helps but I am sure it wont help if one or both or the three of them whom we care about is done with....
I can't believe the lil town that brought us peace for such a long time has come to this... to think thatI was happy we weren't in SGV anymore... I grew up with some fear of drive-bys - some... and we lived in pure "g" territory and the rivals were always trying to roughen up the edges...
I was hoping that the moves we had made would help some but God can protect them and put them at his mercy. He is the only one who can guide them... they're stubborn and stupid 18 year olds and there is nothing we can do... I guess when you put them to God it has gotten to the point where you know there is absolutely nothing you can do or anything you say will be words lost into thin air...
Wouldn't want to say this either but gonna anyways... if my bros don't go to war and die honorably there... they're probably going to be shot at in good ol' fontana. I don't know but out of both options sadly I prefer them dying doing a service for the country instead of some people shooting at them because they're too proud... they aren't even in a fucking gang and already having enemies... I know it's not them the ones with the enemies but if you have a friend with enemies that means you're an enemy... fucking bull shit but makes sense. Well good and bad for them is that the enemy of the enemy is actually a friend which helps but I am sure it wont help if one or both or the three of them whom we care about is done with....
I can't believe the lil town that brought us peace for such a long time has come to this... to think thatI was happy we weren't in SGV anymore... I grew up with some fear of drive-bys - some... and we lived in pure "g" territory and the rivals were always trying to roughen up the edges...
I was hoping that the moves we had made would help some but God can protect them and put them at his mercy. He is the only one who can guide them... they're stubborn and stupid 18 year olds and there is nothing we can do... I guess when you put them to God it has gotten to the point where you know there is absolutely nothing you can do or anything you say will be words lost into thin air...
Are you serious?! OK
Ok so what's up with people thinking that I am fucking seeing their husbands... like they're so great or something... or like I can't g44t someone for my self. So today I received a message through FB from an old aquaintance and says that he's going to delete me bc since we live so close I guess (same city) and his wife is jealous and thinks he is seeing me bc of that. Ok, if she only knew that if it wasn't for the advice I gave him way back in the past she wouldn't be married to him or at least he would be miserable, it was annoying. Haven't seen him in person since high school, like year 2000... or something. So he said he needs to delete me but I can still message him... fuck that shit... I didn't message him... he always asked for advice... I've never have a need to talk to people that bad...
So I wrote,"yea, whatever, it doesn't bother me!"
What kind of a vibe do I give... I don't steal husbands and nor do I want to... I never have... and wow, if people knew my whole history they would take everything back. Or DO I look like a whore... wtf, seriously!!! How does Drama always follow me... oh well... it's another bs lie so I continue with my life and let them live in their own misery bubble... I don't think unnecessary drama... that ain't even mine, it's their insecurity.
So I wrote,"yea, whatever, it doesn't bother me!"
What kind of a vibe do I give... I don't steal husbands and nor do I want to... I never have... and wow, if people knew my whole history they would take everything back. Or DO I look like a whore... wtf, seriously!!! How does Drama always follow me... oh well... it's another bs lie so I continue with my life and let them live in their own misery bubble... I don't think unnecessary drama... that ain't even mine, it's their insecurity.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
illusion
Even reality can be an illusion...
You're here by my side holding me,
caressing me,loving me,
talking me...
My time is all yours and you just disappear...
I am but left alone again wondering if those moments we had are real or nothing but a dream.
I have no tears,
I have no hopes but confusions from heart told disaster.
There is no settlement of whether your illusion is real or
all I've been having are sweet dreams that suddenly become nightmares when I wake.
Darling person like I've told them all...
I don't wait forever since I've realized it never comes but
I will be there.
I don't guarantee our paths with cross...
I don't know where i'll be tomorrow but but I will tell you that I will be here
But, darling not for you!
You're here by my side holding me,
caressing me,loving me,
talking me...
My time is all yours and you just disappear...
I am but left alone again wondering if those moments we had are real or nothing but a dream.
I have no tears,
I have no hopes but confusions from heart told disaster.
There is no settlement of whether your illusion is real or
all I've been having are sweet dreams that suddenly become nightmares when I wake.
Darling person like I've told them all...
I don't wait forever since I've realized it never comes but
I will be there.
I don't guarantee our paths with cross...
I don't know where i'll be tomorrow but but I will tell you that I will be here
But, darling not for you!
Monday, June 28, 2010
knowing me right now
Knowing everything that has happened... Right now if I had the chance to go back to January 9th 2002, wouldn't have picked up the phone... That call was the determining call that has put me where I'm at... Too bad no "taking back" right...? Oh fucking well but that's it...
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