I got you running thru my mind... Makes my days seem dull and my nights longer... This sucks! And the worse is you're prolly not 4 me! All I do is wait and wait with the hope for this to happen. What difference am I supposed to do to make it clear... I guess its one thing that shall never be realized.I know that nothing can break me although sometimes saddened but life has always continued and has never stopped for no one...what's makes you think you're any special.

uncertainty and random giberish

So lately I've been having my ups and downs but mainly downs... I'm not going to try and kill myself either... if I was I would have done it a long time ago... lol don't tempt me though...

It's weird because I think that there is a chance in life that wants me to be happy but the fear of me thinking I might be missnig out on something better is allowing me to almost be missing out that is right in front of me. I know how we always talk about someone we want to meet who makes us happy... and blah blah blah... cliche shit but what happens when you're been a dreamer for most of your life and a person who is actually trying to come into your so-call weird world is there but now you're unsure about how to let it come about happening. I am freaked out and I know people tell me to just let it happen... but I don't know... I am ready and have been... I've been seeing people have bf and they break up and continue their lives but I don't find all of that, that easy. We all know life is as easy as we  make out to be... so why are my brain and heart set out in different pages...

Sometimes I think I should just go and have sex and maybe everything will feel better but no it wont because I want soomeone there... willing to every single time I want or they want... it's idk know... I think it's come to the point... where I just want to give up on everything... you know just die alone so that I can't hurt inside or hurt them or something... I am not a person who easily can say no...

I'm afraid that if I get into a relationship and I am not happy, I wont know how to get out... I enjoy talking... and maybe even sit there without saying anything as long as there is a presence but I also hate being alone and the feeling of being alone as of a sudden... heart shattering... I know nobody is made of glass... so we can't physically break...  But I really don't think my heart cant deal with something like this... it actually hurts a lot right now... from the paseng back and forth... back and forth and all the thinking... endless dark tunnel of uncertainty... I just feel trapped in the cage waiting for the day I will be set free but when they come .... I prefer my lil cage because I already know its safe...

I know I am not giving my self much hope for improvement... and I can pull out excuses and lies like no other just to maintain the illusion of my perfect lil world but I am not happy anyways so why do I stay? I don't know how to break out...

Well it's not that I don't know bc I know I'm given the opportunity but it's more like I'm stuck in between both these worlds. I want to give it a chance and then I think I might be missing an opportunity... No one is disposable and I surely don't want to be disposable either... so it's something I really have to think about.

I need a therapist... If I wouldn't have stopped in college maybe I would be so much better...

I know I ramble on and on... but I am hoping that as I type I will somehow have some sort of an epiphany and my mind clears and I will be completely and utterly happy...

What are the chances of that... maybe willing the lottery twice will be more likely, lol!!!

Sometimes I wish I can know what I was going to be doing 6-12 months from now... just for a day so I would be able to put my mind at ease... and then I think... that would make me more miserable...

So random...  I am going to stop before some goes crazy and it will probably be me...but I know a couple of people who would benefit from this... lol... k done!

happy

I have to say I am happy again! I let it be... cleared my mind and well honestly it worked because contacted me today and we talked and skyped...it's nice... The other days were a bit weird... but I don't know since we've been talking he always says "hey, mama" and so I got use to it and it was weird when he didn't use them the other day but idk. Anyways, today was nice... it's funny because he calls me babe now too ... not use to all those pet names or baby... but what ever... That's what you get when you talk to a guy who was a jock or popular in HS... yeah go figures right... the nerdy band girl eventually dates a jock... hilarious... by the way not dating or relationship status but I enjoy talking to him a lot. He does make me smile and I don't quite know why. I still need too wait... though... I've seen how everything always ends... or happens. I told him to go to sleep bc he worked at 4am. So he told me to bbm him when I woke up to remind him to watch the game. Now my biggest or only concern of the matter is why he went through a divorce... like what happened in that relationship. I don't know how to ask him... I mean I wanna know  if it had something to do with him or idk... but it's something that's been on my mine. I know he has full custody of his lil girl bc he took her away when the girl tried to go for what he is worth... So I know that says a lot about a person but he preferred being a single dad and taking care of his daughter after all... so idk. I guess time will tell ... but feeling happy, excited, and sleepy all at once! *sigh*  ... lol

Nice evening after all

You know what? Even though I am so tired which is mainly or probably due to my toothache we ended up having a nice evening together. Although, one of my brothers was missing but he always seems to find more importance in others rather than his immediate family which is whatever. But my dad came home and we finished fixing dinner and all ate together and then we all played Wii it was actually kind of fun all playing together and taking turns. The best part was that my dad kicked ass in the game. He was better than all of us! 

ranting of my boring life!

I've been thinking and thinking... and doing some more thinking... and thinking, thinking, thinking... So it's not that I am weird... I think... they like surprises... it always happens when you give 'em something they want and they start loosing communication. But, that's  the thing... sometimes I feel bipolar... I feel so happy and wonderful one day and literally the next day I feel like crap. I hate waiting... the only reason why I wait is because I wait doing everything first and even if I were initiate I still have to f*cking wait... wtf! So, the main issue here is patience... I can't have it! I want something, I want it now... I feel like I am throwing a tantrum to my self but the thing is I can't give it to my self. I would have it if I could... I hate buying gifts early bc I need to show it to them the minute I did. I don't have patience with new relationship... bc I don't know... But I can't jump into things bc it'll ruin things too... So I am f*cked! I know this is so childish but this is why I am not in a relationship. I can't deal with the crap of in between... or the uncertainty of having to wait to find out if maybe he liked you or maybe he just wants to be friends.  You know what I need an action to react to... maybe I should go out on a date... there's an action I haven't had since 2004! And you know what... I am moody right now... you wanna know why. My molar is broken and hurting like there's a hole in it... I am sure another f*cking piece just broke and I am trying to pull it out from the inside... made my self bleed which surprising makes it hurt less... but now it's irritated and I am irritated...that I can't get it out... I just wished it kept bleeding... f*ck!  When I pull the lil part inside makes my cheek kind of numb... my gum there is pulsating...

And it's been a few days since I've gotten to talk to B and I am annoyed bc he at least would make me smile and even though I've had a few great days everything just seems so dull... wtf! You see why I hate all of this. I didn't want him to do that and for the first 2 weeks... he pretty much talked to me every day... he would initiate and I started more towards the end...but I told him to have patience with me and now I am impatient. It would have been so much easier if you know... talk a couple of days... or one day... then a few days off... sort of thing... When I start talking to people in the sense that I actually enjoyed the conversation I wish it would happen more often. But how interesting can a person really be right? We all get tired of seeing the same people everyday... talking to them everyday... I mean it happens to me... the first few days I was annoyed that he was sending messages so much all day... literally! And now... nothing well not nothing.... I did say happy father's day and he said thank... and then I said have a good say so he said "I will" but I guess I am being stupid and ranting about bull shit mainly bc my tooth is hurting and I am fucking annoyed that my dad aint here yet and I asked if we were going to make something and no on decided and now I am hungry and pissy, and if I eat I am going to irritate my mouth more... every sound gets to me right now... I think I am getting a headache....
If I find something .... I'll write about it... but this should be an interesting week... if I don't see him this week by wednesday... well... idk if wednesday evening is not so prroductive or intriguingly interesting... jumping off a cliff....


Sorry, this might just be temporary until I go stab my self with a f*cking knife in that stupid tooth!
Have a nice day and Happy Father's day! =D  =/  =(  

What does my forehead say..

Funny and awkward at times how things happen but you actually want them to happen it all falls apart... Iff it all would have worked but it was playing in the past it must just have been fine and dandy.

Ok, so there is the guy that I have like for quite some time who is probably oblivious to it or just prefers being friends, idk. I try but not hard enough to make it awkward or so obvious but I know how it can get for people to get over things.Maybe sometimes friends are just friends no matter what... What ever! My mom when I was little always told me it's better when you go for a guy who likes you more than you like him. She says that if we like them more at the beginning more than often we'll end up hurt... But don't know if those rules apply to life nowadays. Besides maybe when a girl innitiates a convo or something eventually they have a right or a choice to reciprocate the feelings or not. I mean we don't wait for ever...

Now, B is really sweet. He is. I guess he is thee guy that might actually try... who knows but who ultimately can have a fight in all of this. I enjoy talking to him. He was always known to be one of those jock kind of guys... or sort of player type but I don't know the way he talks to me is different. And I guess I can't start talking to people think of who they were until I know who they have become. We all change in the years...And even though  it's been a good 2 1/2 years since we last really talked... we'll see... Things are never complicated we just try and make them that way.

Alright and to the high light of the day. Like about almost a year I was I was sort of talking to this guy... not as in talking but you know... he has or had this fantasy that we would have a fling or I don't know. The funny and weird thing is that they find me weirdness the most appealing... idk. Every single guy in my life has said that that was one of the features that attracted them to me...Anyways, It was just going to be a sexual fantasy or whatever that he thought would be something interesting... and well I agreed sure why not. He was the most straight forward about the whole situation and was never embarrassed to talk about anything. He said back them that he would be the in between guy until we both or one found someone... yeah... but unfortunately or fortunately... I don't know. We were finally suppose to meet oh so many months back but it never happened. And he change his whole profile and deleted everybody... I was okay with it... I don't care...so today I saw that an old friend had added him or rather that he accepted her request. So i decided to send him a message remembering of how his business had been blossoming and a congratulations... you know ...a random hi. And I was quite amazed he was actually online or maybe like me he received his messages on his phone. But he said things are good and ask how I was... sent me his new number and told me to text today! and then proceeded to ask me what I was doing later. Told him I was good but that I was heading home from F city to AV since i'd moved and he asked if I moved alone. So I explained a lil which he probably didn't care anyways...He was more interested in knowing if I was going to be there around 7-9 which was when he supposedly got out of work. Told him no... I had been in town since morning.... and guess what he told me... "well i think you should consider coming down tomorrow late" hahaha.... ooohhh so sexy to be told what to do... by some kid 4 years younger... lol... but still appealing though in a weird way. I mean there is no x factor there is only that... a hook up ok... leave right... well at least that is what I think I understand. So I told him that I wasn't going to be around until wednesday which I will be done late... and he says... "hmm wednesday! geez so far from now. but i suppose" .... yea I suppose... his answer was to be like if I sent him a message so he would have sex with me or something... "I suppose" ...lol!  People are weird and I guess I appeal to weird people because I am weird?

Do I really have some sign that says... Oh please! I haven't had sex in ages... fuck me now! ... and that is for some few or a sign saying... oh yeah I don't like dating... please Fuck off!...

Do I really?

I don't know what's going to happen next week....
But at this point I am really not surprised at anything... I use to send this guy texts way back when... but this time I'll let him come to me... it's only right! I like the pursuit but I enjoy doing it too...
Never in my right mind would I have thought that a simple... hey how are ya doing ... would amount to hey... tonight... and he never said it but it was implied.... so surprised he didn't ask me for pictures... but I guess that will be Wednesday... lol...

Well so many things can change up to that day... besides I can do what ever the fuck I want... Not committed to any one, not any one's lady or gf... what ever... only time will tell...

maybe I'm not confused... just confused...complicated

So things are now kind of complicated but not. I feel a little stuck in between walls but I am not. I might start liking him but I also think of someone else. My head tells me to give him a chance and then my heart doesn't respond but I am a little scared. I don't know in which form he is really talking to me yet? He blows me kisses and says that he misses me. He talks to me pretty much everyday so he is trying extra hard I would say. He has a lil 4-yr old daughter which I don't mind I mean I have Danny right? For the time being he is at his parents... I think he moved back in when he got the lil girl in his custody but not sure. I had asked him where his lil girl was and he said sleeping in her own room  and so I asked how many rooms their house had and he said 5. I told him that he lived in a pretty big house so he makes a come back with "Plenty of room for you and Danny." See it's those kinds of comments which confuse me... He is an extra extra busy guy working his regular job and then has his producing music on the side so I know he will get to travel quite a bit but what I asked him was "Why does he kind of like me?" and he says " I don't kind, I like you. I love different and that's what you are in a good way"... Yea, I know people always seem to like me because I am different and weird. "A dork" like he eloquently put it last nigh... I guess the other reason is that I have never been the type that he seems he would go out with... and that was my main concern but I guess maybe that's what he is looking for... change... I can tell you I have him half figured out... I think. I know I have always been harder in understand or read my signals... that's why unless you're a little more forward then you wouldn't know how I feel. I haven't told him I like him but he does make me smile so I don't know. I've been thinking for days... that if somebody stepped up to the plate... but nvm ... see this is why things are sometimes so complicated... girls start getting people and it seems like it's going to go well and then we wish somebody would do or would have done the same thing. wtf... and you know what it's us who make things so freaking complicated... stupid brains sometimes need to stop thinking... We get something we want in our life and we question it? If I asked the question no doubt someone would  say hey try it... you have nothing to loose ( but myself), you can get happiness... I've been stuck at home for so many years helping and helping that if it happened that i left... the parents would struggle but I guess that's a part of life no? But, I guess what I am worried about is whether he wants long term... or not...see there are guys who already have a plan in mind or think they do. But then he makes comments like he has enough room for me and Danny... and well he says he does like me... I mean when its just a whatever there is just attraction, no? I don't know... Last night, we were talking and he said something and he said he would take me out to a nice diner and a concert... I told him I don't really care for concerts... and he said well not a concert but with orchestra and stuff... so I said a symphony... and he said yea. so I asked him if he had ever gone to any and he said 6 times in the last year which I was quite impressed... I think when he mentioned that it made me like him a tad more. I'm not a music freak... I mean I've seen my share of concert since I was a music major but I love them and enjoy them a lot. And he likes them too... not many guys would admit or much less want to take a girl to one of those... Either he's starting to figure me out pretty good or we might actually have things in common. I guess we'll see what happens in the next few weeks... I don't know... I think the hardest part which he realizes was that I use to live down the street pretty much and now I live a whole town over, lol, at least a good hour drive... I don't know... I guess just see what people do and how much motivation is driven ...