There's no hope

Unlike what we were trying to hope for... there is no hope. The house is gone and at the end of the month, pretty much, so will we. It almost feels like the time that we were moving to fontana being dragged by our parents but this time we are all being dragged out. I kind of wish they hadn't lost it but times were hard and dad didn't have a job for half of the year. Now, they have to rent and restore their credit so they can try and buy another. And the sucky thing is that all the pressure of paper work calling people doing something is all on my back. I am the one that has to do it and it's not my responsibility. Well that was what my therapist told me 3 years to do. So stop babying my parents and let them deal with the issues but if I don't do anything they wont either. man, I sometimes wonder the in the hell did they survive before without me doing a lot of their crap.
But, I know in a weird way I am appreciated but still it sucks at times.

We are still waiting to see if there is any hope yet. I have been trrying to work on my family tree but I have many cousins who are unresponsive... Is it so god damn hard to give an e-mail address. geez, man...

Today has been a pretty long day... I almost wish it was already time to go sleep and not wake up until saturday so go spend time wit friends I haven't seen in like a year. I've missed them like hell. But, Still tonight we're going to go see the place where Mabel went to see for her house and figure out if there is still another option for ours. I am praying for the best but prepared for the worst. I know times were hard at one point but things are better now and all my parents want is a chance to sell the house. Who cares... we'll move and rent until they can buy again. But they just need a small chance... There was so much equity there... I don't know. I've found them houses which was what they wanted and there. My mom wants me to start taking over all the money once we get through this but we'll see about that. I don't know. I dont' want that responsibility. But, on the other hand that would guess us more room to discuss what we need for the household more responsibly. *sigh*

What do you think about the world's economy going down the drain? How does it affect you?

I think it's a real shame it is going down! It just means that those responsible aren't doing enough to keep it in well standing and of course it affects me and a lot of people. Because I can't find a job, I was so fortunate to get a bad credit record and when there were job opennings I couldn't get a job because of my bad credit. Now, isn't that a viscious f***in' cycle. Since, this that been the worst in the economy so many people are loosing their houses and trying to fight to keep them. What do they give you a month to find a place to live, find income to pay the deposit and the first and last month rent? That's resiculous....

  
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So I was a little heated a little earlier and well it's hard not to be when you can't express yourself to anyone but your self... It seems as though we are taking ok as a family. Things are always going to be difficult. I was firstly going to get down and find a full time job and then that attempt was crippled by not having some one to look after my son. Also I had to take care of my mother and take her to many doctor's appointments which were many hell-ish ordeals. So I still teach my piano lesson, I still just give sectionals at kaiser and I do massages so all I have are part time gigs but nothing to full fill anything worth my time. I should be doing stuff I there are a lot of stuff that are still holding me back. Too much stuff. Now, I need a job but I need to know when the hell I am going to be to make it work. I need Danny to be in a safe, comfortable environment. I don't care when we go anymore. I cared 10 years ago when I was 13 and didn't want to move to Fontana... I think, we, as family need change... need new air, a new environment. We need a new place to build our future. Don't get me wrong I am going to miss a lot of things from here but everybody needs to get out now. Not LA, not SB... I mean fresh air. I was talking to my mom yesterday how I had been planning to go to Minnesota for some time. I was telling her how right now would be the perfect timeto pick up and leave. And she asked me, "Do you want to go?" And well I know I said no to not dissapoint her but yes I do. I need to feel a new everything. New faces, new homes, new environment. I think it would be a little hard but it can be managed. There are so many thing I am worried about but don't have meaning... There are so many things I need out of life but I can't have. It's just plain difficult. And I know everybody is going through rough times I know. We'll never be the first and not the last either. The only thing that helps me through is seeing Danny smile... He is always laughing, always running around making us run after him... being a little pain in the ass but that is what I love about him because he himself keeps us so busy we forget about everything else. I can honestly say that as long as he is happy I am happy too. Babies are not suppose to know their parents' problems kids have jobs of their own and it's to be happy and enjoy life. That is their job and the sad thing is that I know I didn't have that luxury. I was a weird little kid that only kept to her self and I didn't enjoy life unless I was my self. I grew up lonely because I didn't know how to interact or something. All I can do now is get my child as ahead as I can. I have a goal for when he goes to kindergarten well of course I am not going to be one of those overbearing parents but I know I have nothing to worry about him, he is his parents' son and that is all he needs... He knows his family is there for him and eveyone is with exceptions but those will always happen in life, disagreements.

Do you believe that teenage mothers can still be successful at life? Why or why not?

Of course they can be successful. Well it's not going to be an easy road but they can make it. The good thing now is that some high schools have child care for student who have babies so they can finish at least high school. It is possible but it very much depends on how much the person wants it... I believe they can, they have to believe it also. I was not a teenage mother but I had my son during my junior year in college and there were struggle but slowly the creases unfolded and I graduated. Hard time having a new born barely seeing him and being a single mom. Thankfully I had some aid from my mother but you can only push forward!

  
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Do you collect anything out of the ordinary? If so, what is it, and why do you collect it?

I have a small collection of pennies although in the 2000s I still haven't gotten time to collect them. I figured that the ones from the 1900s are hard enough to find. I only have one century worth... It's fun and I guess it's interesting... or boring what-ev ...  ;p


  
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