It's very interesting... today I was asked how my day was going (it was through a message so I had time to think) and I sat down for a while and started thinking. Well as many know or don't know I can be quite pessimistic but I continued to think...how is my day going? What has gone wrong so far... and I continued... As most people we usually just go on and say everything is fine how are you... blah, blah, blah spiel... they're just expressions of our everyday use and think of them as useless to really fine out how one really is. But, like many people they say they're fine and then continue to what really is going on... so I continue to reflect on how my day was going... But, for the first time of thinking how my day was going I actually had nothing negative towards my days... It's funny because I tried making some instances into a negative form but no they still came out positive...
Now, let's see... my sister locked my keys in my car when she went out to the salon... yeah, it's bad but all I had to do was drive there and open the car... see I learned to make many copies so there is always a copy available... just now a student canceled her piano lesson but hey she's going to have it tomorrow. What is one more day of practice. We all know we all need the practice... So, I find it weird that even though I have a pessimisstic aura today just feels positive...  maybe when I realized there was clouds outside I became happy and it made my day... now if it was so sunny and hot I am positively sure I would be whinning...

Logging in to xanga through my phone

I am so happy last night I finally figured out how to log in to my xanga on my phone... I had been trying for a long time but it always said that there were too many cookies and I has to change my setting. I know I was able to see blogs if I knew the url but if I didn't then I wasn't. So I was on my myspace and then I started thinking that at first we weren't able to go into myspace either... there was a different way to log in through our phones... (m.myspace.com) and so I know I had for some reason tried x.xanga.com and it didn't work and tried others and didn't work until last night I finally remembered the my space one and I typed (m.xanga.com) and it worked... I am so happy to be able to log in...

It's interesting.... I just googled the name that I use for everything (my user id) and many things appear that I have done... wow...
It's fine though because I also googled my name and I went to a few pages and found nothing personal.... well I will keep going to see how far I have to go...

You know what really sucks.... not having a refrigerator...  WE cannot buy anything because we know it will go bad... we are only able to buy half gallons of milk and well if it's a type of day where people want milk then we'll ran out. There have been times when 3 gallons of milk finish in in little over a week... The guy that has fixed it came and fixed the frig part and it worked fine for a small while like a week then the freezer gave up... so that meant that the frig wasn't even because they are connected. Now he came to fix it and it worked for 4 days but he explained he was going to come back 2 days after to put in the part but it took him a week. Now he came and the frig started working ok and it felt it wasn't cooling on the 3rd of July so my dad call on the 4th...He knows the guy but he wont answer phone calls from either my mom or dad or even the house number. It's now tlhe 10th and we haven't had a fridge for ever... in this month because of the fridge we have had 5-6 gallons of milk go bad and with the prices of the food and milk that is ridiculous and unfair... My dad to me to call monday night so I called tuesday morning and well luckily for me he answered and said he was going to come to our house around noon and I said great, thanks. As noon approached my mom wanted to go somewhere and I said no because he was going to come and fix the frig but guess what... he never showed up.... And he's been paid for all the times he's came... don't you think it should be his responsibility to finish the job. Last time he came my mother asked him if he the frig worked or not because she wanted to know whether to buy a new frig... and the guy said, well give to me and I'll fix it to the point I never have to fix it again. And she asked why he didn't do that to ours and he replied  because he needs to feed his family... so while he is feeding his family all of our food is going bad and we cannot feed ours... that sucks!!! I think it's only fair that if he cannot fix it to tell us to get a new one without doubt that it connot he fixed anymore... You know a small challenge we have to go through and obviously we cannot go to the store everyday to buy what we need to we deal with what we have... we use the freezer as the fridge and since it's smaller only a limited amount of things fit in there and everything else has gone bad... Everything in the fridge has gone bad... I have also thrown away many thing from the freezer... we cannot even make ice and with this heat a nice cold water sure feels refreshing...* mouth watering*... Well yeah...

oh and I am so glad that I nursed Danny to health.... after staying up a few night with him because his throat hurt from coughing... Yeah, he woke me up yesterday but he only needed to use the restroom... Potty training is going so well. The only thing that happens though is that when he gets sick he always gets a little lazy but it's understandable... I am feeling a lot better too and the best thing is that you cannot hear that I am sick anymore... the other days sometimes I felt good but you would hear my voice and I would automatically be labeled as sick or having a cold...  the few draw backs but I started taking my vitamins and I feel great except for the fact that it's a little hot ... I can' t stand the heat but we'll deal, right!

It had been two years. Two years that I had been going to mass and listening and asking myself why I couldn't approach God and ask for forgiveness...I couldn't go to the confession room and say, " Forgive me for I have sinned..."  Mind you, I am Catholic and believe in many things many others don't quite understand but like many others it's been faith that has quite kept me sane through many of my hardships. It's funny that when we actually start thinking clear and understanding what is actually in front of us is when it seems as though we do not understand and are shutting others out. Well, anyways, this past Saturday we were at mass and my mom went to the confessional room and well she asked if either my sis and I wanted to go but like usual we said no... but there was something else that was pulling.. and telling me I needed to go to take much burden. When I went in there i am sure there were no words that didn't come out in tears of pain and shame but the priest understood and just told me to keep listening. To understand and to be patient.  When I asked for his advice he gave it to me and it made a lot of sense. I understood why I take my son to church every Sunday, why I want to grow up in a certain way and there will be obstacles in our path that might cause it to become a parabola but we need to strive forward. I do thank God in my own way for giving me the life I have and giving me my challenges I was given and succeeded but just like that I also understand human being and their lack to understand others especially if they do not have that sense of a religious background. It's not the pain and suffering that I have had that has made me who I am. It is the happiness I had before and in between that has helped me cope with it all. Sure I have said leave it all in the back bury it and I never want to see it again but the fact of the matter is that it's always dug back out but this time feelings are not hurt anymore they just cause frustrations on occasion. It's funny because I do not feel anything at all... no anger, sadness, happiness or anything forwards some people. For a while, some would just cause a little rush for me just as if their presence was so powerful to make me mad, happy, sad, distressed but  as time goes by and I see less and less of everyone I know. I understand. I understand that it is the way it's suppose to be. I do not care who is or who isn't in my life as far as anybody comes. Sure all are welcome but no person is important enough to mold my day into anything. It is funny because many of us are caught thinking of the future and what we want and what we do not want. But, what many of us do not realize if that even though we had forgotten our past we always put some instances of it in our future causing it to come back unfortunately. But, when we recognize the small links between them we learn how to deal with it all... I have learned to be happy with the now and you know what since then we have been spending more time with my family. And we have all gone to the beach, gone to the park, picnics, going to the lake and just relaxing. For a while in time I was a little jealous because my baby would call my mom "mami" and my dad "papi" I just assumed he has his own parents he should be calling that but then I realized it's ok. My mom will always be like his 2nd mom and the person who will do anything for him. And, my dad well he is his dad too... my dad is the person who will do anything and plus, go out of his way for Danny to be ok and happy. I figured he does need a male figure in his life and who better than the man who brought me up. It's fine I understand sometimes people have their own life and deal with their own issues. I know there isn't anything I can do about it but I will do what I need to do what every mother in their right mind has to do to keep food in her baby's mouth, healthy and without a worry. Just like most mothers, they will do anything for their kids, ANYTHING. I know I have not been doing everything I can. I should get my son medi-cal regardless of the consequeces because 1. they're are not my consequences. 2. I've paid many of my dues. 3. I have a life time to re-pay... 4. I should be able to get a baby-sitter or even put him in pre-school so I can be sure he attaining what he needs to know.
As nice as it is a grandmother to watch their kids they also have their jobs they cannot stop doing unless they get the income they are receiving so that is obviously out of the question. It's not easy but it will work... It must work. It's only about re-paying self debt.... It's the equality aspect. As much as many try to avoid their choices which were made long ago it's all a cause and effect type of issue. Everything that happens, happens because its going to happen anything and because that is the way chain of reactions work. I know some can be avoided but at whose cost and hardship. Yeah! that's right, someone else's. It's sadly never fair or just. Who are the people who spend sleepless night with their children when they are sick? The mother well... in most cases... well anyways...

So on 4th of July I was at Sam's club getting last minute things for the traditional gathering we have every year and I get a strange phone call. "Are you home?" and I almost said who is this? I didn't recognize the voice and nobody speaks to me in that kind of demanding tone. So I look down to my phone and of course I had relabeled that number to a point I had to look at it twice. But anyways, so we finished doing the shopping and were paying when once again. Needless to say more I was called at least 3 times when clearly I was not home because there he was in the car and my car was not in the drive way. Well, it was my son's father. So, it took him a while until he himself was able to get whatever he had( a huge brown box) out of the car. He stumbled his way through and asked where to put it... I asked,"what is that?" and he just replied, "what I had promised I was going to get?" I was still quite confused until I was the little picture on the side. Well, well... I was shocked he actually came through on something for our son. Yet, I was quite riveted at the fact that he just left the box and walked away without even asking for him, or anything about him... He never knew whether he was at home, somewhere else, or even if he was well. I just saw him leave and continued to do whatever I needed. I am not going to push that subject with him anymore. I continuously commented with him about playing ball with our son. Even an hour... But, the subject is meek and overseen. The only reason my son knows he has a father other than his Grandpa (or "papi", "dad") is because I was been courteous to let him know who he is and  he understands. But , how long do I need to show  him a picture to convince him that he actually has a real, live father somewhere... Not long, I am presuming... not long. I am doing my job as a mother to protect my son but how much heart ache will be have to deal with as he grows up. Now he is in military but how about the first 2 years. And you know what military is not an excuse... When he left I said fine and troubled my self to sign a lot of paper work. Sure I know he thinks I never have anything to do and I am always available but it takes time out of me for somebody who does not deserve even a glance of gratitude. Sometimes I see my son and I feel sad because I know that once his dad starts to pay attention (if he actually does see him) will have some hard times. Although I will have some hard times coming my way I am already trying to figure out how my baby is going to be in sport; he's going to join t-ball at 3; he can sure hit a ball and loves baseball with a passion. But, sad to say I am going to answer a lot of questions for my son when he gets curious  which I don't mind because I am only going to be honest. All I know I could say is good luck to my son's father and his now wife, son and future baby on the way...

Last week... one of the best weeks I have had yet... :D
So it all started with the baby shower last saturday and the long wait to have the get together that was held up from sunday evening until monday after noon. And the last time I left off with we were going to go to the Water park... Well actually it's a park in rancho which was nice, sure you pay for parking but it's big and the kids would have fun getting wet and doing what ever they want. That wednesday we played volleyball against each other while most of the kids ran around and got wet. And the most surprising thing was that they were able to get my Tio Rodo to go... He doesn't go anywhere or even show up to anything... We stayed they for a few hours for some of us the older adult cousins had plans in the eveing... The plans were to be gone by 6:30 from the house but we didn't get home until like 7:30 so of course being sweaty from playing I take a shower. We were suppose to go to Dave & Busters but decided just to go to our aunt's house in Hacienda Heights and hang out. She had dinner for all of us so we ate and went downstairs. There we ended up playing pool in teams of 2 and would alternate. Tio came which was a little weird at first since we hardly see him also. He is always busy in his restaurant and he joined in... He beat everybody. It was amazing... So it was like 12 and everybody was knocking out... we were going to spend the night and then drive home in the morning but my sister didn't feel like she could sleep anywhere but her bed... so I drove and was falling asleep as I was also taking my sister's bf home to Bloomington and then drive back home... It was the most tiring drive... I was falling more and more asleep and couldn't take it at times but everytime my head would fall I would get scared and continue driving, the adrenaline... was really what kept me ok... but what ev if my sis understood how it felt I am sure she wouldn't have wanted me to drive. So we got home and got everything ready because thursday was a trip to Lake Perris. We left a little late because my aunts wanted us to wait for my brothers to get out of school. As soon as they got here we left and took one of their friends... We stuffed ourselves in the car and managed... my sister calls me while we are about to merge in the 215s, it was around 1pm or so and she said,"Where are you guy? I just got out of work! Come, get me." I told her, yeah right, just drive my car down here. So, it was the first time she drove so long by herself... but as we all waited for her to get to the lake we were all happy and proud of her... As soon as we all got together we ate and then played some more Volleyball which followed by going down to the lake and enjoying some relaxing time swimming.... Friday morning we all went down to Alhambra and ate in Rick's, my uncle's restaurant. Man how I miss eating there every once in a while. It use to feel like home when we would go down there. It sucks at times being so far away... We had to rush home since my sis had to work and I had to teach my piano lesson... But it was ok. My dad, danny and I had one more opportunity to go and say good-bye friday evening.
Saturday we all just hung out at home while mother was in Vegas and relaxed... Sunday, my sis, my brother Roland, Danny and I went to mass and before we went in my sis had mentioned that she wanted to go to the movies... And I told her"let's go after mass..." And Erick wanted to go so I told her call him now so he'll be up by the time we get out... We went to the Edwards in Ontario... we saw Wall-E at 1:20p and Kung Fu Panda... 2 very funny and cute kid movies. Danny loved them... He wants to go see Wall-E again and I am thinking I might take him tomorrow... Well that is a blurb of what we did for the week... It was fun... the most fun I've have in a really, really long time...