Well I feel a lot better. I figured that I might as well look for my self now and not depend on others for the hope that I am not guaranteed. I have made myself happy and why ruin that by any little thing in my life. There is more to happiness than to loose those around you. Sure at one point they can make you happy but in many occasions they are also the ones who break you. And no I am not going to allow people break me that easily anymore.... I have learned a lot seeing my self through your eyes... there are many things that I know I can't forgive myself. Sadly, I have said that there are no regrets but unlike many people I do some regrets and although I know I can't change them and my life consists of many what ifs my life is just that, my life. I don't torture my self thinking of things that use to break me but rather just don't let them get to me. Although, I am going to deny that I don't like chick flick but I do and you know why? Just for the fact that I love to cry every once in a while and no I am not ashamed to admit it but I hate people seeing me cry. I do admit that all my friends have seen me cry in my most vulnerable times but that was it, it was one of the times I my immunity was gone and couldn't help it. But now, it's all about how I can be my self but just enough for you to know that I am me, and nothing else. Sure I can explain my personality and how I feel and way I was brought up but that can be for another day. I know that I am always looked at in many different eyes and I can't change. I learned that whether I am who I am or who I am pretend to be people will look at me that same and there is nothing I can do about it... oh well... but let's just say I am happy...

I was talking to Nestor... he was on AIM and I just wanted to know what happened... someday we'll just look at this and laugh. Well I hope!

The saddest day...

Well after a long realization I have come to find out the meaning of friendship...
"Don't worry about the people in your past; there's a reason they didn't make it to your future"
I have to get to know the meaning of this quote just last night. There have been many friends of mind that I admire for they are smart, talented, and very strongly opinionated but then I guess I have loss some friends I was not aware were gone.  Last night I was a friend on aim and decided to talk to him because it had been a long time since I talked to him and he never use to write to me well he answered to my surprise. We were talking and then I got serious and asked him if I would ask him a question. He of course said, "k." So I proceeded and asked him how angry he was when they found out I was pregnant and well he said that he was not angry but very upset. So I asked him is upset enough to stop being my friend and loose respect but he said that neither. Well that at least made me happy that he still had some respect for me. But I continued to ask him why things changed so much, why we didn't talk and why they never spent time with me when I was in school. Well I sure got my answer, he said that well they 1. didn't know how to act around me. So I asked, "Didn't you guys think that all I wanted was to treated the same?" and he responded that things were different and that they couldn't. I use to be so lonely in my room and the few second they would stop by I use to to get happy but they would soon leave. I told him that I just needed them and he said that he didn't know. He said someday you will "find someone" and they will make you happy. I told, " I don't need someone, I need my friends back." That was all I wanted to have them back... and he said that things changed and there was nothing he could do about it. Some day I will find "someone"...as in singular. I felt so rejected and segregated from them.  After having this conversation I started to make more connections with friends... I have come to realize that most of the friends I thought I had aren't there. I was relying on  stump next to me and when I turn to see what is holding me up, nothing is there and I fall. Last night was the worst feeling in world to think that I thought I had these great friends that I didn't think they gave up on me but they did over 2 years ago. A hard realization.

I wrote an away message, "I only get what I deserve! I am sorry to many. Things happened and unfortunately I can't take them back but you guys were always a ray of sunshine that use to help lead me in my days of need and solitude. Now I have nothing but my thoughts. I am sorry I am sorry I betrayed your friendship in any way. I hope that someday you will all forgive me and hopefully look at me the same way you once did, with that gleam in your eye." apologizing for not being what I once was. I know I could never be it and I will never be the same as much as I try to go and chill with them... I feel bit of a cold shoulder. In my wet pillow I just wanted to blame my son's father but I just couldn't blame him and I can't blame my former friends either. I obviously did something to offend them and loose respect enough for them to try and stay away as much as possible. Last night was the loneliest night in the world. I hadn't cried myself to sleep like that in months... and I was thinking to think that I was finally beginning to put everything in the right position and beginning to be happy to then find out that I am once again alone and unsheltered. Through all my hard times and days of unhappiness I knew I would count on them but now, I don't know what to do. Last night I cried  my self to sleep and woke up with swollen eyes and I just can't stop... is it back to paper and the drawing board. I told him all I want is my friends back, that's all I want. I can't have them back..."Los illegales" broken by me...  The saddest day of my life. You know it's just so hard to have your heart so sure of the happiness it holds and then from one day to the day to find out your were living in this lie and have nothing. It's the second time it has happened but I didn't think that loosing a friend or friends feels like a break up. I guess I only get what I deserve and obviously I guess it's time I pull out of my safe zone. All my friends have so many friends outside of us and I only have them... they meant the world to me but they have others and I only have them... now I guess like he said I must find someone who understands me, I can't rely on this safe zone that no longer applies to me... My question now is who is my friend and who can I go and cry on their shoulder... Everybody has a limit and now I feel like I have no one... Are they all acquaintances? I use to pride myself in thinking that I had best friends but no I am a loner again just like the day I step foot in Fontana. I guess I am too idealistic...  I'll come back later to write and probably repeat the same things as it feels good ... to get over it and move on. Who needs people who don't need you back... well I do but I guess I don't...

Wow, I have to say my dreams are just amazing... most are so sci-fi... i love them. With the dream I had last time I just wish I could keep going. Location: a hospital I don't know what I was doing there but I know that I was hiding from people. There was someone else and we had a mission we were suppose to complete unfortunately the first half of my dream is vague and can't remember. Although I do remember that we were being almost cornered and so I went into a room and there was a girl who had just had a check up so I told her to leave without making it obvious somebody else was in there.  She walk out and somebody just look a peek at the room but I hid behind the door. I knew I couldn't stay there much longer so I had to make a run for it well my friend obviously thought the same thing so she ran and when I did they spotted me and shot me in the head. But I didn't die, it was like one of those lazor gus that melts but of your head sort of thing, so I just laid there on the floor. And the guy who shot me was Christopher McDonald. My dad found me twitching there on the floor and knew that he had to get a doctor to help. The all the doctor said that I was ok and there was nothing he could do. Specially since those guys were there. Well my dad talked to the doctor and he said that it would cost like $5000 but they had to pay up front. My dad arranged it but I then was able to say something and I didn't want to go through with it knowing that the mission was to kill me... so I wait around so a while hiding behind patients and family so I wouldn't be spotted knowing I would only be able to move slightly. Well my dad convinced me to go through with it but we were walking out of the hospital and it was 8pm so we had to go through the ER. We went and told them we had just stepped out and that I was suppose to have the operation almost at that time and he said sit your name is on the list so it's an hour wait. We were waiting and my dad was helping me... when there was like a few minutes left I saw Christopher McDonald looking for me so I took my dad to take me to another hospital where they wouldn't be looking for me... we walk out just the two of us and walk down and start walking on the side of the gate but on the side walk. Then I tell my dad that he at least needs to inform the family so he leaves to tell him and leaves me behind... I just lay there looking as I am next to a mushy greenish, brown ground well it was a swamp that appeared out of no where. Well then I saw this creature who was talking to me... his feet were eating. One of the foot's (head) was green and the other orange. Well my dad came back and saw the little creatures feet and tied them for some reason. Then the little creature began to bleed and my dad was stained with blood... They saw my had taking me and the little creature told the bad guys that he had killed me and now there was suppose to be a search for him... Weird oh and somwhere between when I was hiding and walking around the hospital when I was ok I saw Cindy and her family and talked to them until I had to go back in hiding... it was a cool dream although when I woke up my head felt so weird almost numb, I was almost afraid to wake up and it not be a dream, lol. But it's a weird dream to explain, you had to be there for all the excitement.

Ok anyways so today I went to this quiceanera and is was super cold it was packed with people and couldn't do anything. Besides I was sinking into the ground because my boots... I was not aware it was going to be at a house until I got there. For the amount of people that went, the temperature there should have rented a place for the day... I mean seriously. Anyways, when it was getting late there was people that were getting there and a group of guys got there and I noticed that one just kept looking and I wanted to put his face somewhere because although he didn't look familiar there was something about him. Well I kept of minding my own business and then a few minutes later my mom came by with a guy next to her. Well it's her Godson as well but I was looking at him trying to put faces and I guess my mom notice's me in thought that she asked, "No te acuerdas quien es?" and I lept thinking until the name Javier popped out and my mom was like yeah. He shook my hand curtiously and we talked for a while. I mean it had been like what ? At least  10 years or more from my knowledge. I asked him was he was doing after high school and he just said work. I guess higher ed is not for everybody but we talked and then he was like, "Do you remember when we use to play?" I of course said yes although there was no specific memory only of them terrorizing my sister and me. But I guess those are the memories that we all get. It was nice to get to see him after so many years, gosh man.

So yeah, today was a good day specially since it started well with my dream! :D I have realized that I only dream when I am well rested. There was only been a couple days this week in which I didn't dream but overall I have to say I am very happy and pleased. So I have been thinking of a lot and I am actually quite happy that lent has come so early. I am already thinking of what I am going to give up so I can get away from bad habits. Last year they really helped specially the movie thing. I am now more conscience when I am looking at movies. It just helped so much. I have this image in me that is crying to be seen. It's a picture that I can't get out, I can't draw it and it's hard to explain, although it doesn't bug me it gives me a little of hope. I am now just waiting for the perfect cue.  As we all pretty much know that our lives are lead but "cause and effect" it's just a web of continuous actions and reactions going forward.  I don't know but I think of my self and I think of this ideal. It's weird because I have always lived in this dream world which is obviously to ideal to what life really is which probably explains why I was always so down about life. All that I have known to make me happy has never existed but now I think it is time to make the dream world a reality. It's the only way it can work and it can all come into place. I see everybody having fun and traveling while I am imprison my self and I know that I can't escape even if I wanted to for a minute the guilt for kill me not to mention the thought about imprisoning others. I just sometimes wished that I would just take the weekend and leave or even more be invited to do more things but it's all known: well she can't come, she'll say no, or not even thought of. How much I use to dream of just taking off for a while no questions asked and relax and chill but no! I can't. I can't leave without mentioning what I am going to do, where I am going or even with who. I just feel like I am trapped in this box in which I need a ticket to breath for a second but only a second because a second is too long for everybody to let me relax. Oh how are you? , can I help you?, would you like to just leave for the weekend and not worry just rest and relax... NEVER! It's mostly I need you to take me here, I need you to do this, pay for this, etc... Are you going to be long but I thought you were going to take me here. Let's go I need to be here right now. What about everybody getting their own fucking car and learning how to drive and leave me the fuck alone. I just want to stay home and not have to go to a stupid quinceaanera, wedding, party unless I want to. Everybody has their own friends why am I the one who has to be everywhere.  Man I could almost guess that as soon as I have my own place I am going to stay away from some people for a while so I can breath and relax and just worry about my priorities not everybody else's. I don't give a fuck what you need, learn to do it your self... once I am gone, I am gone and I don't want to hear anybody's problems. I dealt with mine and I am fine so can they.  AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  I just have the hope that everything will get better. That is my ultimate happiness for me not to have to depend on no one, my parents, family, siblings, baby's daddy NO ONE! just ME! Plain ol' simple me. I don't even want a relationship until I know that I can do it all my self. Then I will be self fulfilled  and if for any reason anything happens I  can just continue my miserable little life without dealing with the thgouht of failure because I need some one else's help. I know I jump around too much but it's the way I need it to come out. Just write, write, and write...  Sometimes I scream and I just feel the sensation in my chest but my mouth doesn't open , and no sound comes out. I would love to one day go deep in mountains with some one so that they can teach me how to scream, how to let it out that way... something different in which I have never known how to express the best way. I keep all those feeling within even when I write, I write but the rage, the anger stays inside.... I need help! But I know I will help my self soon enough. The time is approaching. I am glad it is and it's the best way and the best time. You're coming and that is all I feel, it's growing, we'll see what it is... ?? Don't know yet but it should be a huge impact to my life! I am waiting ... Well that's it for now, I guess I have to sleep since I need to be up for church at 8am... 6:30am AHHH! too early, lol oh well!

I feel very strange today, rather moody if you might say but more sad than anything else. I just want to cry and let it out so I can be happy once more.  I don't know what is wrong with me but sometimes I feel like nothing means anything anymore. There is still something out there that I am waiting for and for some reason I do not know what or how to obtain it. Well I know that there is one person who I crave attention from but I just bring my hopes up. Since Freshmen year in college when we would spend a lot of time together I just knew it. And the sad part is that some where in my heart the thought of letting that go from me would be just loosing hope in life. Ever since I declared my fascination towards him my sophmore year, to the shame I felt when I confess I was pregnant, to his response "I was scared too..." It's like I just think of him every single day and everything reminds me of him. Someone proposed to me to tell him and I truly wish I could and I would love to but I know better. People say, "What is there too loose?" I guess if we weren't meant to be friends after all the awkward, strange encounters we've had we wouldn't be any more. It quite hilarious  we were at a new years party and well he was a little drunk and I was  there too, you know not really controlling what I say but trying my best knowing our history. Well my friend's mother was a little tipsy but I love her to death and we were all in the kitchen and she just came up to us and just kept asking, "I don't know why you two never became boyfriend and girlfriend. You guys would have the cutest babies." I was quite shocked being put in a tight stop like that. I mean I use to think that as well...lol but not really he is just sweet. His first comback to that question was that I was his God-sister which obviously means nothing because his parents are my confirmation Godparents, and then I mentioned looking into his eyes, drunkingly, "It wouldn't work out, we are friends"... I saw the expression of doubt in his eyes and understood it was not the right thing but we went by it... then a few of my friend's mother's girlfriends started talking to us about just hooking and not having a title and we both said that it wasn't right and the friendship would be at jeopardy but they explained that some of them hooked up with their friends and the friendship was stronger. Obviously we had stronger respect for each other than to agree with that but we did agree that it probably worked for them.
It's interesting because even the ex tells me that I am going to end up getting married to this guy and God only knows that I know I would be the happiest girl in the world but deep down I know it's almost unlikely. I mean not only is he musically incline, he is one of the smartest people I have met and he loves sports. He has everything including the fact that is sweet and he one that makes me believe that chivalry still exist only when I see him. For a while we would go to mass on sunday mornings and it would be nice because we would both dress up, he would pick me up and then go...man how I miss being in college. It's one of those times that takes me back to 1998 and think what would have happened if we never moved to Fontana... I never met such great, intelligent people because I do have to say that my friends are gold! I mean our parties may not have the greatest party atmosphere but when we are together we have fun... what can I say we are nerds like that but that is what I love about it. We all enjoy music but we enjoy being with one another more and just hang out and play guitar here, rock band, DDR, karaoke....  I wouldn't be anything without them and that is a very strong feeling and a true and honest expression. If I would have never have suck to to them like a leach I would have never experience the wonders of wanting to do more academically.  Walking to school and walking home the highlight of my everyday in high until my junior year when I wasn't allowed to walk home anymore... my confusion my junior years and being suck in walls... the life I've had and yet nothing's changed. The need to join a hard class just so that he would help me out, it being his major and all. All I can say is that he is one of my heroes, I admire and look at to him more than anybody else I know, literally! And you know why this dream can never be? Because I know that he knows that our friends know that we both know that I know (this is a put down but the truth) I am not good enough. You might look at him and not think much but with everything he is, he worth all that he can get. I could wish him the best in everything he does for the admiration I hold for him will never change unless he becomes a total jerk...
well not really... All he needs a nice, beautiful, smart, girl with no baby. A well rounded off girl just like him ... well life is life.

I don't know why I felt like I needed to let it out a little. Maybe it's right, it's time to let go of it all completely but I know I have told myself this any times. It's hard because I somehow get attached even when there is no attachment and I end up hurting my self. I don't know how I do this... I am so dumb. I am telling you  I haven't cried since like 3 months ago and here I am sobbing like a broken faucet. This is the cause and effect of nostalgia, the worst sickness there is... the quick sand of all the thoughts. The thought of remorse for not doing something more that would have changed things before you were stupid even to get pregnant and never again learn the meaning of true freedom and happiness unless accompanied.  To never again set one foot forth unless a tiny shadow behind you closely follows  yet to be 2 yet not yet fulfilled with the commitment you have set forth in your journey of life... Can it be to invasive if I say, " I love you!" haha of course, of course I know , I know... One day I will get over myself... My tumultuous  needs of letting it all out in hope that every one yet no one will find out how I think or feel in this world. There have been few to crack this brain and heart but still many lack the comprehension needed to know how one keeps a dark, deep hidden heart from those she loves to feel worthy of some cause..

oh well what ever... who needs anybody anyways. They are only there to weaken you and compromise who you are ... I was a real strange one, I finally completely grasped on that fact, that I became a different person. I compromised who I was and sadly I did not become aware of completely until over six years later when I have methods of comparison... although now I realize that my uniqueness was shadowed by completely insecurity and and the longing to tear my heart out... maybe that was why I fell so in love at one point because what defined my weirdness was no longer needed to mask what I didn't have, it wasn't important... spring was...
I have learned that the little things mean so much more to me than anything else... how is your day? How are you? Would you like me to cook for you? How about a massage? I know that I as a girl wouldn't mind serving be, not that I want to put women back a few decades, I mean I love that I can have a job and work and have my own money but love to give and be rewarded... His happiness will aways be my happiness no matter what... even as it's been in the past, just learn to cope with things and move on...

So how about that for blaberring  about nothing for quite some time... It feels good to just let it out. I am no longer leaking from the eyes... such a weird feeling to be broken for a little while in time, haha! Happiness and the end of the yellow road hear I come!!!

life is just being her self..dumb whore...:D just kidding...

a new day

I have grown since the last time I wrote in this thing. It's hard to still imagine myself being so hard headed and stubborn over stupid things I had to realize in life. I learned that dwelling over things in the past just didn't work out and put me in bad situations. I have cried everything that I had hidden within but luckily back in May everything got cleared up and helped me realize my happiness within. The closure, explanation just helped repair that heart that had been torn out so drastically. But, today as I see my past and figure that those tears helped me learn a lot. Although I no longer live life as it pertains to my past but I live life with my past mistakes in mind to better my self as a person and as a mother of one. I know there have been many things that are written from then to now and some of the things just aren't important enough to mention. So many things have happened... so many mistakes, so many changes... Such a new light. One can only learn from one self as their life clock turns because you don't and I don't listen to what we tell each other. I am going to do what ever I want to do and whatever I need to and for this I do thank many of my friends... that for many years kept things away because they knew I was blinded and until I would figure things out my self I wouldn't listen. Sadly, I made many mistakes over and over. I was choosing not to listen even my self. I was weak in for my well being. I threw my self in therapy and dwelled on how horrible life was and at the same time I knew it was all my doing. I have done everything to keep my self away from friends, happiness and even future friends... There is this invisible wall in my surrounding that only a few have breached and even a few that breached it didn't even come close. My wall does not protect me, it's keeping me in and I can't get out. It's such a strange feeling when you are with friends and close ones but yet you are still at a distance. As much as you try you just can't get close. Although some 6+ years ago some came into my life who started breaking at it and for many as well as my self was some accomplishment. I was brought down from lala land "reyna's little world" into reality and a new perspective of so many feeling and emotions one had to experience to be taken away from their deception of life, boys, and need to want to die. One wonders how people at such a young age develop such a type of depression in which one's fascination ends up being mutilating, cuting, and an urge to wonder what it would feel to bleed out as the warmth  just flows out of you and you heart slowly and steadily  skips beats to catch up to the missing blood.  Many factors that  even that young person doesn't understand. All they understand is that the world is full of deceptions and nothing is going to change. Even happiness is a mere reflection that only shadows the light until it turns off. At an early age they learn to think that there will never be anything better and as they grow older they start realizing that life was so much easier back in time and that was their mentality. Just  riveting!  You see flies fly with no worry in the world, only eat, procreate, and die... They never thought of the purpose they hold or how the circle of life functions. They never had the ability to question whether there is a "one" up there keeping them in consideration or whether they are going to go to hell or heaven...life rules. All we must do is think that today is going to be the beginning of a new day and a new life. Everyday there is a reason we still have air to breath, heart to love and even eyes to see the beauty that we hide out hearts from seeing. Everyday is not a deception but an illusion of what we could have if we truly believe and want it. All we need is to want it bad enough to come to us. Life is not a game; life is a jungle filled with unraveled emotions, expression and doubts that one must conquer through to see the light on the other side. We will only see the green grass on the other side if the hill until we travel through that thorny road of life...